


The Bluebird of Happiness

by NoodleBlues



Category: My Time At Portia (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama & Romance, F/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2019-11-27 17:06:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 68,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18196964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoodleBlues/pseuds/NoodleBlues
Summary: The builder in Portia has almost everything she wants: a loving husband, great friends, and the top workshop in town. But now she might have to sacrifice what she's still missing to keep the rest of it. What do you do when your plans don't align with the one you love? She and Arlo will have to tackle their newest obstacles as they always have. Together.





	1. Miscommunication

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my very first fanfic. Ever. I'm a tad late to the fanfic train. I'm terrified to even post this considering the incredible quality of work I've been seeing elsewhere for this fandom, but I love Arlo and just had to get this story out of my head. I felt like there were a lot of unresolved parts of his story after you marry him in the game so I resolved them myself. There will probably be minor spoilers, and I do take some of the dialog from in game and put it in my own context. Please do review this, it'll probably determine whether I post the rest of it, haha. Please be kind, and thank you for giving this (newish) writer a chance!

Nervous. Anxious. Excited. Terrified. The full gamut of emotions floods me as I take the familiar walk through town to the Civil Corps building. It’s noon, the worst time to be taking a stroll if you want to avoid people. Everyone’s out and about, but I hoped they’d all be too distracted to notice me and the wreck of a state I’m in. I’d tried what I was about to attempt earlier this morning at home and ended up panicking, choking down my words over coffee and toast instead. But I couldn’t keep this up. He knew something was off this morning. No use avoiding it. Lord knows I’d been stewing in this dilemma for longer than I’d like to admit anyway.

I really shouldn’t be as messed up about this as I am. We’ve been married almost a whole year now and had been together nearly three seasons before that. We understand each other completely, keep no secrets. Except for this one monumental thing, apparently. Something we’d never even so much as mentioned somehow, too busy getting swept up in a whirlwind of adventures, monsters and kisses. We fell hard and fast for each other and shoved the rest of it off for later. 

Now is later. And I’m gut wrenchingly terrified. Terrified that something so important to me won’t matter at all to him, my husband, the man I love more than life itself. Because I have no idea how he feels. 

And it all seems like a shameful oversight on my part. How could I be so stupid as to not find out if the man I married wants children? In my defense, he’s never asked me if I wanted them either. But that’s the part that makes me the most nervous. What if he never asked because it never crossed his mind as an option? What if he assumed my keeping quiet on the subject meant I didn’t want them, when I so desperately do? Do his other ambitions completely overshadow any thoughts of family life, aside from me? I don’t know. My anxiety is getting the best of me, mind racing a mile a minute.

So, I walk, legs shaking the whole way. I give a half-hearted smile and a wave to Gust and Albert as they hurry along to some kind of lunch meeting, most likely. Most everyone else pays me no mind, too busy with their own day, and I’m grateful. Grateful that no one seems to notice the shaking and my clenched fists. My throat feels like it’s going to close up forever if I have to utter a single word to anyone.

I’m nearly there now. There’s just a long walk up the steeply inclined road to Doctor Xu’s and the Civil Corps building with the Flying Pig statue out front. I swear I’ve gone over this conversation in my head a trillion times since the thought first occurred to me a season ago, thanks to Albert. 

I’d finally scrounged up enough cash to add on to our house, two stories now. He was finishing up the last few touches on it when he asked what we were going to do with all this space, my husband and me. I had grinned as a picture of what I imagined our children would look like popped into my head. I was about to give him my answer when I stopped cold. It dawned on me that I had no earthly idea if my husband even wanted kids.

He frequently lets Toby train on the dummies in the Corps building when he’s around to supervise, and I know Toby looks up to him immensely. Toby talks about him all the time, like the father figure he’d been cheated out of. So, at the very least I knew he tolerated kids, but that didn’t mean he’d want his own. 

He’s a rather stoic looking man on the outside, despite having such a deep sense of wonder and amusement to his very core. He doesn’t smile much at most people, instead adopting a passive half smirk most of the time, looking entirely unimpressed by everything around him. No doubt a stab at looking more serious and intimidating to counter his obviously young age as the Captain of the Civil Corps. But inside he’s joyful, full of love for adventure, and deceptively sentimental and romantic. I’ve never loved anyone or anything the way I love him.

Suddenly I’m in front of the Flying Pig statue. For such a whimsical creature it has the most serious look on its little piggy face. A testament to the seriousness of the Guild I suppose.

I walk over to the front doors, which thankfully are not see-through, and take a deep, shuddering breath. I still have no damn clue how this conversation is going to go. I don’t know what I’ll do if he says he’s not interested in kids. Is he worth sacrificing my dream for? I want to say yes, he is. I’d do anything for him. But I know he wouldn’t want me to compromise what I want for his sake, just as I wouldn’t want him to do that for me.

Ugh. I massage my temples, trying to ward off the impending tension headache I knew this would cause. WHY didn’t we figure this out before we got married? I’m such an idiot. I’m about to plunge into the depths of the unknown and reach for the handle when I catch a pair of big, beautiful black eyes staring at me from ten feet away.

Annabelle, my husband’s gorgeous white horse, is giving me a look from the stables like she knows exactly what I’m about to do. I smile and walk over to her, giving her a kiss on the nose. She’s the fastest horse in town, and by far the smartest and gentlest. I’ve always admired her and her sheer loyalty to my husband, always obedient and steadfast. Never once has she gotten frightened and run off when things got tough, according to him. She’s saved his life several times.

She looks me over and gives me a slight nudge with her nose, boring into my eyes with her big black ones, as if to give me courage to walk in there. I reveal what I’m sure is the most pathetic, insecure smile anyone has ever had on their face. I’m terrified, and I know she can sense it. She snorts, shakes her head side to side, and nudges me again towards the doors. I sigh, give her a pat, and trudge back to the front of the building. Here we go. I steel myself, take one last breath, and push the doors open.

Arlo doesn’t notice me at first, and I’m glad. It gives me a chance to admire him from the front of the room while he beats the absolute shit out of the reinforced training dummy he commissioned from me long before we were even friends. 

I never get tired of looking at him. My handsome Captain. He’s tall and lean, but muscular, the result of constant rigorous training for years on end. Natural talent can only do so much for you, he tells me. And he would know since he’s got it in spades. 

He makes it look as easy as breathing as he gracefully punches and kicks the dummy in places it would do the most damage in a real situation. He pauses for a second, bent over, chest heaving with effort. Sweat drips down his temples and neck. He’s at the end of his standard morning training session. His messy red hair falls over his eyes, which are bluer than the summer sky. How can someone be so talented AND mind-bendingly attractive? It just isn’t fair.

He moves to start his cool down stretches and catches sight of me as he turns. Shit. I’d nearly forgotten why I was here in the first place. His mouth turns up in a smirk, and I see his eyes sparkle with mischief when he notices me staring at him.

“Hey, Love! Like what you see?” he teases, waggling his eyebrows at me. My face warms instantly. Damn him. I really don’t need him distracting me right now. He grins, seeing I’m clearly still frazzled from this morning’s bizarre breakfast conversation. I’d hoped maybe he’d forgotten, but nothing gets past him.

“Sorry” he chuckles. “What’s up? I didn’t know you’d be dropping by today. Everything ok?” 

I swallow. Everything in me wants to either run or pass out. My throat is starting to feel tight again and I don’t trust my voice. I suck at this. 

“H-hey, Captain, I’m sorry to show up during your training. I, uh… didn’t mean to interrupt…” I manage to croak at him, avoiding his eyes.

He cocks a thick eyebrow at me and I realize how strange I must sound, talking to him like I’ve only just met him, like I’m an inconvenience in his day. I’ve visited him at work countless times before, in the middle of training or not. I want to slap myself.

“Are you sure you’re ok, Love? You seem… off today” he says, tilting his head slightly, eyes scrunched in confusion. 

I wince, but there’s no judgement in his voice, only kindness and concern. I need to remember he loves me. I know he does. Even if his answer isn’t what I want to hear, he loves me. I have to hope that something could still work out if he says no.

“I, um… I have something I’ve been meaning to ask you, and… and I’ve been having a hard time working up the courage to, uh… to do it” I squeak, a small amount of tension released from my tightly wound nerves. But my heart is racing even having said THAT to him, because I can’t back out now. Now I really have to tell him.

His brow furrows in concern and he crosses his arms in front of his chest. “You’re really worked up about this, huh? Ask me, you don’t have to hide a thing from me. I love you, remember?”

And my heart aches at this, because I know he does but that it might not matter in the end anyway. I take a deep breath to try to lower my chances of hyperventilating when he puts a warm, callused hand on my shoulder and uses the other to tilt my chin up to look at him. His eyes are the warmest I’ve ever seen, and he says in his gentlest tone, “Please, tell me Hana”.

“I… I…” Come on, you can do this. He’s your husband for shit’s sake. “I… was wondering if… if you wanted to… if you’d maybe thought about, um… if we should… couldwehaveababy?” I scrunch my eyes closed in a grimace. Brilliant. Very smooth. I could hardly understand myself at the end, does he even know what I said? Was that even the right way to ask him?

I open my eyes slowly, afraid of what might be showing on his face. Confusion, disappointment, anger, reluctance? All I can picture are the negative possibilities since they’re all I’ve been focused on for weeks. Worst case scenarios are my specialty. But when I look at him again I don’t see any of that. In fact, I don’t see much of anything at all. The concern on his face has been replaced by his default expression, but his eyes are darkened and stormy.

He leans down to my level, hand still under my chin, and looks me in the eyes. “Oh. I see” he murmurs, lips inches away from mine. He’s breathing slow and even despite the heavy workout he just had. “Don’t work too hard today. Come home early.”

His eyes are scorching, burning a hole right through me. Arousal. Pure, blazing arousal, more intense than I’ve ever seen it before. I don’t quite understand this reaction, but at least he’s not rejecting the idea. I think. A delightful shudder runs up my spine as I imagine what might be in store for me at home later, and I nod slowly, breathing more rapidly than is acceptable for standing stock still. He smirks, pecks me on the lips, and turns around to do his post workout stretching. That’s my cue to leave and I half stumble out the door.


	2. Explanations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, this is twice as long as the last chapter! I really agonized over this one. I don't have a beta so I spent tons of time reading and rewriting. I hope it was worth it, haha. Thanks for reading!

I step out into the sunshine, dazed. What the hell just happened? Annabelle whinnies at me, but I hardly hear her with the blood rushing in my ears. What am I supposed to make of his reaction?

To my horror I realize I didn’t get a real answer from him. Not yes. Not no. Just a command to come home early, a promise that we wouldn’t be getting much sleep tonight. If anything, I’m more confused about his position on this than I was before. And no way am I going back in there and looking more stupid than I did the first time to clarify. 

I lean against the wall of the building and try to catch my breath. All the expectations I had for that conversation were totally blown out of the water. What the hell do I do now? I’m definitely not going to stand around and wait for him. I’d better move before he comes out here for patrol and sees me. I start to make my way back home on shaky legs, trying not to tumble down the hill.

My mind is racing trying to figure out his cryptic non-answer. Most people would probably take what he said as a yes. But it didn’t tell me if he actually wants kids, that he isn’t just agreeing because it’s what I want. I don’t know if he’s willing to stick around for them always, never to abandon them for a grander adventure like my father did to me. And there’s the crux of my concern: The Flying Pigs in Lucien, Arlo’s biggest goal. He hasn’t made it in yet, but I have no doubt he eventually will, his dedication to it is unparalleled. And what will that mean for us? 

I’ve grown to love Portia. It’s more of a home than I’ve ever had before, and the city needs me here. I could never leave now, nor do I want to. At the same time, I could never ever ask Arlo to give up his lifelong dream for me. Why why WHY didn’t we discuss this before? Giant rats, the Rogue Knight and Sky Pirates had been quite the distractions during our whirlwind of a romance, but that’s nothing more than an excuse, I know.

My adrenaline rush is wearing off and I start to tremble as I walk through the gate to the front yard, planning to go lay down for a while. I’m startled out of my thoughts when I suddenly bump into Ack, who clatters loudly to the ground. 

“Oh, I’m so sorry Ack! I didn’t see you there. Are you ok?” I reach my hand out to help him up.

“That’s quite alright Hana, no harm done! Say, is something troubling you?” he asks in his convincing facsimile of a human voice as I haul him to his feet. 

“No, no, I’m fine. Just, lots to think about right now…” I giggle nervously. He doesn’t seem convinced. He doesn’t push it though, and bids me farewell, hopping his way out of the yard.

Now fully aware of my surroundings, I notice the factory isn’t making its’ usual racket. Damn. It must’ve run out of power overnight and now my commissions are behind schedule. Shaking out my rubbery-feeling limbs, I walk into the factory to restore its power for a few more days. Once it’s up and running again, I think my best bet to prevent a panic attack today is to act like nothing is different. I still have responsibilities, despite Arlo’s command that I not work too hard.

I decide to walk back into town to the Commerce Guild. It’s well after 4pm at this point, so Higgins will have taken the best commission, but that’s ok. As long as I don’t have to be near him and his smug, rat-like face. I don’t need the extra stress. I walk in and greet Antoine, who’s smiling serenely as ever at the reception desk. I make a point not to chat with him though. As much as I like him, I don’t need him gossiping about me today.

I quickly select a commission for Mars, and head right back out the door. I still have a few hours before my commission for Sonia is finished thanks to my forgetfulness last night, so I decide to take a stroll to the Central Plaza to kill time. 

It’s a gorgeous day, nearing the end of spring. It’s not too hot yet, perfect walking weather. I pass Django, Oaks, and Martha on the way and I sit on mine and Arlo’s favorite bench under the Wishing Tree. We’ve spent so many dates here, chatting about everything and nothing at all. I glance across the plaza at my not-so-favorite bench. It’s the one Arlo took me to when we were still just friends to ask my advice about dating Nora. 

I was falling for him so quickly by then. It punched a hole right through me learning that someone he’d known much longer and spent more time with was after his affection. Selfishly, I told him not to pursue her right then. He did say he thought of her like a sister though, so I didn’t feel as horrible as I probably should’ve at the time. It was maybe a week later that I gave him a heart knot, afraid that if I didn’t confess I would lose my chance with him.

Shortly after we’d become official I told him about the whole thing to get if off my conscience. I still felt a little guilty for possibly ruining a good thing for he and Nora. He laughed and admitted to me that he’d had ulterior motives for asking me about it. In truth he had already turned Nora down gently when he’d asked me. He already knew he didn’t feel the same way for her, but that he was definitely feeling something for me. He figured it would be a good way to test the waters with me, hoping I’d act jealous or something. He was little worried when all I said was that he should wait. We had a good laugh about it and promised to be totally honest with each other from that point on.

After he accepted the heart knot everything moved so quickly between us it’s hard to keep track of it all. We trained together and fought side by side many times. We had our first kiss at Bassanio Falls, walking together in the moonlight. We got far too drunk on Saturday nights with Sam and Remington at The Round Table. Blushing, I also recall the unplanned illicit meetings in broad daylight behind the trees near my workshop. And in the Abandoned Ruins. And in the bushes outside Portia’s walls… 

I shake my head to banish the images and become aware that I’ve been trapped in my memories for a while. It’s 6pm now, more people are in the plaza and shops are closing up. I jump to my feet when I realize I don’t really know what Arlo considers “early”. He might already be waiting for me at home. Panicking slightly, I hurry over to the Dee-Dee Stop near the Museum and take the ride back. It’s not a long walk, but my legs are still sort of jello-y from all the shaking I’ve done today.

I get off at the Peach Plaza stop and notice the house lights aren’t on yet as I look down the road. Thank goodness. I’m not quite ready to face him and what he seemingly has planned for us tonight. I still need to clarify his intentions. The last thing I want is a family out of obligation or a sense of duty. I want him to want it too.

I hurry past the gates and walk into the house, shutting the door behind me. Pinky is already home, snoozing quietly on her princess bed. Spoiled kitty. I think about making dinner, but I still don’t know when Arlo is showing up and I’m too anxious to eat anyway. I need to busy myself with something though, so I settle for rearranging some of the furniture. I’ve been meaning to for a while and it serves as a good distraction.

________

It’s a little after 8pm when he opens the door, just as I finish rehanging one of my favorite photos of us together. I haven’t even turned to look at him yet, but it feels like a tidal wave of sexual tension followed him into the house. I can sense his eyes on me. Suddenly I’m more nervous than when we were first intimate with each other. I slowly turn my head and our eyes meet. His whole body is tensed, like a lion about to pounce, eyes gleaming. He seems ready to take me on whichever piece of furniture is closest. My eyes widen, and I flush crimson. 

I only manage to blink twice before he’s suddenly in front of me. He crushes me to his chest and I squeak in surprise. He’s nearly a foot taller than me, so it takes some effort to lean down to my ear in this position, but he does it anyway.

“I’ve been looking forward to this all day, Love. Do you have any idea what you did to me this afternoon?” he whispers lowly, making me shiver in anticipation. He runs a finger slowly over my lips, staring hungrily at me. I need to keep hold of my head before I totally lose it in his bedroom eyes. I have to get through to him, even if it kills the mood entirely.

“Arlo, I…” 

But my words are cut off by a kiss so urgent you’d think he hadn’t seen me in years. Involuntarily, I moan into his mouth, unable to resist the way he feels against my lips. I find myself kissing him back with fervor, flinging my arm around his neck. I might already be a lost cause, but I have to keep trying.

“Wait, Arlo…” I gasp as he releases my mouth to seal his lips on my neck instead. 

“Hmm?” he hums into my throat, not helping my concentration.

“Ah… I… uh…” My eyes roll back as his teeth catch my skin, marking me where he knows everyone will see it. My clothes are starting to feel too hot and I can’t find my voice.

He suddenly grabs the backs of my thighs and lifts, wrapping my legs around his waist. He swiftly presses me up against the nearest wall and I’m trying very hard to ignore the pressure of his body on mine in all the right places. Damn him. He knows exactly what to do turn me into a puddle and I’m nearly helpless to stop it. His lips are still on my neck and his free hand has made its way up my shirt, thumb stroking under the curve of my breast.

And I’m thinking about how fucking hot it is that he’s so strong he can hold me up against a wall with only one arm. I run my hands over his biceps and all I can think about is getting his jacket off. Without warning his hand quickly moves from under my shirt to the waistband of my pants and I snap out of it. I have to do this now or I’m done for.

“Ah… Arlo… A-Arlo, about… about having kids…” I pant. His lips leave my neck and make their way to my ear.

“What about it, Love? Not having second thoughts, are you?” he breathes heavily, rolling his hips into mine. Fuck.

“No, I… I just wanted to… to make sure you weren’t… ah… just doing this for my sake” I manage to reply, short of breath. At this he pauses and leans back a little to meet my eyes.

“What do you mean?” he asks, his voice husky and confused.

“I… realized last season that I didn’t know if… if you wanted kids or not. If they were part of your plan. You have goals for yourself, and… I wasn’t sure if a family was one of them. I never actually asked you…” I mutter, still catching my breath and staring into his chest. I’m simultaneously ashamed and embarrassed to admit to him that I clearly don’t know him as well as I should. 

A look of comprehension dawns on his face as he laughs and says “Oh! I uh, guess I never asked you that either. How did we manage to skip that conversation?” He scratches the back of his neck and smirks at me.

I crack a small smile, relieved he isn’t upset. “No idea. But I figured it would be important to know before we go through with… this” I giggle, gesturing to our current position. 

He nods and easily carries me over to our double bed. He sits, and I get comfortable in his lap. We sit face to face, my legs still wrapped around his waist. I give him a light kiss on the forehead and take a calming breath to start the conversation I tried to have twice already today. Third time’s the charm, I hope.

“Arlo, I want you to be completely honest with me about this. Please don’t spare my feelings. I have a few questions but answer this one first. Are you interested in having children?”

He gives me a reassuring smile. “Absolutely Hana. You know, it was never something I thought much about until I met you. I was always so focused on other things. But maybe a few weeks into dating you I caught myself imagining what a life with you would be like, and there were always children involved in that daydream.” He grins, and I feel some of the tightness in my heart loosen. 

“I am a tad nervous about the whole thing, of course. Being a parent is more responsibility than I’ve ever taken on before, even as a Captain. I want to make sure I do it right. And… I do worry in my line of work that something could happen to me. But that’s just life isn’t it? Neither of us have the safest jobs in the world. I don’t want to hold back for the ‘what ifs’, you know?” He pauses for a second and I nod and smile. Neither of us are what you’d call risk averse.

“I’m guessing based on everything that happened today that you want to have kids too” he chuckles. “Am I right?”

“Yes. More than anything Arlo. Especially with you” I answer shyly, ducking my head. “But… I do have a few reservations… based on my own childhood.” His brow furrows in concern and his grip on me tightens slightly. He knows I have abandonment issues, no thanks to Pa. 

“Oh? Tell me Love. I’ll do anything I can to help you work through whatever you need me to.” My heart melts. I really don’t deserve this wonderful man. I take another steadying breath. I’ve sure been having to do a lot of those today. 

“I know that your biggest goal in life has been to join the Flying Pigs someday.” He nods. “I just… need to know what’s going to happen to us when you make it in. I… I don’t want our children to feel the way I did when my father left me behind for a bigger, better adventure somewhere else. I don’t want to leave Portia and I wouldn’t want to uproot our children either. I know how hard it is to have to start all over as a kid. I don’t want that for them… but I don’t want them to be fatherless either…” 

I trail off, my voice cracking. I’m on the verge of tears now. I’m more afraid of this potential circumstance than I was letting myself feel before. Now, saying all of it aloud to him and acknowledging the possibility of it is making it more real and so much scarier.

He swiftly pulls me into a tight embrace and buries his face in my hair. “I’m so sorry Hana” he whispers, regret deep in his voice. “I wish I had been more aware of how much this has obviously been weighing you down. I really should’ve talked to you about this sooner.” 

He leans back, gently holding my cheeks in his hands, so much larger and warmer than my own shaky cold ones. He tilts my face towards his, staring straight into my teary eyes with his clear blue ones, full of sincerity. 

“I can promise you on my life that I will never EVER leave you or our future children in search of something else. There will never be anything bigger or better than you and our family. I do have other goals, of course. That hasn’t changed. The only difference is that now I want you alongside me when I reach them. I made a commitment to you and I plan to stick to it. I’d sooner die than betray the trust you’ve put in me.”

All the tears I’ve been holding in finally spill over because I fucking love him so much. No one has ever been so devoted to me before. It’s overwhelming, kind of scary and so, so wonderful. I bury my face in his shoulder, my hands clenched in his jacket. 

“I’m sorry…” I sniffle into his neck, tears leaving dark splotches on his bandana. He strokes my hair and I can hear a soft smile in his voice.

“Don’t apologize. I know your dad traumatized you, and I’m sorry I didn’t make things clearer to you from the start. As for leaving Portia, if the Flying Pigs decide they want me in their ranks I have a few ideas that would let us stay here and allow me to still be involved with them” he says soothingly into my ear. 

I’m full on sobbing now, holding him even tighter. He’s already thought about this? He has a plan? I feel immensely guilty and stupid for having had so little faith in him. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m such a selfish idiot.

“It’s ok Love, please don’t cry” he whispers. He slowly rocks me back and forth and strokes my hair until I manage to choke back my tears.

Semi-composed, I pry myself off his shoulder and he gently wipes the remaining tears from my face. My eyes feel puffy and I’m sure I look like a total mess, but he’s still looking at me with intense adoration. I can’t help but feel like I didn’t earn it.

“I don’t even have words for how much I don’t deserve you, Arlo” I sniffle, staring down at my hands in my lap. “I should’ve trusted that you had a plan. I’m sorry for making such a big deal out of this. Having a family just… it just means so much to me.”

He smiles warmly at me and shakes his head. “You deserve everything I have to give you and more Hana. I can think of no one else that I want to give my all for” he says, pushing a stray strand of hair behind my ear. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve had a rough go of it and I don’t blame you for being wary. And don’t forget, this is on me too. Both of us neglected to talk about this beforehand and made assumptions we shouldn’t have.”

I nod. He always knows what to say, always reinforcing that we’re a partnership. We sit together quietly for a minute while I finish pulling myself back together. 

“So… what’s your genius plan?” I ask, breaking the silence, a small grin on my face. 

“If I make it in to the Flying Pigs, you mean?” he questions.

“Not if, WHEN” I say stubbornly, crossing my arms over my chest and giving him a stern look. He never gives himself enough credit. He works too hard to feel like he isn’t good enough for them.

He smiles wider and then I see him shift into his planning face, the one he wears when he’s strategizing an exploration of a new ruin or problem solving for a citizen. 

“Well, there’s two main options, really. Both would require permission from the main Guild. But now that Mali has seen Portia and knows it a little better I think that might be in my favor.” He absentmindedly scratches up and down my back as he speaks, further relaxing me.

“Option one is that I spend one week per season in Lucien and the rest of the time here at home. I realize that’s a lot of time to be away though, and it’s not the option I’d prefer to take. But if that’s all I could get I would take it, with your blessing of course.” He tilts his head in question, eyes scanning my face for a reaction. 

“Hmm…” I think for second. “You’re right, it’s not ideal. But if it allows you to do what you love then I think we could manage that.”

“You’re the best. I knew I married you for a reason” he beams at me. I never get tired of seeing him smile since it happens so rarely in public. It’s like he saves them all for me when we’re alone.

“Option two is that I propose to lead a sector of the Guild here in Portia. I’d still be involved with the Civil Corps, and I wouldn’t have to stray too far from home aside from business meetings most likely, same as it is now. And Portia has grown quite a lot the past few years. With the increase in tourists, people are stumbling upon dangerous new ruins and things all the time. Who knows what kind of stuff is down there? I think having a sector here would really benefit the Guild as a whole. I would be busier for sure and maybe wouldn’t be home for dinner as much, but I really think this is the better option for both Portia and the Guild. And for our family, of course. What do you think, Love?”

I smile at him as big as my face allows, throw my arms around his neck and nearly strangle him in a hug. “Arlo, I think that’s maybe one of the best ideas you’ve ever had! Really, I don’t know how they could say no to that! You should talk to Mali and Gale, I’m sure they’d be on board!”

“Slow down Hana!” he laughs, hugging me back. “I have to make it into the ranks first, you know.” I lean back to look at him again and try to put as much conviction into my voice as possible. 

“You will Arlo. You absolutely will. I believe in you, and I’m already so proud of everything you’ve accomplished. You’ve worked so hard to get where you are. There’s no way they can ignore you forever.” I attempt to straighten out his bandana as I speak, having knocked it crooked earlier.

“But, if they ARE stupid enough to ignore you forever,” I continue “I hope you know that I will love you just the same. You’re already a wonderful leader, a great man and an incredible husband. I know how much it means to you that you make it in. But I want you know that it won’t matter to me if you don’t, aside from being sad for you if it doesn’t work out.”

I stop fussing with his bandana, look up, and I’m startled to see tears shining in his eyes. I can count the number of times I’ve seen Arlo cry on one hand.

He crushes me to his chest for the second time that night, holding on to me like he’ll fall through the floor if he lets go. He isn’t completely crying, but his voice sounds much thicker than normal when he speaks again. 

“I think I’M the one who doesn’t deserve YOU, Hana. To know that you believe in me that much, to have someone always in my corner cheering me on… it means more to me than you’ll ever know.” He clears his throat, leans back and looks at me again.

“Part of the reason I want to join the Flying Pigs so much is to protect everything I care about. And what’s the point of doing that if I have to leave behind what I want to protect most?” He leans his forehead against mine and closes his eyes. “You are the most important thing in my life now. I’m grateful you care so much about my other goals, but I want you to remember that you will always come first. I made that decision back when I accepted that heart knot. Ok?”

My eyes start to well with tears again, and I decide a kiss is better than anything I could say. I softly touch my lips to his, unsure if he’ll reciprocate, but he does. It’s slow and sweet, so unlike the kisses from only a half hour ago. Our lips move together, and I breathe him in. He smells like sandalwood and leather. It’s intoxicating, and I find myself wishing I could just stay here for eternity.

I sigh contentedly into his lips, truly relaxed for the first time in weeks, and his chest rumbles with gentle laughter. I break the kiss and raise my eyebrows at him. “What’s so funny?”

“Oh nothing” he laughs lightly, eyes shining with happiness. “I just really love you.”

“I really love you too” I grin. I lean back in to his inviting warmth, thanking my lucky stars for him. I don’t know what I did to deserve such an incredible husband, but I must’ve done something right.


	3. Catharsis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy. Spoilers, this one's a little filthy, read at own risk. I'll be honest, I had a lot of trouble writing this one. It took me longer to write than any chapter so far, and I even skipped ahead in the story because I got stuck a few times, haha. Hopefully I did my job and it flows well though. Enjoy!

As we kiss I start to lose myself to the feeling of him and his lips on mine, his strong arms securely around my waist. His hands find my cheeks and he pulls my face closer to deepen the kiss, lips parting. I respond in kind, letting our tongues meet in a familiar dance.

One of his hands drifts into my hair while the other falls to my waist and snakes up my shirt. His reaching fingers are rough and warm, roaming slowly up my spine. I move one of my own hands from his broad chest to twist my fingers into his hair. 

I feel him start to harden underneath me in the confines of his pants. He breaks the kiss, moving to my neck and nibbling pleasantly along my jawline. I incline my head to give him better access to my pressure points and sigh happily.

“Down to business so quickly?” I tease, breathing a little heavier than before, heat quickly rising in my skin. 

“I wasn’t kidding when I said you’d done something to me this afternoon. I have a horrible craving for you. I’ve gotta have you or I might explode” he growls, his breath hot against my throat. He continues nipping dark bruises into my skin.

“I might be able to help you with that, Captain” I whisper suggestively in his ear. I glide my hand from his chest down to his now slightly tented pants and deftly undo one of the belts he wears around his waist. His lips halt against my neck and I see his shoulders tense.

“You know, I’d never seen you so… _feral_ before. You’re usually so in control…” I croon, swiftly undoing the other belt. I graze my fingers over his stiffening cock just enough for him to sense it.

I feel him shiver against me, hands freezing in place on my hips. His breathing is slightly labored, and his voice is raspy and low. “Don’t tease me Hana… I’ve been wound up all damn day.” 

I reach up and slowly unzip his jacket, rolling my hips into him as payback for earlier. “Maybe I like you all wound up” I breathe in his ear, quickly undoing his chest harness and tossing it on the floor behind me. 

“Shit...” His breath hitches and he groans, fingers digging into my waist. He’s holding himself back to make this last, but his sharp breaths tell me he’s about to lose it. He pulls back to meet my eyes, his own dark and eager. 

“You’re playing a dangerous game, Love…” he warns, his voice dripping with unconcealed need, lips inches from mine.

“You know me. Life’s no fun without a little danger.” I give him a sly grin and tenderly kiss the small space between his beard and lower lip. He tries to kiss me back, but I lean away before he can catch my lips. I smirk coyly at him.

He narrows his eyes at me. He knows a challenge when he sees one. “So that’s how it’s gonna be, eh? You’re a little cruel sometimes Love, you know that?”

My fingers toy with the hem of his undershirt just above the button on his pants, floating over his skin. “And just what are you gonna do about it, Captain?” I ask innocently.

Before I know what’s happening he spins us around and pins me to the bed beneath him, hands captured above my head.

“You’ve really done it now, Hana. Are you prepared for the consequences?” he says gruffly, eyes blazing. 

A jolt of pleasure shoots up my spine and I shudder in anticipation. I love this game. “Do your worst.”

His lips crash into mine and he kisses me so fiercely it makes me dizzy. He’s biting and sucking and bruising my lips and I can’t seem to get enough. He releases my hands to unbutton my pants and I impatiently push his jacket off his shoulders to the floor. 

Breaking the kiss, he stands up and yanks my pants off me, throwing his bandana and t-shirt off quickly after. I whip my own shirt off in the meantime and playfully throw it at his face. Catching him off guard, I hook my fingers in his beltloops and pull him back onto the bed with me. 

He catches himself on all fours, hovering over me as I reach up to rake my fingers down his muscular back, but he grabs my wrists again and restrains me with one hand.

“I don’t think so, Love” shaking his head and grinning devilishly. “You know the price for riling me up.” 

His heated breath skims my face as he leans down and runs his tongue across the shell of my ear, sliding a warm hand up my inner thigh. Arousal hooks around my stomach and pulls, making me shiver against him. “You won’t remember your own name by the time I’m finished with you” he grins.

“Is that a promise?” I pant, straining against the hand still holding my wrists above me, aching to touch him.

“You fucking know it is” he vows, gripping my wrists tighter. He moves further up my thigh until his fingers graze the fabric of my thong, making me twitch.

“Please, Arlo… I need to touch you” I groan, still trying to tug my wrists free of his grasp. 

“Patience, my love. You know the rules” he hums, slipping a finger beneath my underwear and slowly stroking my slit. “God… you’re soaking wet, Hana…” he mutters, voice quaking with lust, his bravado briefly gone.

I buck my hips, silently begging for more contact. Relenting, he swiftly pulls my thong off, knocks my legs apart with his knees and easily slides a finger inside me. He pumps agonizingly slow to start, sending a swell of desire to my clit.

The need to touch him and feel his skin on mine is overwhelming. I whimper, arching my back. My still covered breasts graze his bare chest and he trembles at the contact. 

“Is that all you’ve got, Captain?” I whine, clearly enjoying myself but taunting him for more.

He smirks and lifts an eyebrow at me. “Not a chance.” He captures my lips with his, and two more fingers join the first one, pumping and curling against my inner walls. I gasp into his mouth, moaning and squirming beneath him. Every thrust of his hand makes me weaker and my limbs feel heavy. 

He finally releases my wrists and reaches under me to unhook my bra. My hands are free, but I know better than to move them yet. He skillfully unhooks the offending garment, rips it off me and immediately has his hands on me, cupping one of my breasts and gently tugging at my nipple.

He removes his lips from mine and seals them on my neglected breast, nipping and licking expertly. He slows the thrusting of his other hand, maneuvering his thumb to make agonizingly slow circles around my clit. My legs start to shake as the pressure builds, every nerve on fire.

“Arlo… please don’t stop… fuck… I’m almost there…” I’m panting and shaking and bucking my hips. He suddenly picks up speed and I see stars, my back arching off the bed even further.

He drags his mouth off my breast and stares into my eyes, his own glazed over with desire. He caresses my cheek, thumb brushing over my temple. “Come for me, Hana. I want to hear you scream for me” he commands, voice hoarse and needy.

That’s all I need to fall over the edge and I come hard around his invading fingers, walls pulsing around him, crying out his name. My freed hands find his biceps, digging in and holding on as I ride out the tsunami of pleasure washing over me. Wave after wave of white-hot bliss flows through me and I wish it would never end.

“FUCK. Oh fuck, Arlo…” I groan as I fall back against the bed, chest heaving and gasping for air as the feeling ebbs. He slowly pulls out of me and sits back on his heels. One by one he licks his fingers clean, staring into my eyes the whole time. My eyes widen. He’s never done that before but I’m finding it seriously hot.

“Had enough, Love? You’re looking a little spent” he challenges, admiring his handiwork.

“Before I even get to touch you? I don’t think so” I sit up, narrowing my eyes at him, not ready to give in to the afterglow yet. I dive forward and pull his face to mine, surprising him. A muffled groan escapes him as I explore his mouth with my tongue in a frenzy. I want more. I want all of him. Now. 

I move my hands to his pants and yank them open so fast the button pops off. Groping around, I find what I’m looking for straining hard against his underwear. I slowly, torturously stroke my hand up and down his rock-hard shaft through the cloth.

He moans into my mouth and darts his hands around my back to squeeze my ass tightly. I keep stroking until his breathing is ragged and it’s hard for him to kiss me back. I pull at the cloth and his cock finally springs free, thick and straight as an arrow.

“Please Hana… I won’t last long like this” he pants, hips thrusting upwards to meet my hand. 

“Then tell me what to do. I want you to take me however you want” I breathe. His hands fly to my shoulders and he shoves me to my back. He stands, kicking off his boots and shedding his pants, completely bare now. 

I openly stare, relishing the opportunity to admire his naked form. He grabs my ankle and pulls me towards him at the edge of the bed, his arm muscles rippling with the sudden movement.

“Roll over” he commands, and I quickly comply. He pulls me closer to the edge, lifting my hips up so I’m on my hands and knees. I turn my head towards him and watch him as he hovers over me, pumping his dick in one hand and ogling me hungrily. 

“I swear Hana, you’re the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever fucking seen in my life. I can’t believe you married me” he declares, both lust and love in his voice. 

I giggle at the flattery. “You’re not so bad yourself, Captain. Now are you going to fuck your beautiful wife, or does she have to drag out Old Reliable?”

He looks aghast. “You wouldn’t dare…”

“I will if you don’t get this show on the road. It’s rude to leave a woman waiting you know” I smirk, wiggling my ass at him.

He chuckles and positions himself at my dripping entrance. “Of course, Love. As you wish.” 

He pushes inside me achingly slow until he’s buried to the hilt. My skin may as well be on fire for how much I’m burning up, finally feeling whole with him inside me. He stills for a few seconds, relishing the feeling of being one as much as I am.

He pulls all the way out and I start to whine at the lost contact until he plunges into me, pumping hard and fast this time. He leans further over me, his chest touching my back as he reaches around to fondle my breasts. I drop down to one elbow and snake a hand between my legs, furiously circling my clit as he pounds relentlessly into me.

“Fuck… oh fuck Arlo, please don’t stop” I gasp, breathless.

“Yeah? You like that? Tell me how much you like it. I want to hear you say it” he grunts, snapping his hips into me in a steady rhythm. 

“Yes… God, yes, please don’t stop! I love your cock, Arlo… I love the way you fuck me up and ruin me” I mumble, purposely clenching my walls around him.

His body tenses around me and he thrusts into me faster. “Shit, Hana, don’t do that… I want you to come first…” he hisses through his teeth.

“Then make me…” I mutter, burying my face in the sheets as the pressure builds again.

I feel him pull out and I’m quickly flipped over onto my back. He hoists my legs onto his shoulders and slams into me again, gripping my hips tightly.

“Fuck… I can’t handle when you talk like that, Love” he pants.

I seize his shoulders and pull him closer, kissing him greedily. I revel in the feeling of his skin on mine, hot and slick with sweat. Every inch of me starts to contract, my hands clutching at him fervently.

“I’m gonna come Arlo, I’m so close…” I say into his lips. I hold his face and stare into his eyes as I hover near the edge once again. “I love you so fucking much.”

He kisses me hard, hips snapping faster. “I love you too” he pants. “I’m gonna lose it Hana, I can’t hold on…”

“Just a little more…” 

The coil inside me snaps and I writhe wildly against him, scraping my nails down his back and gasping. Colors burst in my vision as I pulse around him and he drives into me. He watches me come undone and that’s all it takes for him to find his own release. He bursts, emitting low guttural cries and biting down on my shoulder. His hips thrust erratically, spilling himself inside me until he has nothing left.

Breathing heavily, he collapses on top of me. My ears are ringing and I feel light headed as I lay there for a second, mind blown and sore in the best way. I lazily run my hand through his hair as we come down from our high. After a minute he rolls us over and I lay my head on his chest, encircled safely in his arms. 

“Wow…” he breathes, “that was something else, Hana, you were incredible. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you make so many demands before. That was so fucking hot.”

I giggle, a little embarrassed now by my earlier boldness. “Well I’m glad you were into it. I’m not entirely sure what came over me. This might sound weird, but there’s something about the thought of you being a family man that really turns my gears.”

A warm laugh rumbles through his chest. “Nah, that’s not weird. Believe it or not, that’s more or less why I was so wound up after you visited me today. Knowing you want to have my children triggered something primal. Must be animal instinct.”

I laugh and snuggle closer into his chest, eyelids quite heavy now. I hum contentedly as he kisses my forehead, his fingers trailing lightly over my arms. We lay in the afterglow until I can’t keep my eyes open anymore.

“Thank you, Arlo” I murmur before I can surrender to the heaviness of sleep.

“Hmm? What for?” he asks slowly, nearly asleep as well.

“For taking a chance on me. I’m so lucky to be yours” I whisper reverently, stifling a yawn halfway through.

He squeezes me briefly, resting his head on mine. “Oh, sweetheart. I’m the lucky one. Marrying you was the best decision I’ve ever made. I love you.”

I’m barely conscious now but I smile as I drift off. “Love you too…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof. So many sex scenes are from the perspective of first time lovers, so I tried really hard to make sure Arlo and Hana seem very comfortable with each other since they've been together awhile now. Had to reach into my own bag of experiences for that, haha. I'll let you guess which parts. ;) Thanks for reading, and let me know how I did!


	4. Hopes and Dreamscapes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! This chapter was so easy to bang out compared to the last one, despite it being way longer. Things are gonna start getting a little crazy, and I'm so loving writing this story still. Thanks for reading!

Fire fills my vision, dazzling and bright, but I somehow don’t feel threatened by it. Its’ threads dance as if blown by a gentle breeze. The flames are all-encompassing, below my feet and in the sky as well. 

A pair of large blue orbs glow slightly above my head. They gleam like sunshine, giving off even more warmth. I reach out to touch them, but I’m not quite tall enough. 

Where am I? Glancing around, the pleasantly warm, welcoming fire is all there is as far as the eye can see. That’s ok. I like it here. I brush my hands over the thread-like flames nearest me, and I’m surprised that it doesn’t burn me. It’s warm, certainly, but I feel no pain. Most oddly it feels soft but coarse as it flickers wildly, untamed beneath my fingers.

I look up to find the orbs again and notice they’ve been joined by another pair of smaller orbs in the same blue hue. The four orbs gleam brightly, dancing together. Overwhelming joy is all I feel as I watch them play together, flipping this way and that. They swirl around me as I walk to nowhere, always sticking close by. 

I think I’d like to watch them forever, but I seem to have stepped in a deep puddle. My boots are soaked to the ankles. I look down to my feet and see the fire all around me is gone now, replaced by an expanse of clear shallow water, smooth as glass and stretching out forever. 

I’m feeling a bit thirsty, so I lean down to cup some in my hands only to jolt back in shock and pain. As soon as my hands dipped into the water it was replaced by blood, boiling hot and sticky.

I’m a little scared now. Where did all this blood come from? Where did the happy fire go? I start to panic and look above me to the dancing orbs for guidance. To my horror, the larger pair of blue orbs are leaking, evenly dripping the horrible viscous liquid that now covers the ground. I reach for them again, but they slowly drift up and away, raining down drops of gore around me, and I start gagging at the smell of it.

I’m quickly up to my thighs in scalding blood and my skin is searing with pain, my clothes not protecting me in the slightest. I search for the smaller pair of orbs as I desperately cry out for help. My skin is blistering and I want to crawl out of it, leave it behind. My legs are starting to give out as I trudge through the thick sea of red, looking for a reprieve but finding none.

I finally spot the smaller orbs, thankfully not dripping, hovering slightly above the swiftly rising tide. They’re struggling to follow the larger pair upwards but can’t seem to move very quickly on their own. I want to help the tiny orbs, throw them high into the sky to escape this horror, but I can’t move fast enough. Terror grips me as I realize I won’t get to them in time. I can’t protect them.

Soon enough the blood is up to my chest and the bottom of the small blue orbs start to touch the top of the waves. At first contact the orbs try harder to get away, jumping frantically to escape the blood. After a few moments of this though, it succumbs. Helpless, they float atop the ocean of gore and start to dim, fading to black in mere seconds.

I scream at the orbs to keep trying while shrieking in pain, my clothes heavy with the blazing sticky liquid surrounding me. I’m being dragged under and no one can help me. Fear clutches my heart, squeezing out any hope I have of survival and I start to cry.

The larger blue orbs, high in the pitch-black abyss above me, start dripping slower, their light starting to dim. The smaller orbs, now dark and hollow looking, start sinking down into the swell of disgusting red liquid.

“NO! NO, PLEASE! STAY WITH ME!” I scream at the orbs, but the large pair remains where they are, un-answering as I completely lose sight of the small ones beneath the waves. Once the larger orbs fade, they will take the rest of the light with them, leaving me here in a dark, bloody pool to burn and drown.

I know the large orbs are the reason for this crimson sea enveloping me, but I’m so afraid to be left here alone to die. And for some reason I don’t think they meant to drip blood. It had to have been a mistake. They exuded such warmth and happiness only a few moments ago… how could this be? Why did this happen? Everything was fine until I touched the water. Was this actually my fault?

The dripping stops abruptly. The blood is up to my ears now. If I can keep my mouth and nose above the surface I might survive a little longer. I tilt my head back, gasping for breath through my tears.

I stare up at the dying blue orbs. There’s nothing I can do for them now. I can’t reach them and my legs are just so heavy. With a silent flicker, the last of the light fades, leaving me in pitch darkness.

With a large splash, a wave of boiling hot pain washes over my face and I resurface, choking and crying. The floating orbs must’ve plummeted to the sea. I try to tread in place, but the blood is too thick, my tired limbs not moving fast enough. 

My legs finally give out under me and I plunge beneath the mass of gore. My skin has to be melting off by this point. It almost doesn’t hurt anymore, my nerves probably burned right off, but I can’t stop screaming, blood filling my mouth and lungs. I start to shake violently as I gurgle and choke, desperate for air but only tasting iron. I just want the pain to stop. Maybe if I let it take me…

“HANA!”

What? All was silent but for my screaming a second ago. What’s happening?

“HANA! Hana, please! Wake up!”

Wake up? I wish I could. I’d give anything to escape this horrible agony. I just want the blue orbs back. I want to be where they are. They were so lovely… 

Suddenly my body is yanked upwards and I’m blinded by light that’s too bright, my eyes clenched tightly closed. I’m shaking again and someone is screaming in my ears. 

“HANA!”

…Arlo?

I open my eyes to find myself sitting up in bed, Arlo’s worried face inches from mine. I look around panicked and gasping, expecting more blood but seeing nothing but him and our brightly lit bedroom. I quickly realize that he was shaking me awake. I was the one who was screaming.

I burst into tears, completely overwhelmed by the fear from just moments ago and grateful that none of it was real. Arlo quickly takes me in his arms and tries to calm me, rocking me back and forth slowly.

“Hey, hey it’s ok Love, it was just a dream. I’m here. It’s gonna be ok, I promise” he soothes. 

“I… I… it hurt so much… they, they DIED! They’re dead, Arlo… it’s all my fault, I couldn’t help them! So much blood…” I shudder and gasp into his chest, almost as out of breath now as I was while drowning in the dream.

“It’s alright Hana, I’ve got you. No one is dead. I’m right here” he whispers, but I’m inconsolable and disoriented. I start to tremble violently and I’m at risk of hyperventilating. 

“I-I-I can’t… so dark and-and sticky and horrible and I can’t breathe, I’m gonna drown, I’m gonna drown…”

He sits me back and holds my face firmly, forcing me to look at him. “Look at me Hana, look at me. Just breathe, ok? Can you do that for me? Deep breaths, in and out. In for three and out for eight, alright? Do it with me, ready?”

He breathes in deeply and I do my best to follow. My throat feels swollen half shut and my exhales are staggered and sharp, but it works. After a few minutes I feel myself relax in his grip and he lets go, sliding his hands around my back to hug me. 

“Better?” he asks gently.

“Yeah… yeah I think so. Thank you. I’m really sorry about that, I didn’t mean to wake you up” I mumble over his shoulder, hands clutching him tightly.

“It’s not your fault, nightmares are awful. That must’ve been a pretty nasty one. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I’m here to listen if you do.” He leans back and smiles warmly at me, stroking my cheek with his thumb.

“Thanks, but I’d rather just try to forget about it” I mutter, embarrassed and ashamed.

“No worries, Love” he smiles, running a hand through my hair. “Want to get back to sleep? It’s only 3am.”

“I don’t know if I can… but I should probably try.” I pause. “I’m kind of scared, Arlo. I’ve never had a nightmare like that before. I know it sounds cliché, but it felt so intensely real…”

He lays back onto his pillow and brings me with him, laying my head on his chest. He rubs his hand up and down my arm, squeezing me tightly. I listen to his heart thumping in a comforting, steady rhythm. I take another deep breath and sigh.

“It’s ok to be afraid. I’ll be right here to keep you safe, ok? I won’t let anything happen to you, promise. I’ll wake you up if I notice anything. Deal?” He asks, kissing my forehead lightly.

“Yeah, ok. Deal.”

He switches off the bedside light and settles in more comfortably around me. He continues his soothing motions and hums lightly to me until my puffy eyelids feel heavy again. Still a little unsettled, I drift back into a thankfully dreamless sleep.

\------

I wake to the sound of running water. I groan and roll over in bed, hand reaching for Arlo, but his side of the bed is empty. I drag my eyelids open and blink a few times, trying to force myself awake. I sit up and look around blearily. It’s 8am and Arlo is in the shower. 

I bring my knees to my chest under the covers and hug them, processing all the events from the last 24 hours. My brain feels a little warped. I felt the whole range of human emotions yesterday and last night. I don’t quite feel like myself. 

I toss the covers back and trudge to the bathroom. Arlo never locks the door when he showers so I let myself in. A quick glance in the mirror shows me quite the mess. My hair looks like I went through a wind tunnel and my eyes are still puffy and sore from sleep and tears, mascara smudged all over. Pulling my hair back I can see the many hickeys Arlo was kind enough to leave me last night. I chuckle to myself. I don’t mind those, really. I might make a point to wear my hair up today.

Arlo hears me chuckle and pokes his head around the shower curtain. “Morning, Love! I didn’t wake you, did I?”

“No, you’re fine. I could really use a good rinse though” I sigh, grimacing at myself in the mirror then back at him, gesturing to my reflection in disgust.

“I think you look lovely.” He smiles and winks at me as I roll my eyes. Only he could love the hot mess that is me right now. “Hop on in, I’m just about done.”

I step into the shower and huddle under the water with him as he rinses out his shampoo. I feel a little less tense as the water streams down my back. A good shower has always helped me reset. I reach for my own bottle of shampoo and start to suds up when he puts a hand on my shoulder and turns me to get a better look at my neck.

“Yikes, I really did a number on you Hana… I’m sorry, I guess I got a little carried away” he frowns, softly brushing the hickeys trailing down my throat with his fingers.

“If I’d wanted you to stop I’d have told you to, sweetie. You know that” I reassure, reaching up to lightly stroke his beard.

“Well… if you say so. I might ask you to keep those covered today though or I’m going to be getting some… uncomfortable questions” he laughs nervously. 

I giggle. “Whatever you say, Captain.” 

He turns me back around and starts helping massage the shampoo into my scalp. It feels heavenly. We don’t usually share the shower since he prefers cooler water and I like closer to scalding temperatures. But this morning I don’t find myself caring that much. My mind flashes to my nightmare and the burning sensation of the blood on my skin and I shudder. Arlo notices, now scrubbing my back for me.

“Hey, you ok? You still seem a little rattled from last night. You want me to stay home today? It’s Saturday, Sam and Remi can probably handle patrol…”

“No, no I’m fine, Arlo, promise. I do feel a little out of it this morning, but I did have a hell of a day yesterday. I just need some time to process everything and relax a little. Maybe I’ll do some gardening today.”

“That would be good. I think Mr. Fuzz would appreciate some fresh lettuce. He’s been eyeing the planters a lot lately” he chuckles.

Mr. Fuzz, my fat llama, is notoriously picky about his food. He’s only been getting apples for the last two weeks and he’s starting to get a little fed up with me. Lettuce is his favorite and I’d totally run out. I’ve had to have him tied up in the stable to keep him from eating my new plants before they were ready.

I scoff. “Mr. Fuzz will just have to learn to be grateful for what he gets! I have half a mind to sell him sometimes… greedy thing.”

“Oh, don’t act like you’d ever actually do that. You love that ridiculous llama” he laughs.

“Hmph.”

He turns me around again to face him with an amused look on his face. “I guess I should be grateful you don’t threaten to sell me when I irritate you.”

I grin cheekily up at him under the water. “Maybe I should! You’d probably fetch a much higher price than a cranky old llama.” I tease, making a point to scan his naked body up and down, running my fingers down his abs and raising my eyebrows. And it’s true, really. There are more people in Portia than I’m comfortable with who would kill to see my husband like this, dripping wet and naked.

He blushes a little and I catch his eyes flicker down my body as well. He shakes his head to clear his thoughts and pulls the curtain back to step out of the shower. “You’re something else, Love” he chuckles. “I’ll get some breakfast going while you finish up, yeah?”

I nod, and he pecks me on the lips, stepping out of the tub. He quickly towels off and heads to the bedroom, leaving me in the shower to finish. I speed through the rest of my routine since he did half the work for me and dry myself off.

I quickly dress and head into the kitchen where Arlo stands next to the stove cooking bacon and eggs. Suddenly he hisses in pain and smacks a spot on his chest a few times. He never wears a shirt when he cooks breakfast and gets oil splatter burns almost every time he makes bacon. “So I don’t burn holes in my jacket”, he says. 

He has countless other shirts, but I’ve stopped lecturing him about it, resorting to shaking my head in confusion behind him instead. For a man whose motto is “Safety first!” you’d think protecting your skin from hot oil would be common sense. Again, I shiver as I recall my skin blistering in the heat of the sea of viscous liquid.

I distract myself by setting the table and he brings the food over. We eat in comfortable silence for a few minutes as I plan out my day. 

“Where are you patrolling today, then? Anywhere special?” I ask, munching a piece of toast.

“Nah. We have to do a round up at the Eufaula Tunnel, but just standard patrol aside from that. Sam’s not looking forward to it. She hates all that sand” he smirks.

I giggle, picturing Sam shaking sand out of her boots and swearing loudly about it to anyone within earshot. She really does hate the desert. 

Sam and I have grown pretty close since I began my relationship with Arlo. A few weeks after we started dating she told me in no uncertain terms she’d punch my lights out if I did anything to hurt him. Arlo had really told her off after that, but I respected her tenacity and loyalty to her friend. To me, that spoke more about his leadership than anything I’d seen him do in the field at that point, and I’d seen him do some crazy shit.

“Say, speaking of Sam, you joining the three of us at The Round Table tonight? You haven’t come with the last few weeks and they’re really on my case about it. I’m starting to think they only invite me so I’ll bring you along” he says, mock pouting at me.

I grin sheepishly at him. “Yeah, sorry about that… it was the whole baby thing. I’ve been so nervous about it, and I didn’t want to get drunk and let something slip out around them. I know I said I was too busy to go, but I was just being a coward, really. I’ll definitely be there tonight though, I miss them too.”

He laughs, leaning back in his chair and accidentally bumping the table with his knees. “They’re not mad, Love. You don’t have to explain yourself.” He gets up and takes our dishes to the sink. “Usual time, I think. Probably around 8pm or so. Meet you there?”

“For sure.” I stand and follow him to the bedroom, leaning against the wall while he pulls on a shirt and searches around for his previously discarded jacket, belts and boots. He does up the last straps and moves in to hug me, wrapping me tightly in his arms.

“You try to relax today. Don’t do anything that might stress you out. Come find me if you need anything alright?” He leans back and smiles warmly at me, blue eyes soothing and soft.

“You’re too good to me, Arlo. Thanks for taking such good care of me last night. I promise I’ll take it easy today.” I lean up and softly kiss him, trying to transfer all the love and appreciation I can into the small gesture. I release him and smile up at him, heart overflowing with fondness. “Have a good day today, ok? Stay safe.”

He walks over to the front door, patting his pockets to make sure he hasn’t forgotten anything. “Will do, Love. Same goes for you” he smiles. I give him a small wave and he leaves, shutting the door quietly behind him.

\------

I can feel the beginnings of summer heat on my back as I work in my planter boxes. It’s going to be a hot one if today is any indicator, and it’s only the last week of spring. Sweat drips down my nose as I finish weeding the last box after hours of toiling away.

Standing and wiping the dirt off my hands, I grab a large armful of fresh lettuce and walk over to toss it into the stable’s feeder. Mr. Fuzz, who’d been watching me the whole time, about goes crazy and starts inhaling it as soon I throw it in. “You’re welcome” I mutter, giving the chunky llama some side-eye as I walk away.

I toss my tools in their respective bins and walk into the house. After splashing some cool water on my face and making sure I’m relatively dirt free, I plop onto the couch with a large glass of water and gulp it down. I glance at the owl clock on the wall. It’s about 7:30, I’ll need to make my way over to the restaurant soon if I don’t want to be late.

After a minute I drag my butt off the couch, change clothes quick and throw my hair into a loose braid over one shoulder. I make sure Pinky’s food bowl is full so she doesn’t attack me for dinner when we get home, and I stroll out the door. 

The sun is half set and the sky is a lovely mix of muted oranges, pinks and purples. Late spring really is my favorite time of year. Not cold anymore, but not scorching hot either. Unbidden, the memories of the heat of my nightmare spring up again and I clench my teeth to stop from shuddering. I’ve never had a dream stick with me like this one has. The dread that washes over me every time I think of it is seriously unsettling. 

I arrive at the front of The Round Table and try to think happy thoughts before I go in. Arlo will notice right away if I’m feeling uneasy. Still thinking of the dream, I remember the overwhelming happiness I felt when I watched the two sets of blue orbs playing together. That will have to do for now. I forbid my brain to play the part that happened afterwards and push the door open. 

Arlo, Sam and Remi are at our usual table in the corner, drinks already in hand. Sam sees me and jumps out of her seat to hug me as I approach. 

“HANA! I feel like I haven’t seen you in YEARS!” she says, hugging me tightly. I laugh as Arlo rolls his eyes at her behind us.

“It’s only been a few weeks, Sam. So dramatic” he shakes his head in amusement.

She lets me go to turn and glare at him and I suppress a giggle. She grabs my hand and pulls me into the seat next to hers.

“Don’t act like you wouldn’t be this excited to see her if YOU hadn’t seen her in weeks!” she huffs at him. He shakes his head again, chuckling and turning to look at me. But as he does his smile freezes in place and his eyes go wide.

“What?” I ask, tilting my head in confusion.

“Uh… nothing!” he says nervously. “You, uh… just look a little cold is all. Want my bandana?” he offers quickly, hands already moving up to untie it.

“That’s ok, I’m not cold…” I say, perplexed, but he shoves the bandana into my hands anyway.

“I insist Hana, you look _freezing_.” He emphasizes the last word and raises his eyebrows at me meaningfully. He’s trying to tell me something, but I don’t get it. He usually just comes right out and says what he means.

At this point Remi and Sam are looking between us, trying to figure out what’s gotten into their leader. Suddenly Sam starts snickering behind her hand and raises her eyebrows at Arlo.

“I dunno boss, I think she looks kinda hot. And by the looks of it, you _heartily_ agree” she giggles. Arlo sighs, hanging his head as Remi laughs in the seat next to him, clapping him on the back.

“What is everyone’s deal?” I ask, a little frustrated. “Is there something on my face or what?”

“No, no, not on your face” says Sam, trying unsuccessfully to stifle more snickering. “There might be a little smidge of something on your neck though” she grins at me.

I can feel the blood leave my face and immediately rush back to it in a furious blush. Fuck. I’d forgotten all about the hickeys. No wonder Arlo was so insistent about the bandana. If only I’d left my stupid hair down…

I put my face in my hands and drop my head against the table. It’s not like they haven’t ever seen a hickey on me before, but these are particularly… aggressive looking. Sam gently pats the top of my head. 

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have laughed. Nothing to be embarrassed about. In fact, I wish I had some hickeys to show off” she groused. 

I raise my head off the table, snatch the bandana and quickly tie it around my neck before someone else sees. It won’t hide all of them, but it’s better than nothing. “Sorry Arlo…” I mumble, still blushing. “I was so busy working in the yard today I completely forgot they were there.”

He chuckles and shakes his head. “No worries, Hana. Like she said, nothing they haven’t seen before” he says, taking a sip of his scotch, blushing slightly.

Sam puts an elbow on the table and rests her chin in her hand, looking at me with a mischievous grin. “Still though, these look a little more… spirited than normal.” Arlo glares at her, but she ignores him. “What’s the special occasion? I know it’s not your anniversary, but Arlo was certainly on edge yesterday… must’ve been something good!” she smirks. I’m thankfully spared from answering that question when Django arrives at the table to take our orders. 

“Evening all!” he says jovially. “The regular for all of you I assume?” We all nod our heads. Django has our favorites memorized by now, we come here so often. He looks down and smiles at me. “Good to see you again Hana! Been a while, we missed your sunny smile in here! You need a drink still, what are you having tonight?”

I’m about to order my usual Amaretto Sour when I remember Arlo and I are now actively trying for kids. Despite the recentness of this, I figure it’s probably better to lay off the alcohol now just in case. May as well get used to it. 

“Um, just a water for me, thanks.” I say cheerily. If Django is surprised by this, he doesn’t say anything. He nods, marking it down and walking away to get started on our food. Sam is another story, however. When I look back at her I’m surprised her eyes haven’t fallen out of her head, they’re so huge. 

“What?? No Amaretto Sour? Are you sick or something?” she asks incredulously. Across the table from me Arlo has started to anxiously bounce his leg against mine underneath. Neither of us thought about this part of our regular get together.

“No, just… don’t feel like drinking tonight is all” I say, hoping I don’t sound as nervous as I feel. I’m really not ready to share our plans with them just yet, as much as they’re basically family. I’d rather wait until we have something happy to tell them. No use getting their hopes up.

Sam narrows her eyes suspiciously at me but doesn’t say anything else. Remington, who’s remained mostly quiet this whole time, steals a knowing sidelong glance at Arlo but doesn’t say anything either.

I change the subject by asking about the desert patrol from this afternoon and that sets Sam off on a tirade about sand and she appears to forget about my lack of booze. Arlo’s leg stops bouncing and I smile knowingly at him as he visibly relaxes.

The rest of the evening goes by quickly. The team is exhausted from their patrols today, so we elect not to stay out too late. We wave goodbye to Django, thanking him for the meal and step out into the night. The air has cooled, and the sky is clear, shining brightly with stars.

“I don’t know about you guys, but I’m so ready for bed” yawns Sam, slumping outside the entrance. “I hope tomorrow’s an easy day…”

Arlo scoffs. “Doubtful. We have to clear out a new ruin west of town, remember? Don’t forget your extra gloves this time” he reminds her, voice stern.

“Aww, but it’s Sunday! You’re such a buzzkill, boss. It’s probably crawling with those awful jumping fish, too. Fuck, I hate those things” she grumbles. Remington laughs next to her.

“Well, I’m headed out. Have a good evening guys!” Remi smiles and waves to us. 

“Bye Remi!” I call as he turns away.

“We should probably turn in too, yeah?” Arlo asks, looking down at me. I nod, linking my arm in his and turning to leave. 

“Later, Sam! Good luck with the fish tomorrow!” I joke. 

She scowls but gives me a quick one-armed hug goodbye. “You’d better be at next Saturday’s dinner too ok? It’s not the same without you, you know.” she pouts. 

“I will, I promise” I chuckle, holding out my pinky to her. She brightens, knowing I never go back on a pinky swear. She links hers with mine and beams at me. 

“Good! I’ll see you around then. Night guys!” She turns and walks towards home with a wave.

Arlo laughs quietly next me as we start walking towards the plaza gate. “She’s been really put out the last few weeks. Wouldn’t stop moping about not seeing you. Hopefully she’ll be a little more focused now” he says.

I laugh too, imagining Sam cutting down robots and monsters with a pouty look on her face. “Sorry about that. Though, as soon as she figures out we’re trying for kids she might lose focus entirely. She’ll probably pester us until the baby’s born!” I joke. 

He shudders next to me and I laugh again. “We got pretty lucky at dinner. Quick thinking getting her to talk about how much she hated patrol today. I didn’t even think about the no alcohol thing” he says.

“Yeah, I might have to come up with some excuses for the next few weeks until they either figure it out or we’re ready to tell them, whenever that happens. Though, I honestly think Remi might already know. He’s tactful enough not to say anything, but he had that look on his face, you know?” I muse.

Arlo chuckles nervously and scratches the back of his neck. “I, uh… maybe might’ve mentioned wanting kids with you at some point to him. Not recently, mind, but I know it came up in conversation once on patrol with him.”

“Oh, well no big deal. He’s not the type to gossip. As much as I love Sam, the few people I know she’d tell are NOT quiet about relationship news in this town” I laugh darkly.

We arrive at the gate to the house and pause, looking up at the sky. It really is a beautiful night. I glance at Arlo and watch as his eyes flit from one star to the next, shining bright blue in the moonlight. A familiar warmth washes over me and I smile to myself. Gripping his arm tighter, I lean my head against his shoulder. 

He looks down into my eyes and I grin up at him. “Beautiful sky tonight huh?” I ask. 

He hums in agreement, warm eyes locked on mine. “Definitely. But not as beautiful as you.” He leans down and kisses me tenderly, and I can feel his adoration for me in it as he smiles against my lips. “Let’s get to bed, yeah? It’s been a long day for both of us” he yawns as he pulls away.

I nod, and we walk through the gates together. My heart feels light after spending time with my dear friends. I hadn’t realized how much I missed them in my self-imposed isolation. Yesterday’s nightmare is the furthest thing from my mind as we finally snuggle into bed together and drift off to sleep.


	5. Bluebirds and Catastrophe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo, here we go! Shit's gonna get real now! Seriously though, I do want to say thank you so much to everyone who's given kudos and commented on this story so far. It's really boosted my confidence to know people are enjoying it and I appreciate all of you! <3 Please enjoy the next chapter!

Summer is here, and several weeks have passed since Arlo and I decided to try having kids. I keep telling Arlo it’s just a waiting game now, but he’s relentless, insisting on keeping up the effort until we know I’m pregnant. I know he’s just really into all the sex, but I humor him because… well, I am too.

I’m relaxing on the couch with some tea and a book when he comes home for the night, well after 11pm. His feet are dragging, and he’s got huge dark circles under his eyes. He must’ve had a ruin to clear today or something. But his face lights up as soon as he sees me. 

“Hey sweetie, rough day?” I ask, moving to get off the couch to hug him, but he waves his hands for me to stay put.

“Not rough, just… very long” he sighs, kicking off his boots by the door. I hold out my hand, beckoning him over. He trudges over to me and collapses, laying his head in my lap, feet propped up on the other side of the couch.

I run my fingers through his hair, gently scratching his scalp the way he likes. He sighs heavily, and I can feel his body relax against mine. His breathing deepens, and I think he’s fallen asleep when he jolts slightly.

“Shit, I almost forgot! Before I pass out, I got you something today, Love.” He sits up with a groan and starts digging in his many pockets.

“Uh… am I forgetting an anniversary or something?” I ask, putting my book down. 

“No, no, nothing like that” he chuckles. “You know how I’ve been doing some work with the ladies at the Research Center lately? They helped me out with a little side project. Have you ever heard of a Bluebird Coin?”

I stop and think for a second, tilting my head. “No, I don’t think so. Is it a regional thing?”

“I’m not sure honestly” he says, still rummaging around. “But I’ve been finding pieces of them in the ruins for years now and never knew what they were. I finally got Petra to help me out in her spare time and we got them figured out. At least, we know what they do, anyway… here we are!”

He finally pulls out a large gold coin about the size of a cracker and hands it to me. I hold it up to the light and see an intricate bluebird imprinted on both sides with an arboreal pattern surrounding it.

“Wow, it’s beautiful Arlo! I’ve never seen anything like this before. You figured out what it was used for?”

“Well, I helped, but it was mostly Petra. Took a lot of research to even find a reference of it from before the Age of Darkness. Basically, when a couple got married they were given a Bluebird Coin by friends or family to be used in a wishing well or fountain of some sort. They were primarily used as a sort of ceremonial pregnancy test. We couldn’t find all the information, but apparently when the coin is thrown into water it tells the users if they’re expecting or not. The descriptions were all quite vague.”

“Oh, I never would’ve guessed that’s what this was for. I assumed it was currency.” I’m a little surprised but pleased that Arlo was spending his free time on something pregnancy related other than the baby making part.

“So did I, which is why I never bothered with them before. I brought in a whole sack of the pieces I’d found to get them out of the office when Petra took interest in them. There’s a bunch more assembled ones in the Research Center. I thought it might be fun for us to try later, see if it actually works.” He gives me a tired smile. 

“That’s very sweet of you Arlo. Thank you.” I give him a peck on the cheek. “I was planning on just getting a test from Dr. Xu, but that sounds pretty boring compared to this” I laugh. “I wonder how the heck it works?” I contemplate, turning the coin in my fingers.

“We couldn’t figure that out, unfortunately. We only know how to assemble the pieces. But supposedly it’s fairly simple to use” he shrugs, taking the coin from me to demonstrate. “I guess all we have to do is make sure both of us have tapped the bluebird on each side of the coin at least once before we throw it into a fountain or whatever” he says, tapping the little birds on either side with his fingers. 

“Huh. How odd” I say, thoroughly confused. “I’d have though it would require blood or DNA or something to work.”

“Thankfully no” he smiles, handing the coin back to me.

“What happens after that?” I ask excitedly. “How does the coin show you if you’re expecting?”

“All of the written experiences from couples that tried them were completely different than the others. All unique. So, I guess it depends on the people using them. Like I said, the descriptions were all pretty vague” he answers, leaning back against the couch cushions.

“Huh. I guess it’ll be a surprise then, if it works! They sure had some crazy tech all that time ago, didn’t they? You know I found a relic in the ruins once that Petra told me was part of a singing plastic fish? I can’t imagine what anyone would want something like that for. What a waste of parts!” I huff.

Arlo chuckles at my indignance, shaking his head. “It was a different world, for sure.” His eyelids are looking heavier by the second and I remember how tired he was when he walked in.

“Do you want some tea or something before bed?” I ask, stroking his cheek lightly. “You look exhausted.”

“Nah, that’s alright. I just need a shower and I’ll be turning in.” He heaves himself off the couch, stretching his arms out behind him before leaning down and kissing the top of my head. “Goodnight Love. Don’t stay up too late, yeah?”

“Yes, sir!” I giggle, and he smiles back, disappearing behind the corner. I look back down at the strange coin, turning it over in my hands. I ponder at the technology it would’ve required to create such a thing. Maybe I’ll ask Petra if I can see some of the pieces later.

“You might just change our lives forever, huh?” I murmur to the coin. Hard to believe that a little chunk of metal could reveal something so monumental. Though I suppose it’s no different than the little stick of plastic I would’ve gotten from Dr. Xu otherwise, I muse.

I sit and think about the many things I don’t understand about the old world for a bit before I haul myself off the couch as well, setting down my book and the coin on a nearby end table. I put my teacup in the sink and yawn my way into the bathroom to brush my teeth. It’s been a long day for me too, I realize. 

I make my way to the bedroom and see Arlo is already in bed, hair still damp and sticking to his forehead as he snores quietly. I tiptoe over to his side and gently run my fingers through his hair, unsticking it from his cool skin. I smile fondly at him, heart overflowing with love for him and everything he is. He works so hard. I selfishly hope he’ll back off on work a little once we have a baby. It would be nice to have him around more. I know it’s not likely, but a girl can dream.

I move silently to my side of the bed and crawl in, careful not to disturb him. I snuggle under the covers and lay on my side, propping my head on my elbow and gazing at his sleeping form. His face is so peaceful when he sleeps, all the seriousness melted away. And I realize just how young he really looks when he’s vulnerable like this. 

I don’t know what I’d do without this incredible human. My best friend. I’m so excited to see him become a father. He’s going to be so good at it, I just know it. 

Happy thoughts of family life filling my head, I ease onto my pillow and close my eyes, love and gratitude in my heart for the near perfect life I’ve somehow managed to achieve.

\------

I wake to the cheery sound of birds chirping outside the bedroom window, happy and light. I smile to myself and roll over to snuggle with Arlo. It must be about 7am because he’s just waking as well. I flop onto his chest and he laughs groggily, lazily throwing an arm around my back.

“Morning. You sleep well?” he yawns, scratching at the whiskers on his chin.

“Yeah…” I yawn back. “Really well, actually. I don’t think-“

I halt midsentence, unexpectedly feeling a slight shaking in the bed. Arlo notices too and sits up quickly, looking around the room. The rumbling abruptly gets more violent, followed by a loud, distant boom. The whole house shakes, dust floating down from the ceiling beams overhead. Earthquake.

I swiftly dive out of bed and hide under the desk in the corner of the room, arms over my head as instinct takes over. Arlo is still standing next to the bed, having gotten out but apparently not knowing what action to take next. Strange… it isn’t like him to panic.

“Arlo! Get your ass over here, what are you doing?!” I shout. This seems to snap him out of it and he runs over to the desk and scoots in next to me.

“What the fuck is happening? It feels like a cave in” he says, sounding incredibly disconcerted. I look at him incredulously. The hell is he talking about?

“A cave in? It’s an earthquake, Arlo. Haven’t you ever been in an earthquake?” I ask, puzzled as well. How could he be confusing an earthquake for a cave in?

“Earthquake? No, Portia’s never had an earthquake before to my knowledge. Is that what this is? It feels just like a cave in…” he says, the rumbling starting to die down now.

My eyes widen in surprise. No wonder. I had no clue Portia didn’t get earthquakes. Barnarock had them all the time. I was wondering why I hadn’t felt one the entire time I’d been here. I figured they just weren’t as frequent or something.

The rumbling finally stops, and we crawl out from under the desk, looking around for damage. A few glasses got knocked over in the kitchen cupboards and a vase fell off a shelf, but other than that we come out unscathed. Thankfully it only lasted 30 seconds or so or it could’ve been much worse. 

“Something’s not right” says Arlo, sitting at the kitchen table with his arms crossed, brow furrowed in thought. “Portia doesn’t get earthquakes. We’re not anywhere near a fault line…”

“Yeah, that does seem weird. But the earth is changing all the time, right? Although, that was a fairly large one…” I reply hesitantly as I right the glasses in the cupboard.

There’s a sudden loud banging on the front door, thoroughly startling me. Arlo stands from his chair as I walk over to answer it. I pull it open to find a panicked and tearful Emily, still in her pajamas and shaking like a leaf. She throws herself into my arms with a sob, clearly terrified of what just happened. 

“Hey, it’s ok Emily, it’s over now!” I soothe, patting her back lightly. “Are both you and Granny alright?” She nods her head, unable to talk due to the sobbing. I walk her over to an armchair and sit her down, grabbing a glass of water for her. Arlo disappears into the bedroom, a determined look on his face.

I sit on the arm of Emily’s chair and gently rub her shoulders while she calms down. My poor sweet friend is definitely not cut out for any sort of calamity, manmade or natural. She despises thunderstorms, so I can’t imagine how afraid she was when the shaking and rumbling started. 

Arlo emerges from the bedroom fully dressed and quickly pulls on his boots at the door. “I’d better get out there and check on everyone, make sure no one’s hurt. Can you meet me at Gale’s office around 10? I’m sure you’ll be needed for the rebuilding effort. This may have felt like an earthquake, but I have some serious doubts” he says grimly.

“I’ll be there” I nod. “Be safe.”

And with that he’s out the door, leaving me with a still shaking Emily. Pinky has crawled up into her lap and that seems to have helped her calm down a little. Strangely, Pinky doesn’t seem bothered at all by the shaking from earlier. She probably slept through it, knowing her. I’ll have to make sure to check on Mr. Fuzz soon, though. 

“You gonna be ok?” I ask gently a few minutes after the crying stops.

“Yeah… I’m sorry for barging in like that Hana, I just… that was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced. I thought the house was going to come down on us!” she shivers, leaning her head against my arm.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. I’d never turn you away” I grin at her. She gives me a weak smile back. “Besides, Arlo told me Portia doesn’t get earthquakes, so I don’t blame you for being scared, and that was a loud one. He was little shaken up by it too, if it makes you feel any better.”

She smiles a little stronger this time. “Thanks, Hana. I appreciate it. And I’m glad you guys are ok. I hope the rest of town is doing alright.” 

She gently nudges Pinky off her lap and gets to her feet. “I’d better go check on the animals and get them penned up indoors. They probably aren’t going to like all the smoke when it blows in.”

I start to nod before I fully comprehend what she said. “Wait… smoke? What are you talking about?” Earthquakes don’t produce smoke unless a building catches fire. Dust maybe, but never smoke.

“You didn’t see the smoke?” she asks, surprise and concern in her voice. I shake my head and she pulls me out the front door, pointing south towards the Eufaula Desert. 

There in the far distance, definitely far past Ingall’s Mine but still very visible, is an enormous cloud of billowing smoke. It’s dusky orange at the bottom from what’s no doubt a huge fire beneath it. Arlo was right. Definitely not an earthquake. But what could cause an explosion so big that it shook the whole town from that far away?

I turn to Emily, seeing renewed fear in her eyes. “It… wasn’t that big when I ran over here…” she whispers, her voice shaking.

“You’d better get those animals inside, Emily. And see if you can’t find some ventilators for you and Granny too. We’re probably all going to need them” I say seriously, squeezing her hand. She nods and takes off running towards the farm house. 

I run over to Mr. Fuzz. I’ve got to get him inside too. He looks up at me from the ground, thankfully seeming no worse for wear. Definitely a little grumpier than usual, but I probably would be too. He can’t stay in the house, so I tug him over to the Factory. He’s not happy about it, but I manage to shove him inside after bribing him with more lettuce. He should be safe from the smoke in there, for the most part.

Realizing I’m still in my pajamas, I race back inside to change quick and strap my toolbelt to my waist. I don’t know what they might need me for in town. I really hope no one was injured…

I rush out the door, yelling at Pinky to stay in the house today. If I can find Scraps around too I should see if I can bribe him into the house until the smoke blows over. 

I slow to a jog as I reach Peach Plaza, unsure what I’m going to find. I get past the gates and don’t see anything so far, to my relief. A small crowd of people has gathered outside the Commerce Guild, probably waiting for Gale to make some kind of announcement. It’s not quite 10am yet so I head over to the crowd to make sure there’s no one in need of immediate help.

I see Alice on the outside of the circle, Jack huddled against her side and both of them shaking violently, still in their pajamas. I make my way over to her first. Alice was so genuinely welcoming when I first got here I couldn’t help but be her friend. I need to make sure she’s alright.

“Alice! Hey, are you guys ok?” I huff as I stop next to them, slightly winded from both running and anxiety.

“Oh, Hana! Thank goodness you’re here. Jack and I are ok, thankfully. It was a close call though…” Alice answers, eyes wide with fear she’s trying to keep out of her voice for Jack’s sake.

“Oh, Alice, what happened? Is there something I can fix?” I ask worriedly. I notice both she and Jack are pretty dusty, like they’ve been rolling around in her garden all morning.

“Yeah, actually. The awning over the Flower Shop fell down, so I’ll eventually need that fixed, but the house is of greater importance” she sighs heavily.

“Damn, what happened to the house?” If Alice’s house was destroyed I can assume several other buildings were as well. This could end up being one hell of a cleanup project.

“A couple ceiling beams collapsed in Jack’s room, right above his bed. There’s a hole in the roof, but it’s not as bad as it could’ve been” Alice shudders.

“Over his… over Jack’s BED?” I gasp. How on earth did he come out of that unscathed?

“Yeah…” she mutters, hugging Jack tighter to her. “Thankfully he had a nightmare last night and ended up in my bed with me. Otherwise…” she trails off, tears in her eyes. 

Poor Alice. As if she hasn’t lost enough already, the thought of losing her only family… it’s unbearable. I’m suddenly furious at whoever was responsible for that enormous explosion. Bastards.

“Don’t worry about a thing, Alice. I have to meet with the mayor shortly, but I’ll make sure the house is good as new when I’m done with it ok?” I promise, patting her shoulder.

“Thank you, Hana. You’re the best.” She gives me a watery smile as I turn and walk towards Gale’s office. I’ll have to check on everyone else later. I’m sure we’ll have to divvy up the town’s repairs. As much as I hate letting Higgins have good jobs, we’re going to need everyone we can get for this. Now’s not the time to be petty.

I walk into Gale’s office at 10am precisely and find Petra, Gust, Albert, Higgins, the whole Civil Corps, and Gale himself.

“Oh good, there you are!” sighs Gale, his voice tired despite the early hour. “We were just about to discuss the explosion. I’m sure you realized it wasn’t an earthquake after seeing the smoke?” 

“Yeah, definitely not an earthquake” I agree, shaking my head seriously. “What are we going to do? Have we gotten any communication from Sandrock?” 

“Yes, we have, almost right away this morning…” Gale responds, anticipating this question. “The explosion happened at the Sandrock entrance of the Eufaula Tunnel. It’s completely collapsed on their side. Witnesses report seeing a barrage of large missiles hitting the tunnel from high in the sky somewhere. The resulting explosion left an enormous crater and killed about 25 people with many more injured…”

“Oh… that’s horrific…” shudders Petra, her eyes large as saucers.

“Who the hell would want to attack the Eufaula Tunnel? We haven’t heard a single complaint about the trade route we’ve established with Sandrock” Sam hisses angrily through her teeth.

“I truly have no idea…” says Gale sadly. “Right now, we’re awaiting instructions for support. Mali of The Flying Pigs has us on standby. It’s likely that Sandrock is going to need help from our side of the tunnel to investigate and clear it. Unfortunately, Arlo is really the only person we have with the ability and expertise to go into an unknown situation like this. We’ll need you and Remington here to help our citizens, Sam. Even with the three of you we’ve been stretched thin lately. We can’t afford for all of you to leave.” He looks at the Corps members one by one.

Sam looks furious, her brow furrowed, and fists clenched tightly at her sides. Remington seems equally unhappy but maintains a pensive look about him. And then there’s Arlo, lips pressed into a thin line and a serious but professional expression on his face.

“While I agree we need people here to help Portia’s citizens, I really don’t feel comfortable sending Arlo without any support” Remi says calmly.

“I agree!” Sam and I say in unison.

“Oh, he wouldn’t be alone. Remember I said Mali has us on standby? The Flying Pigs would be sending in a group that Arlo would meet with before they enter the tunnel from our side. They’re taking this quite seriously” Gale reassures.

That makes me feel a little better, actually. The Flying Pigs are the best there are. If Arlo has a group of them watching his back there should be no problem, right?

Sam doesn’t seem convinced though. “Why can’t they just send more Flying Pigs to deal with it? Why do they need Arlo for this when he could be helping us here?” she asks angrily. Arlo gives her stern look but doesn’t say anything. 

“They’re stretched a little thin right now too. Their tentative plan includes sending in a larger team to the Sandrock side of the tunnel as well. They have a potential war threat to assess. They don’t know who has access to that kind of large-scale weaponry and they’re fairly worried about that. They’re asking for help from Sandrock’s Civil Corps as well. Plus, they said someone familiar with this region would make the job much easier in terms of navigation for our side” Gale replies calmly, trying to stifle her anger.

“But- “

“Sam. Enough” Arlo orders, his voice calm and stern, the epitome of authority. Sam purses her lips and crosses her arms, effectively silenced. 

“Gale, do you have a list of people that need help with repairs?” I ask, changing the subject. “I don’t know how bad the damage is right now, but I’m sure it’s going to require a team of us to get everything fixed up. We have a lot of older buildings in town and we’ll need to check the structural integrity of all of them.”

“Ah, no, not yet. You’re right. I saw a crowd has gathered outside. I’ll have Antoine record all the repairs people need after I have a quick chat with them. Then you, Higgins, Gust and Albert can decide the best way to deal with the work load” he answers, the four of us nodding our heads. 

“What is it you needed me for, Mayor?” asks Petra, eager to help.

“Ventilators” answers Arlo. “That smoke is going to move in fast and we have no idea what kind of chemicals might be in it. We need everyone covered, especially the children and the elderly.” 

“I’m on it! Merlin and I will distribute them as fast as we can. Thankfully we have a storage case full of them” she says. 

“Excellent! With that, I think I can dismiss you all. Dr. Xu and Arlo already confirmed there were no injuries, thank goodness. For now, we start rebuilding and keep everyone calm while we figure this out. I’ll deliver the repair list to Gust once I have it and the four of you can meet on that whenever you have time today” Gale nods to himself, planning as he goes.

“Thanks Gale” several of us say, and we all turn to leave. Arlo and I are just about to the door when Gale calls us back. He waits for the rest of the group to leave before addressing me.

“Say uh, I know I probably should’ve cleared this plan with you first Hana, but I was hoping you’d be ok with this. Mali wouldn’t take no for an answer when she asked for Arlo to be available for this mission should they need him” Gale says nervously.

I look up at my husband and he’s already looking down at me, face impassive, awaiting my reaction. I know he would never turn something like this down, not in a million years. He goes where he’s needed. Plus, it’s an incredible opportunity to show The Flying Pigs what he can do. 

As much as I don’t want him to go, there’s no way I could ask him to stay just because the situation makes me uncomfortable. I’m not about to hold him back. I look back at Gale, trying to keep my face neutral and my voice calm. 

“He doesn’t need my permission Gale but thank you for the consideration. I’ll admit I’m not fond of him going into an unknown situation without his team, but The Flying Pigs are the best at what they do. As long as he’s with them they can watch each other’s backs. Plus, Arlo’s pretty good at what he does, you know” I grin, though not as confident internally as I’m making myself seem.

I see Arlo lips quirk in a small smile out of the corner of my eye as he turns back to Gale. “I assume you’ll notify me as soon as you hear word, then?” he asks, face serious again.

“Yes, I will. It would probably be wise to be ready at a moment’s notice. I don’t know how urgent this matter is for our side of the tunnel, but Mali sounded quite morose over the communicator. I don’t blame her, especially considering all the casualties” Gales sighs. 

“Yes, sir” Arlo nods and turns to leave. I quickly follow him out the door, unsure how I’m feeling about anything right now. I really hope Mali knows what she’s doing, for Arlo’s sake. And mine. All we can do now is help our neighbors rebuild and wait for the call.


	6. Repairs and Panic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note here, I know that in the game Arlo's horse is named Spacer. I had started writing this story before they added the horse's names, so she was always Annabelle to me. I left the other horse's names as is, but I prefer Annabelle to Spacer. Hope that doesn't bother anyone too much, haha. 
> 
> This chapter felt a little clunkier than the others, but I'm happy with it overall. As always, thanks for reading and reviewing!

I blink against the bright sun as we step into the plaza, moving aside for Gale as he follows us out to speak to the crowd. Arlo turns to me and starts to say something, but he’s interrupted by Sam, who’d apparently been waiting by the door for us. 

“Arlo! We need to talk about this” she says firmly with no small amount of anger. I’m not sure why she’s so worked up about this mission. I’m not excited about this situation either, but it’s not like her to fight against Arlo’s decisions so vehemently, let alone the Mayor’s. 

“There’s nothing more to discuss, Sam” he replies sternly, looking down at her with narrowed eyes and crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Yes there damn well is! I’m just as qualified to go on this mission as you, and you know it! WE ALL have plenty of experience in unknown situations, so that excuse was bullshit!” she nearly shouts at him.

Is that what this is about? Is Sam actually jealous that Arlo’s going instead of her? That’s not like her at all. I’m very confused, but I don’t dare say anything.

“There’s no good reason for you to go on this mission instead of one of us, Arlo! You’re being stubborn and selfish!” she growls. 

I notice her eyes flit to me briefly before glaring back into Arlo’s with fierce determination and… disappointment? Concern? Just what the hell is going on between them? And why is Sam acting like I’m not here?

“Fine” Arlo hisses through gritted teeth, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. “You want to talk we can talk, but not here.” He looks back at me and sighs. “Sorry Hana, I’ll come find you in a bit ok?”

I nod, and he follows Sam as she stomps over to the park for their upcoming argument. I really need to talk to him too, but I guess I’ll have to wait my turn. I sigh and walk over to where Gale is addressing the crowd. 

“…that’s all we know so far. I’m sorry we don’t have more information yet, but we’ll be sure to let you know when we do. We don’t anticipate any further disruptions at this time. Now, for those of you that have had damage done to your homes and businesses, please meet with Antoine and brief him on the repairs you need. He’ll pass the list on to A&G and our team of builders and we’ll get started on repairs as soon as we can” Gale finishes.

The crowd murmurs and nods their understanding, all looking rather solemn and still fairly shaken up. Just then Petra reappears with Merlin, pulling an overstuffed storage case in a small wagon. That was fast.

“Ah, ladies! Perfect timing! Folks, the ladies at the Research Center have been kind enough to supply us all with breathing ventilators. Please form an orderly line to pick them up. We don’t want anyone suffering any lung damage from the incoming smoke. Please let anyone you might see know that we have them available!” Gale says, pointing to the wagon. 

People line up to the wagon pretty quickly, afterwards heading over to Antoine to list their repairs. I wait in line with the others, grabbing two ventilators for both myself and Arlo. I head over to Antoine, peeking over his shoulder at the growing list. 

“Hmm. Most of the older buildings are damaged in one way or another. Looks like all the more modern ones weren’t affected, thankfully” I say mostly to myself.

“You can thank A&G Construction for that” boasts Albert proudly, strolling up with Gust after getting their own ventilators. Gust rolls his eyes but says nothing. 

Mars is the last to add to the list and Antoine hands it off to Gust, rushing over so he can get his own ventilator and hunker down at home. Thankfully the apartment complex wasn’t affected. We have quite a few people living there.

Gust scans the sheet quickly, determining where we should start. “Nothing we can’t fix in a few days. The biggest project seems to be Alice’s roof” he says, scratching at his chin absentmindedly.

“I’ll take care of that one” I volunteer, raising my hand slightly. “I promised her I’d fix it.”

“Alright then. That one is probably going to take the longest, so Higgins, Albert and I will split up the rest” he replies, eyes still glued to the list. I nod, taking that as my dismissal and I immediately head over to Alice’s house to inspect the damage. 

I walk in the open front door to find Alice and Jack sweeping and dusting the main room of the house, which is also Alice’s bedroom. It’s a mess, a thick layer of dust covering every surface. Their home has always been pretty dingy, despite Alice’s attempts to brighten it up with flowers. The yellowed wallpaper is peeling off and the floor creaks something awful.

Alice brightens slightly when she sees me walk in. “Are you here to fix the roof already?” she asks in a slightly muffled voice, already wearing her ventilator. 

“Not just yet. I have to inspect the damage first, see what I’m dealing with here. Mind showing me?” I ask her politely. I’m not about to just barge in. Roof caved in or not, this is still their home. 

“Oh, of course. Just over here.”

She leads me over to the open doorway of Jack’s bedroom, which takes up the other half of the tiny home. Sure enough, four large ceiling beams are leaning crosswise on top of Jack’s bed, two of them directly on the pillow. He would’ve been crushed to death had he been in his own bed last night. 

I look back at her with wide eyes, but she isn’t looking at me, actively avoiding the sight in front of her by staring at the floor. She knows exactly how close her brother came to death this morning, and I’m sure Jack does too. He hasn’t said a word since I’ve seen them this morning. I should suggest that both of them go see Phyllis for some trauma therapy later.

“Wow, um… ok. So, the roof won’t be terrible, we’ll just replace the whole thing. I’ll have to put up all new beams in this room. The ones that fell and the ones still attached are rotting in quite a few places, and I don’t want to put a new roof on bad beams. Getting them up there might be a little tricky, but I’ve had tougher jobs before” I say confidently. 

“Ok… how long do you think it’ll take? Nora said we could stay with her until it’s fixed, but I don’t want to impose on her for too long” she says, pushing her glasses up her nose with a worried look on her face.

“Probably two or three days. It won’t be too bad. I just have to get the old beams out of here first and then I can replace them and the roof. At some point we can do the other side of the house too, but let’s take it one step at a time, hmm?” I reply, craning my neck up to further inspect the woodwork.

“Ok… how much is this going to cost exactly? Just an estimate would be fine” she asks softly, twisting a strand of hair in her fingers nervously.

“Oh, I would never dream of charging you for this Alice. It’s not like you knocked your own roof in. There’s a disaster relief fund I’m sure Gale will be more than happy to dip into to cover anything we might need” I say kindly, trying to ease her fears.

Alice’s eyes well with tears behind her glasses and she grabs me in a quick hug. “Are you sure, Hana? You have to make money somehow, don’t you?” she asks. 

“Don’t you worry about us. Arlo and I are just fine” I say, patting her back soothingly. 

She pulls away and smiles at me. “Thank you so much Hana. I really appreciate it. Both of us do. Oh, and please thank Arlo for us too. He was the first person to come check and make sure we were ok this morning. It’s nice to know that he’s watching out for us.”

“Think nothing of it. It’s our pleasure” I smile, waving my hand at her. “Now, I think I can start by hauling these beams away. You should stand aside, I don’t want one falling on you by mistake if I drop it.”

One by one I drag the four heavy beams out of Alice’s house, setting them down with a thump on the ground outside. I’ll have to get a cart to haul these away, but at least they aren’t in the house anymore. It’s no wonder they fell, as rotted and crumbling as they are. 

I brush shards of wood off my hands and jacket, breathing rather heavily for only having dragged a few beams. I must be a little out of shape from only taking small commissions lately. I make a mental note to go for a morning run with Arlo soon before I remember he’ll probably be leaving shortly… 

Just then I hear a distinct jingle of bells and clopping hooves. Arlo rides up next to me on Annabelle, who’s got a large cart hooked up behind her. I scan his face for any sign of something strange but find nothing unusual in his expression. I’m guessing there’s no updates to the mission yet then.

“Heard you might need a hand hauling something heavy” he says as he jumps down off Annabelle smoothly. “Sorry it took me a while to get here, I had to help Remi lock up the ruins until we have a chance to properly check them for structural issues.”

“No worries, you’re just in time. I don’t think Mr. Fuzz would’ve been up for a hauling job of this size” I smile up at him as he approaches. “I’ll get this side if you want to lift the other” I point to the opposite end of the beams.

In no time at all we have the crumbly old beams loaded onto Annabelle’s cart. They’re sticking out the back end, but we won’t have to haul them too far. I’m just going to take them back home and use them as firewood, since they aren’t good for anything else now.

Just as we situate the last beam in the cart, I start to feel a little lightheaded. I stumble a little and lean down with my hands on my knees, trying not to fall over. Why am I so dizzy all of the sudden?

Arlo is at my side immediately, wrapping an arm around my shoulders to support me. “Woah, you ok? What’s wrong?” he asks, slightly alarmed. It’s not like me to get winded this easily.

“I’m just a little dizzy, that’s all” I pant, waving him off. “I just realized I never ate breakfast this morning with all the commotion, so I’m not working at full capacity right now.”

Looking relieved that I’m only hungry, Arlo reaches into his waist pack and pulls out a handful of jerky. “Here, Love. I know it’s not much and jerky isn’t your favorite, but it’s better than nothing.” 

I gratefully take the jerky from him and stuff a few pieces into my mouth, pocketing the rest for later. “Fankth” I mumble with my mouth full.

He gives me an amused look and grabs my hand, leading me over to Annabelle. “Come on, let’s get these beams to the workshop, then we can take a quick break. We need to talk over some things I think. You can come back and help Alice afterwards. Deal?” he asks.

I hum in agreement as he lifts himself onto Annabelle’s back and holds out his hand to help me up. I usually ride behind him, but he has other plans today, lifting me up so that I’m in the saddle in front of him. His arms wrap around me for support in case I’m too unstable to hold on, I’m guessing. 

“I’m not on death’s door, you know. I’m just a little dizzy…” I grumble. Not that I really mind him having his arms around me.

“You know the rules, Love! Safety first!” he chirps merrily into my ear.

I chuckle despite myself and call back to the house for Alice. “We’re going to haul these away and take a little break, but I’ll be back soon to start work, ok?” I say as she pops her head around the doorframe. She nods and Arlo commands Annabelle towards home, slowly so that the beams don’t fall out of the back of the cart.

“So… are you and Sam ok, or…” I start after a moment of silence, unsure if they resolved their argument. 

Arlo heaves a sigh behind me, his breath brushing my hair. “Yeah. Yeah, we’re ok” he says quietly, but doesn’t offer more than that. A beat of silence makes it clear he’s not going to elaborate, so I try I again.

“I really don’t know what’s gotten into her today. She almost sounded jealous, which isn’t like her at all. What was that all about?” I ask a little more directly.

“Jealous? No. No, she’s not jealous. She’s… worried about me is all” he says guardedly. 

Now I’m slightly suspicious. “Worried? But she was arguing that all three of you were qualified to go. And she knows you’re plenty capable of handling some tough shit. Plus, she said you were being selfish, of all things. But then, she also made it sound like she thought the mission didn’t need any Corps members at all” I say, starting to feel a little flustered by Sam’s odd behavior. “I feel like you’re not telling me something, Arlo. Like I’m missing context for everything she was saying to you” I continue, turning my head to meet his eyes. 

He sighs again, looking away as we pass through the Peach Plaza gate. “I’ll explain in the house, ok?”

We pull the cart up next to the factory and let Annabelle graze for a bit while we head inside the house for a quick break. We sit at the kitchen table with some water as I wait patiently for Arlo to tell me what’s going on with Sam.

“So? What is it Arlo?” I ask anxiously, fingers drumming against my thigh under the table.

He sighs and stares into his water glass. “Well… like I said. Sam isn’t jealous. She’s worried for my safety due to the nature of the mission and thinks I’m selfish for taking it. She wants to go instead and was very angry with me for not allowing her to.”

“But, Mali asked specifically for you” I say, confused. “I know Sam heard Gale say that. And I still don’t understand why taking it makes you selfish. Just because you might get a leg up for joining The Flying Pigs later?”

“That’s part of it…” he hesitates. He rubs his face in his hands and looks up to meet my eyes. “She said it’s selfish of me to go because… well, because I have a family. She said it would make more sense for she or Remi to go, since they don’t have anyone waiting for them the way I do.”

“What?! How could she think that? That’s not-”

“I know, I told her she was wrong. I told her plenty of people would miss them if something were to happen to them, but she disagreed, said it wasn’t the same.” He pauses. 

“She knows, Hana… she figured out that we’ve been trying for kids a couple weeks ago. She thinks it’s selfish of me to leave you here alone after I committed to something like that, with the possibility that this mission is no more than suicide…” he trails off, his eyes locked on mine.

A spear of guilt stabs me. He seems so conflicted. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this way before. Like he’s at war with himself and uncomfortable with the things Sam confronted him with. He’s doubting himself and this mission, his usual confidence tossed out the window. And it’s certainly looking like I’m the cause.

But Sam wouldn’t be this worried for no reason, would she? She’s smarter than that. If Sam thinks this mission might be nothing but suicide… I don’t even want to think about it. I swallow and try to keep the growing panic out of my voice. 

“What did you say to her?” I ask quietly.

“I told her no matter what kind of mission it is, Mali made it clear she won’t accept anyone but me for it and there’s nothing anyone can do to change that. Sam was angry but knew she couldn’t get around that obstacle no matter what she said. She’s still mad, but she apologized for acting out and being disrespectful. I told her not to though…” he looks away again.

“Because you think she’s right?” I finish for him.

He looks back at me with worry in his eyes. “I… I don’t know, Hana. Am I being selfish for doing this? I could always refuse if I wanted to. A large part of me really wants to go on this mission, though. Those people need help, and it’s the perfect opportunity to show the guild what I’m made of. But at the same time, how I can just up and leave you here not knowing if I’ll come back? We know so little about this situation right now, and you didn’t even get a say in it, and-”

“Arlo” I say gently, grabbing his hand on top of the table to silence him. “Do you remember what you said to me when I asked you if you wanted to have kids or not?”

“Um… which part exactly?” he asks sheepishly.

I smirk. “The part where you said you didn’t want to hold back on having a family because of the ‘what-if’s’ of our jobs” I reply with a smile. “Do you still feel that way?”

“Of course I do Love, it’s just… this situation is so unpredictable. And… I don’t want to be cut down by some monster before I even have a chance to have a family with you” he says sadly. “Especially since we’ve just started really trying. You might be pregnant already, for all we know! I’ve never had to worry about this sort of thing before, not like this.” He puts his head in his free hand, frustrated. “The timing of this is just so awful, Hana.”

Ouch. The look on my face must betray my hurt feelings because his eyes widen immediately and he grips my hand harder, waving the other one frantically. “Shit, I didn’t mean it that way. I don’t want you feeling guilty about anything Hana, this is in no way your fault at all. I meant this whole mission thing is bad timing for our family plans, not the other way around.”

“Yeah, I understand” I say glumly, though still thinking that Sam wouldn’t have put up so much of a fuss about him going if it hadn’t been for me. My old insecurities nag at me, telling me I’m just a burden. That I’m holding him back from doing what he really wants. I try to push the intrusive thoughts away for now.

“I’m not thrilled about this situation either, Arlo, honestly” I sigh. “Obviously, I don’t want you to go risking your life out there. But it’s part of your job, I know that. People need your help. I’m not going to stand in the way of that. Besides, you’re so good at what you do, and you’ll be with an excellent team. I believe in you.”

He looks up and gives me a small smile. “I guess all we can do is hope that the mission isn’t as bad as it looks. I might not even need to go! These things tend to get blown out of proportion when-” 

He’s cut off by a sharp knock at the door. He gets up quickly and answers it to see Russo on the threshold, looking simultaneously professional but grim.

“Message from Gale, Arlo. The mission to the Eufaula Tunnel will proceed as planned. A team from The Flying Pigs will be arriving this evening by plane and you’ll leave on horseback for the tunnel at dawn. You’ll be debriefed by the rest of your team on the exact details of the mission when you meet them tonight. Understood?” Russo says, always quick and to the point. 

“Yes, sir. Thank you.” Arlo nods curtly. Russo nods back and turns towards the gate to leave.

Arlo closes the door quietly after him and just stands there for a second. I come up behind him and put my hand on his arm gently. “Arlo?”

He turns and gives me a grin that I can see is definitely forced. “Well, the adventure begins! I’d better make sure I have everything I need and get Annabelle packed up.” He starts walking towards the bedroom, but I hold tight to his arm.

“Hey. I know this whole thing isn’t ideal, but there’s nothing we can do about it now. I know you’re still conflicted about this, and I’m worried about it too…” I say, but he wraps me in a hug before I can finish.

“No use worrying, Love, just like you said. Nothing we can do about it now. What will be, will be, as they say.” He pulls away, and I can tell that his confidence has taken over as a defense mechanism. That scares me more than when he was showing how worried he was. “We’ll head out in the morning and be back by dinner, just you wait!” he says with a smile. 

I smile back, but only for his benefit. If I go along with his ruse, maybe he won’t worry about me as much and he can focus on the mission. “You’d better! We’ll be able to use that Bluebird Coin in about two days, you know.” 

“Two days?” his eyes widening in pure shock. “That soon?”

I smile, genuinely this time. “Yes, that soon sweetie. The timing of Petra finishing that coin was pretty perfect, actually.”

At this, he looks around the living room quickly, sharp eyes scanning every surface. He finds what he’s looking for and strides over to the end table next to the couch where I’d left my book and the coin from the night before. I watch as he snatches up the coin and stores it in a small zippered pocket on the inside of his jacket. 

He sees me raise my eyebrows in confusion and he looks at me seriously. “This is coming with me” he states, patting his chest. “There’s no way you’re going to use it while I’m gone!”

“You really think I’d be that tempted? Oh Arlo, don’t you trust me?” I ask coyly. I think he’s being a little ridiculous considering I can’t use the coin without him, but I humor him anyway.

He narrows his eyes and takes a few steps closer to me. “Trust you, yes. But I know how sneaky you are, Love. Do you recall that you planned a surprise birthday party for me last year in our own backyard and I didn’t have any clue at all? Not an inkling! I’m supposed to know about everything that happens in this town.”

I close the distance between us and wrap my arms around his neck, grinning wickedly up at him. “Why yes, I think I do remember something like that. And if I recall, I was rewarded rather well for it” I murmur, truly enjoying myself now.

At this he growls and leans down to capture my lips in a fierce kiss. It turns gentle rather quickly though, his hands running up my arms to cradle my face. I can feel fear and excitement fighting for dominance inside him, can taste the hesitance on his lips. He breaks the kiss too soon, leaning his forehead against mine, his eyes closed.

I’m about to say something when he leans back and releases me, a falsely chipper look on his face once again. “Well, we should get that cart unloaded so you can get back to work, yeah? I need to get Annabelle ready to go and prepare for the rest of the team’s arrival. I’ll ask Sam if she can lend you Teddy to haul the cart.”

“I… yeah, sounds good” I nod with a cheerless smile. 

“You’re not still dizzy, are you?” he asks.

“No, I’m fine” I say, turning away from him as I open the front door and step out. I look out towards the desert and notice that I can’t see as far as I could earlier. The smoke is already causing quite the haze over the desert. It’ll be hanging over the South Block soon enough. 

“Oh, I almost forgot, I got a ventilator for you. Figured you’d be too busy running around being a town hero to think of grabbing one” I smirk at him as I take it out of my pack and hand it over.

“Thanks, Love” he smiles, more sincerely this time.

We put the masks on and get to work taking the beams out of the cart. It takes much less time than loading them in and I’m thankfully not feeling lightheaded afterwards. I stroke Annabelle’s mane as Arlo unhooks her from the cart, getting ready to head up to headquarters to get supplies.

“Alright, I’m headed out” he says, lifting himself easily into the saddle. “I’ll see you tonight, Love. Don’t overdo it today. If you start feeling dizzy again go see Dr. Xu, yeah?”

“I know, I know. I’ll take lots of breaks, I promise” I say, trying hard not to roll my eyes at his overprotectiveness. 

“Good. Stay safe, Love. See you soon.” He turns Annabelle around and they trot out of the yard towards town.

“Same to you!” I call after him with a wave. I watch them from the yard until they disappear into Peach Plaza. 

Only then do I fall to my knees in the grass, arms hugging my sides tightly as I try to keep myself from crying. Shit. Fucking shit. All the panic I’d suppressed around Arlo is front and center now, threatening to drown me. My sharp breaths feel hot inside the ventilator.

I’m so afraid. What the fuck am I going to do if he dies? Suddenly the spear of guilt stabs me again. I’m being so fucking selfish. This was the choice we made. Together. I won’t hold him back because I’m afraid, I told myself I wouldn’t. He’s going to go on all kinds of dangerous missions when he gets into the guild. Is it going to feel like this every time? My chest feels like it’s in a vice and I can’t hold back the tears anymore.

I lean down, digging my fingers into the grass and try to breathe deeply. I’m starting to feel lightheaded again. I need to calm down. There’s no need to panic right now, it’s not going to help anything. I need to focus on helping Alice as much as I can today. I can worry a hole through my stomach later. 

I haul myself up and wipe the tears from my face with my sleeve. I brush the dirt off my knees, square my shoulders and march out of the yard towards town to find Sam and Teddy. I’m a lot of things, but I refuse to be the weak-willed housewife, helpless without her husband and a slave to her emotions. I have a job to do.


	7. Bittersweet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry it took me a bit to get this chapter up! Not only is it super long, but work and life got in my way while I was trying to write it. Thanks for your patience! Happy reading! Let me know how I did!

By sunset I’ve managed to tear down the rest of the old beams in Alice’s house on both sides. I figure if I’m going to redo the roof I may as well do all of it at once. It won’t take much more time. Plus, if there’s another explosion I don’t want the rest of the roof caving in. Sam and Teddy help me haul the rest of the beams to the workshop, and the old roof tiles to the salvage heap. 

We’re just finishing unhooking Teddy from the cart at home when I hear the distant sound of an engine. I look up and see a fast approaching plane from the west. That must be The Flying Pigs.

Sam follows my eyes and frowns at what she sees. Neither of us has said anything about she and Arlo’s argument from this morning, but I suddenly feel like she needs to know how wrong she was about not having anyone here that would miss her.

“Hey Sam?”

“Hmm?” she tears her eyes from the plane to look at me.

“I just wanted to say thank you for your concern about Arlo and… our family. I really do appreciate that you’re trying to look out for us, but I also want you to know just how wrong you are.”

It doesn’t seem like she was expecting me to say something like that based off the look on her face. “What do you mean, Hana?”

I walk over to her, put my hands firmly on her shoulders and stare directly into her eyes. “Listen to me, Sam. I don’t ever want you thinking that just because you don’t have blood relatives here that no one would miss you if you were gone. It would destroy me if something happened to you! And how do you think Arlo and Remi would feel? WE are your family, Sam. So don’t you go doing risky shit thinking the only person affected would be you. Understand?”

Sam is speechless, her eyes wide and glassy in the waning light. Suddenly, tears spring forth in her eyes and she hugs me tightly, face buried in my shoulder. 

“Hana… thank you. It means a lot to hear you say that. I haven’t ever said this, but you’re like the sister I never had. I promise to be more considerate of that from now on.” She leans back, wiping the tears from her eyes with a sniffle. It’s rare that she cries, but it’s never for long when she does.

“Also, I’m sorry for getting so upset with Arlo earlier. I know I shook him up a little bit, but I needed him to understand how worried I was for him. I’ve wanted to see him have the happiness he’s deserved for so long, and he finally found it with you. I didn’t want him to lose it so quickly when Remi or I could’ve gone on this stupid mission instead.”

I smile sadly at her. “It’s ok Sam. He told me you apologized. But… can I ask why you seem so convinced that this is a suicide mission?” I try to keep my voice from quaking.

She crosses her arms and looks down at her feet. “He told you that, huh? Honestly Hana, it’s just a gut feeling. None of us have ever seen or heard of a place being attacked the way the tunnel was since the Age of Darkness. The region leaders are obviously scared and throwing whatever they can at the situation. But even I know going in blind isn’t a good strategy, especially when you send your best soldiers right away. It seems more like a tactic to lure out whatever might be in there. And oftentimes in that particular strategy… the bait doesn’t last very long” she finishes darkly.

My hand flies to my mouth to stifle a gasp, eyes wide with fear. Is that what this is? A fucking bait mission? How could Mali do that? 

Sam seems to realize the gravity of what she said and quickly backtracks, waving her hands in front her. “Shit, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t think The Flying Pigs are dumb enough to sacrifice their own soldiers like that, so I’m probably wrong.” She pauses, rubbing at her temples wearily.

“Listen, we’re all freaked out about this whole thing, and no one really knows what’s going on right now. Try not to think about it too much, ok? Worrying about what might happen isn’t going to change anything” she sighs heavily.

“What will be, will be” I mutter. I look up at her sadly, not sure what else to say. She pulls me into another hug and rubs my back gently. 

“Listen, Hana. No matter what happens I’ll be here for you, ok? I promise.”

I nod over her shoulder, letting out a shaky sigh. I don’t think I have it in me to cry right now. I look up as the plane flies over the house loudly. 

“Hey, you’re not part of the Pig’s welcome wagon, are you Sam?”

“SHIT!” she yelps, quickly letting me go and pulling the last of the straps off of Teddy to release him from the cart. “Yeah, I’m definitely supposed to be there already. Fuck, Arlo’s gonna be pissed when I get there.” She jumps quickly on Teddy’s back. “I’ll come back to help you tomorrow ok?” she waves as she commands the horse to gallop. 

“Ok! Thanks for the help today, Sam!” I call after her as Teddy leaps over the fence. They quickly disappear into the dark just as the plane lands in the field to the east.

I decide I’d rather not stick around outside, so I head in to make myself some tea and wait for Arlo to get back. I walk around the corner of the house and find Scraps curled up next to the door. 

“Hey, buddy. I was looking for you today” I say to the little dog. He looks up, tail wagging at me. “Want to come inside? It’d be safer for you in there until the smoke blows over.” I walk towards him, but he gets up and moves away. He doesn’t fully trust me yet, it seems.

Thinking quickly, I dig around for the jerky in my pack from this afternoon and offer it to him. He perks up instantly and I give him a piece. He chomps it down excitedly, butt wiggling with happiness. I giggle and offer him another, closer to me this time. He takes that one too, so I keep it up, ripping off small pieces until we’re next to the door. I open it and toss a piece of jerky inside to see if he’ll go after it. Thankfully he does, and I shut the door behind us.

I lean down to pet him, and he doesn’t fuss, woofing happily at me. “Good boy” I smile at him. “Make yourself at home. Just try not to upset Pinky. She’s a little fussy.” I look over at the cat, sleeping soundly in her bed. Hopefully she won’t mind too much to find a dog in the house tomorrow morning.

I quickly make my tea and settle into my favorite armchair. A strange calm settles over me as I sit there, my mind going blissfully blank for the first time today. It’d be so easy to fall asleep right now. I refuse to sleep though, even as tired as I am. I’m going to wait as long as I have to for Arlo to get home. I’m not going to squander this short time before he has to leave.

\------

My eyelids are heavy with sleep and my tea is gone by the time Arlo walks in the door. It’s a very similar scene to last night, but the feeling is vastly different. It’s hard to believe last night was only 24 hours ago, as far away as it feels.

“Oh, Love, you didn’t have to wait up for me” he frowns, seeing me in the chair as he kicks off his boots.

“Yes I did” I reply evenly. As if I was going to just go to sleep without finding out what his new team had to say about the mission. Not a chance.

He sighs, expecting my response. “Hana… I can’t really tell you all that much about the mission. A lot of it is classified, and honestly… I don’t know if you want to know the details.” He takes off his gloves and rubs his eyes tiredly.

“Is it really that bad?” I ask worriedly. The false confidence he had from this afternoon has completely disappeared. My heart beats heavily in my chest as the panic starts to rise again. I’m wide awake now.

“It’s… it’s not good, no. There’s still a lot of unknowns” he says, running a hand through his hair and avoiding my eyes.

I stand from my chair and hold my hand out to him, beckoning him over to me as I did last night. He looks up at me and walks over almost hesitantly. I grab his hand and push him gently into the chair I was just in, arranging myself in his lap to face him. 

I settle in and reach up to brush some hair out of his eyes so he has no excuse not to look at me. “Tell me what you can, Arlo. Please. I want to know.” And I do. I’m not going to feel better with less information.

He frowns deeper, creases forming on his forehead. He sighs deeply and takes my hands in his. 

“Early scouting reports on the Sandrock side revealed the missiles seem to have come from space. Leftovers from the Age of Darkness, most likely. It appears there were probably more drilling AI’s inside those missiles, like the one’s we’ve fought before. There were no AI’s on the surface, but there were holes drilled into the walls of the tunnel.”

He pauses, waiting for me to react, but I make a point not to, holding my breath until he’s finished telling me everything.

“My team’s mission is to enter the Eufaula Tunnel from our side and scout the area further. We’ll send out a report with our findings and take out any AI we encounter. Then we come home.”

That surprises me. It doesn’t sound quite as bad as I was expecting. In fact, it sounds almost… tame. Something even I could do. He’s either holding back a lot of details or there’s something else going on. 

“How long will you be gone?” I ask quietly.

“We’re scheduled to return to Portia after 3 days. Our team will be relieved after that and another larger team will replace us to finish the job, assuming there’s no complications.” He stares quietly at me, searching my eyes with his own.

“I… I’ll be honest Arlo, it sounds like a pretty standard mission to me. You really can’t tell me anything else?” I ask.

“I could, but I don’t want to worry you unnecessarily, Love. I can tell you that there are four members from The Flying Pigs going with me, and they appear to be excellent at what they do. They’re taking this very seriously. You’ll see them when we head off tomorrow.”

I frown at him, a little put out by the lack of information, but at least I have a timeline. He looks at me thoughtfully, bringing a hand up to push my hair behind my ear. It seems like he’s trying to memorize my face, remember every detail. But he quickly looks away and pulls his hand back like he’s been burned.

“We should get some sleep, Hana. It’s late” he says quietly, almost robotic in tone. I purse my lips, but don’t protest. I get off his lap and move to the bathroom to get ready for bed, Arlo following close behind me. 

Soon enough we’re under the covers together, but it feels like there’s a mile-high wall between us. We don’t touch, sticking strictly to our sides of the bed. I’m itching to hold onto him, to lay my head on his chest, but I can’t shake the feeling that he doesn’t want me to. Like he’s distancing himself from me. Whatever he’s had to keep secret from me must be worse than I can imagine.

“Goodnight, Arlo…” I whisper, staring at the ceiling. “I love you.”

“Goodnight Hana. See you in the morning” he says dully, rolling onto his side away from me. 

Silent tears trickle down my cheeks as I roll away from him as well. My heart aches at the detachment he’s decided he needs right now. I can’t remember the last time I felt so miserable.

\------

Fire fills my vision, dazzling and bright, but I somehow don’t feel threatened by it. Its threads dance as if blown by a gentle breeze. The flames are all-encompassing, below my feet and in the sky as well.

A pair of large blue orbs glow slightly above my head. They gleam like sunshine, giving off even more warmth. I reach out to touch them, but I’m not quite tall enough. 

Where am I? Glancing around, the pleasantly warm, welcoming fire is all there is as far as the eye can see…

Wait.

I’ve been here before. Haven’t I? I reach out to touch the flames and find them to be warm, but not burning, just like I knew they would be. Why do I know this place?

I look up to see that a smaller pair of glowing blue orbs have joined the first pair, bouncing happily around in the air. 

No. No no no, I remember now. I remember what happens next.

Maybe if I just keep my eyes on the orbs nothing bad will happen. If the water never comes there won’t be any blood, right? As long as I don’t touch anything everything will be fine.

I stare at the orbs dancing merrily in the air. I stay firmly rooted in one spot, determined not to move. Slowly though, I relax, letting the overwhelming joy and happiness the orbs omit fill me completely and put me at ease.

I reach up to try to touch the orbs again, but they dance slightly out of my reach. That’s alright. I’m content to just watch them. 

I’m not sure how much time passes, but the fire still ripples in the breeze around me. Nothing bad has happened yet. Maybe it’s ok if move a little. I take a tentative step closer to the orbs, wanting so badly to feel their happy glow on my skin. 

Nothing happens. So far so good. I take another step forward and immediately feel my boot sink ankle deep into a puddle.

No. No, no not again. I freeze and look around me. Oddly, there’s still fire in the sky, but water below, still as can be except for the ripples my feet are making. I check the orbs, afraid that the large pair has started bleeding again, but they seem fine. They continue to bounce around with the smaller orbs, content and glowing happily.

I smile to myself. Maybe everything will be ok. I’m probably just overreacting. But just then I feel an overwhelming thirst. It’s like I’ve swallowed a fistful of sand. My throat is so dry that if I try to talk, dust may come out instead of air. I start to choke a little.

But no. I know what this is about. I refuse to touch the water. I can’t. I won’t. I’ll die of thirst before I set this dream on the track I know it will follow. I bring my hands to my throat and start to cough, desperate for relief.

The orbs seem to take notice of this. The smaller pair moves closer to me as if to inspect me. The closer they get the better I start to feel, the itch in my throat easing slightly. What are these magical things? Will I actually get to touch them this time?

I reach my fingers towards them, hoping against hope that I’ll finally know just what these orbs really are. But before I can reach them I hear the familiar zing of sharp metal through air and a loud clatter of steel on rock.

I tear my eyes away from the small orbs and peer around them, gasping in terror at what I see. The large pair of blue orbs appear to have been sliced clean through and have started to drip blood on the floor. A crude looking steel blade lies on the rocky surface below.

“NO!” I shout, trying to move to the orbs to help them, but my feet are stuck to the floor, the water having disappeared completely. “No, please! Not again!”

The wounded orbs start sinking to the ground, their brilliant blue glow quickly turning a horrible crimson red. The smaller orbs move back to them, flitting around quickly as if unsure what to do. 

“Wait… please, no…” I cry, sinking to my knees and reaching out as far as I can. But I still can’t reach them. The familiar feeling of hopelessness fills me as I realize there’s nothing I can do for the orbs, once again.

The now bright red, bleeding orbs finally reach the floor. Their light starts to flicker out and dims completely. They turn pitch black and cease their movement, just as they did the last time. 

The smaller pair of orbs continues to circle around the larger pair, lost and unknowing. Suddenly they come to halt and start moving back towards me. Maybe I can keep them safe this time.

They stop again just a few inches from my outreached fingers. Before I can react, their light goes out too. The small happy orbs turn black abruptly and drop to the rocky floor, shattering into a million pieces just out of my reach. 

Shocked, I cry in earnest, cursing myself, fists pounding the ground beneath me. If only I hadn’t moved. This is all my fault. I could’ve watched them be happy forever if only I’d stayed still. I’m so useless…

I stay there, bawling on my hands and knees, waiting for my turn. Because that’s what’s next. The orbs die. And then I die. And I welcome it this time. Let me die. What am I good for anyway? I couldn’t help them, I couldn’t protect them…

I hear the slow scraping of metal across stone and look through my tears to see the blade from earlier dragging across the floor towards me. It must be coming to end this misery. And I’m strangely not afraid at all. This is what was meant to happen. There’s nothing but despair and loneliness here without the orbs to light things up, to make this place joyful.

The scraping stops, and the blade is now hovering over my back, directly over my heart. I turn my head away. I’d rather not watch.

I stare at the ground, waiting for the blade to fall, tears splashing onto the earth below me. But nothing happens.

“DO IT ALREADY! PLEASE! END THIS! PLEASE… please… I can’t…” I scream and sob at the ground, begging the blade to end my pathetic existence.

I gasp in pain as the blade finally falls, piercing me through and pinning me to the floor like an insect on display. Finally, it’s over. My vision fades quickly, and I’m welcomed by blissful darkness…

...

But then I hear a click. Dim light shines, glowing red behind my closed eyelids. Shouldn’t I be dead? I feel weight shift around me and become aware of my own body again. I’m laying down, comfortable and warm.

Oh. I’m in bed. I’m awake. I was having the nightmare about the blue orbs. At least I didn’t scream this time, but I must’ve woken Arlo up again.

I groggily open my eyes. I’d rolled back over to face his side of the bed in my sleep, hand reaching towards him. The clock on the wall reads 2:13am. Arlo is sitting up, legs over the side of the bed, hunched over with his head in his hands.

I raise myself onto my elbows and lean over to lightly touch his back. “Arlo? Are you ok, sweetie? I didn’t wake you up again, did I?”

He looks over his shoulder at me, almost dazed. His eyes look bloodshot and there’s dark bags beneath them. “Wake me? No. I haven’t been able to sleep” he croaks.

“You haven’t slept at all?” I ask, frowning. He shakes his head and looks away, staring down at his hands.

I crawl out from under the covers and shuffle over to him, joining him on the side of the bed. I tentatively put my arm around his shoulder, wanting to comfort him but remembering the wall that blocked us from each other earlier. To my relief, he leans his head down onto my shoulder and sighs shakily.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask, leaning my cheek against his head.

“I do. But I can’t” he murmurs, voice straining with an emotion I can’t place. My heart aches for him, and I’m feeling utterly useless once again. There must be something I can do.

I rub his shoulder for a minute before I get off the bed, standing in front of him and holding out my hand. He looks up at me, tired and puzzled.

“Take a walk with me?” I ask.

He pauses for a second, but nods, standing and taking my hand. We slip on some shoes and walk quietly out the front door.

Warm, summer night air greets us, not a breeze to be had. Strangely, the smoke from earlier still hasn’t moved past the South Block. At least we won’t need our ventilators tonight. 

I lead the way, not sure where we’re walking to, but feeling like it doesn’t really matter. We stroll slowly in comfortable silence, hand in hand. About ten minutes of walking leads us to the Amber Island Bridge.

I take us to the middle of the bridge and stop, leaning against the railing facing the ocean. The moon is huge tonight, lighting up everything in a peaceful blue glow. Arlo leans with me, looking out at the ocean for a few minutes.

“The view here is so beautiful at night” I say, breaking the silence. “I used to come here a lot, before we were dating.”

“Yeah, you sure did” he hums, turning to look at me. 

“Huh?” I look at him, surprised. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you that before.”

“No, you haven’t” he pauses, looking back towards the ocean. 

“I… when I finally figured out exactly what it was I was feeling for you, I switched with Remi for midnight patrols” he continues. “I thought maybe seeing you around less during the day would take my mind off you. I was still convinced I shouldn’t be with anyone back then. You could say my plan backfired rather spectacularly” he chuckles. 

He turns to look at me again, blue eyes locked on mine, a little life back in them now. “I started seeing you even more, right here on this bridge nearly every night for weeks. Amber Island was neglected for quite a while because I was too nervous to walk past you to patrol it” he says, grinning sheepishly. 

I laugh, not quite sure what to do with the information that Arlo was so nervous to talk to me that he neglected his job. I smile warmly at him once I’ve calmed down. “Sorry, but that’s pretty funny.”

“Well I tried to work up the courage to talk to you, but after several weeks what was I going to say to you? ‘Hey gorgeous, I’ve been doing night patrol for a while now, but I’ve been too chicken to say anything to you so I’ve been watching you from behind a bush instead.’” he laughs.

“Yeah” I snicker, “probably not the best ice breaker.” 

“Can I ask why you used to come here so often? I know the view is pretty, but I’ve seen better” he says, reaching up and twisting a lock of my hair in his fingers.

I smile at him. “This bridge holds a special place for me, as silly as that might sound. It’s a reminder of the first time I ever met you. My first real commission in Portia. A reminder that you were willing to give me a chance to prove myself. It felt incredible to have someone rely on me, even if you didn’t really know me then. You were just doing your job, but it meant so much more to me than that.” 

I take his hand in mine, squeezing tightly. “You know, I thought you were the most handsome man I’d ever seen when you busted in that door to the Guild. I fell in love with you so fast, Arlo. I used to come here and fantasize about being with you.”

“Yeah? Have I lived up to your wildest dreams?” he smirks at me.

I smirk back, leaning in closer to his face. “All of them and more, Arlo.” I kiss his lips softly, loving this little moment with him, wishing it would last forever.

He grabs my shoulders and pulls me into his chest, kissing me deeply and passionately. Wall broken down, he finally lets go and lets me in, all pretense from the day completely dissolved.

Rejoicing internally that he’s stopped pushing me away, my yearning for him is sudden and strong. He groans lowly into my lips when I snake my hands up his t-shirt, raking my fingers along his taught stomach. I break the kiss, an idea striking me.

He looks confused, but I put a finger to his lips before he can ask any questions. “Actually, there is ONE wild dream you haven’t fulfilled yet” I tease. Lust clouds his eyes as he catches on to my tone.

“Name it, Hana. Name it and it’s yours” he says huskily, his cheeks flushed. 

Instead of telling him, I take his hand and lead him over to Amber Island, just on the other side of the bridge. I walk down onto the sand next to the river and slip off my shoes. I turn to look at him and quickly pull my pajama shirt over my head. The warm air feels wonderful against my bare skin.

The sight of me topless gets just the reaction I was hoping for, and he quickly follows suit, ripping his own shirt off quickly. He pulls me to him again and kisses me fiercely, sucking at my lips as he starts to push my shorts off my hips. They slide off quickly and I pull his shorts off too. They drop to his feet, snagging slightly on his swiftly growing cock on the way down.

He reaches down, grabbing the backs of my thighs and lifting so I can wrap my legs around him. His body is so warm against mine, and I relish the way his muscles move against my skin. 

He kicks off his shoes and wades into the water up to his knees. He breaks the kiss for a second, staring into my eyes in amusement. 

“I can’t believe you fantasized about fucking me under a bridge. If I’d have known that, I’d have talked to you that first night I saw you on patrol” he smirks. 

“Slight correction” I smirk back. “I fantasized about YOU fucking ME under a bridge. Think you can handle that?” I purr.

I feel the head of his cock swell and twitch against my stomach. “You just know all the right things to say, don’t you?” he breathes, walking us further into the water. “Your wish is my command.”

With that, he grins evilly and dunks us completely under the water without warning. Thankfully the water is warm, but it’s not as warm as the night air. I shiver slightly as he resurfaces, my legs still wrapped tightly around him.

“Was that really necessary?” I splutter at him, wiping my hair out of my eyes.

“Better to get that part over with” he laughs, shaking his own hair out of his face. 

He swims easily under the cover of the bridge, the water only up to his chest. He pushes me up against one of the wooden supports and captures my lips again, sucking my tongue into his mouth and entangling it with is his own. I dig my fingers into his wet hair, kissing him back fiercely. 

He moves his mouth down to my breasts, squeezing them firmly in his hands, tongue flicking over my nipples lightly. I gasp, pulling on his hair and wrapping my legs tighter around him. I rock my hips against him, using his hard length to get myself off. He leans up to kiss me again, his hands gliding all over my body under the water, clutching at whatever he can reach. 

“I want you. Now” he growls into my lips, his hands reaching up to clasp my face. “May I?”

“Please” I breathe back.

He reaches a hand under the water and positions himself at my entrance, plunging into me deeply. I inhale sharply in pleasure, my eyes clenching shut at the feeling of him. But he isn’t interested in going slow right now, thrusting in and out of me wildly, his forehead pressing down into my shoulder. 

“Hey, slow down, Captain” I pant. “There’s no need to rush.”

Instead of slowing down, he completely stops inside me for minute. Breathing heavily, he lifts his head to look at me. He stares into my eyes and I can see the anxiety there, the fear that’s overwhelming him even now.

I lift my hands to his face and hold him, gazing right back. “It’s ok” I whisper. His eyebrows pinch together, and I can tell he doesn’t believe me.

“All that matters right now is us” I soothe, caressing his cheeks with my thumbs. “Make love to me, Arlo. All I want is you.”

The water ripples around us as he starts to move inside me again, slow and sensual. I revel in every leisurely pump, every breath he takes as he gazes into my eyes. I touch the tip of my nose to his, lips just far enough away to taunt a kiss. He closes the distance and presses his lips to mine, full of passion and longing.

His hands explore my body again, taking in every inch of me as we moan lowly into each other’s lips. His hand finds the back of my head, fingers twisting into my hair, and he starts kissing me harder. His other arm wraps securely around my back as he holds me close.

I break the kiss to watch him, staring into his eyes as he loves me in my favorite way. I find myself taking in every detail of him like this. The way his chest heaves up and down when he breathes, the way the muscles ripple in his shoulders when he holds me. The tiny freckles scattered across his nose, the way his hair falls over his face when it’s wet.

And they way he’s looking at me… with so much love and lust and sadness. Like he’s trying to memorize every detail of me too. This is starting to feel like a goodbye, and I don’t like it.

“Arlo” I whisper, still holding his face in my hands. “I love you so much.”

He hangs his head, eyes scrunched closed and teeth bared in a grimace of pain. He doesn’t stop pumping, his arms tensing around me as he clings to me tighter in the warm water.

“Arlo, look at me. Please” I breathe, pulling his face back up. Tears mingle with the drops of water on his face, pure anguish in his handsome features. 

“Hana… tell me not to go” he pleads as I wipe away his tears. “Ask me to stay.”

I can feel my heart breaking and my own eyes well up. He said he’d be able to refuse the mission if he wanted to earlier, but clearly that’s not the case anymore. What did they tell him in that team meeting that made things so much worse?

“Arlo…”

“Please, Hana…” he begs desperately, his voice breaking. Seeing him like this is unbearable. I’d do anything for him. I know he has to leave. I know asking won’t make him stay. But if he really wants me to say it…

“Please don’t go…” I whisper to him, hot tears trailing down my own cheeks now.

He exhales shakily and rewards me with a deep thrust, burying himself to the hilt, making me gasp and arch my back into him.

“Again… say it again” he breathes, leaning into my neck and kissing it gently.

“Stay with me, Arlo… please don’t leave” I gasp as he pushes into me again, caught between pleasure and grief. 

“Fuck…” he mutters, hot breath against my skin. “Fuck, I wish I could… I don’t want to leave, Hana. I really don’t…” My head rests on his shoulder as he holds me close, thrusting deeply and steadily into me.

“Please… please stay” I whisper, my voice shaking badly. He doesn’t have to ask me now. Everything I wanted to say earlier but didn’t think I should is bubbling to the surface.

“Stay with me… I want to be with you like this forever. Don’t go… stay with me. Stay with me…” I cry softly into his shoulder, torn in two directions. 

My left hand finds his right and we lace our fingers together, holding on tightly as we approach our ends. My wedding ring presses hard against his fingers and another stab of sorrow pierces through me.

Minutes pass of slow pumping, caressing, and trying to hold ourselves together. My mind races with a million horrible mission scenarios. My recurring dream tries fighting for my attention as well, still fresh in my brain. I dig my fingers into him firmly, trying to will the thoughts away and surrender completely to his body against mine instead.

“Are you close…” he breathes in my ear. I nod into his shoulder, holding onto him like my life depends on it.

As I feel the familiar sensation of my muscles tightening up before my release I have a brief thought to try to fight it. I don’t want this to end. But Arlo is strong and sturdy and so warm around me, I can’t help but be caught up in this moment and run away with it, other thoughts finally quiet.

Almost gently, my body lets go, pulsing and fluttering softly around him as I whimper into his ear. I don’t see stars like I often do. It’s not an explosion this time. It’s more like slow, subdued bubbling under the surface. But it’s still wonderful because it’s him, and every time we connect this way makes me feel lucky to even be near him.

He groans quietly, pumping erratically a few times as he finds his own end, fingers digging into my skin. He stills, both of us catching our breath as we hold each other in the water. I lean myself back against the wooden support again and search his eyes. All I can see there now is despair.

“Why… why would you ask me to say that… knowing you can’t stay?” I ask weakly. I feel like he made this a lot harder than it needed to be, and I need to know why.

“I… just wanted you to be selfish for once, Hana” he whispers wistfully, tenderly pushing my wet hair out of my face. “You’re too accommodating sometimes. You’re always putting me and my job first. I was almost worried you wouldn’t care if I left with how calm you’ve been” he says, caressing my cheek with his fingers.

“I’m happy when you’re happy, Arlo” I say with a shrug. “Your job makes you happy, so the job comes first a lot of the time. I don’t mind.” That’s not completely true, I do mind sometimes. But I wouldn’t have married him if I hadn’t been willing to support him, and that’s more important.

He grabs my shoulders firmly, his eyes suddenly filled with passionate frustration. “YOU make me happy Hana. Screw my job! I’d sit at a damn desk filing papers all day for the rest of my life if it meant I could be with you.”

“Do you… really mean that?” I whisper, eyes wide with shock at this proclamation. Sitting inside all day pushing paper would make him completely miserable. It’s the opposite of The Flying Pigs, really. I would never want that for him, but to hear him say that for my sake…

“Of course I do, Love” he says, his face expressing so many emotions I can’t track them all. “You really underestimate how important you are to me.”

“I’m sorry…” I mumble, looking down at his chest. “I’m still new at this. I’ve never really been terribly important to anyone before.”

He pulls me close again, nuzzling his nose into my hair. “You are everything to me, Love. I’ll tell you that every day for the rest of our lives if I have to.”

I cling to him in the water, wishing desperately that time would just stop and let us have this. But both of us know our time is about up here, under this bridge in the dark. Minutes of silent embracing tick by before I force myself to speak, knowing if I don’t we’ll never leave.

“We should probably get some sleep, huh?” I whisper sadly.

“Yeah… that would probably be best” he sighs.

We swim our way back over to the sandy riverbank and climb out. Still soaking wet, we pull our clothes back on and start making our way back across the bridge in silence, hand in hand. We get all the way to the front door of the house before he says anything.

“I… I’m sorry Hana” he stops, turning to look at me as I reach for the door knob. “This whole situation is really unfortunate, and you don’t deserve to be in the middle of this mess. I truly wish The Flying Pigs didn’t need me for this, but they do. And I no longer have a choice.”

I smile lightly up at him, swallowing my sadness, guilt and pain for the moment to comfort him. I hate that I’m making him feel this way. I maintain that none of this would be a problem if not for me.

“Don’t worry about me, sweetie” I say lowly, reaching up to stroke his beard. “You focus on the mission and getting back home safely, ok? That’s all I care about.”

He nods and gives me a half smile, which is more than I expected to get. We walk through the front door together and strip off our wet clothes on the way to the bathroom to towel off. Once we’re warm and dry we crawl back into bed and wrap around each other, skin to skin. This is far better than our first attempt at sleeping tonight. No walls to be found.

“Thanks for walking with me. I hope you feel at least a little better” I say, swirling light circles onto his chest with my fingertips, my head resting on his shoulder.

“I do, Hana. Thank you” he says, kissing the top of my head. “Getting laid underneath a bridge didn’t hurt either” he chuckles a little.

“Thanks for helping me out with that particular fantasy, even though it was a little more emotionally heavy than I anticipated” I smile. “I’d thought about asking you to do it before but the timing was never right.”

“We should do it again sometime. Don’t use Old Reliable too much thinking about me while I’m gone though. I have plans to wear you out as soon as I get back” he huffs, a little of his normal tone back in his voice.

“Oh, is that right?” I laugh.

“Definitely” he growls. 

I snicker, amused by his need to be the only form of pleasure I seek out. I’d confessed I owned a vibrator (of my own invention) early in our relationship before we were ever intimate and he saw it as a form of competition almost immediately. It was pretty funny, actually.

“I wouldn’t worry about it Arlo. I haven’t had Old Reliable for quite some time now” I confess.

I feel him shift quickly to stare down at me and I look up at him with a grin. “What do you mean? What happened to it?” he asks, confused. 

“I threw it out. I just like to hold the threat over your head sometimes. You’re so easy to tease” I giggle, lightly poking the tip of his nose. 

“I don’t understand. Why’d you get rid of it?” he asks, eyebrows quirked. “Not that I’m complaining, mind.”

I blush a little. “Well… to be totally honest with you… ugh, this is gonna sound so cheesy. Um. After the very first time we had sex… I tossed it. I knew I wasn’t going to need it anymore. There was something so right about being with you, like you were made just for me. I knew I wouldn’t need that old thing ever again. It couldn’t compare, not in the slightest.”

My cheeks are burning hot with embarrassment, but I feel his chest swell with pride beneath me and I giggle. He squeezes me tightly, giving me a peck on the lips.

“That might be the most flattering thing anyone has ever said to me” he beams. 

“Well it’s true. Don’t let it go to your head though” I grin.

We stare into each other’s eyes for a minute, almost forgetting where we are and only focusing on just existing at that moment. On being with each other.

“I love you Hana” he whispers.

“I love you too Arlo” I smile. 

I try my hardest not to think of anything but the way he feels against my skin while we drift off into an easy sleep, cuddled close together. The only way it should ever be.


	8. Departure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! Here's the next chapter! Hopefully after these next few weeks I'll be able to post a little more regularly. The work I do is insanity during May. Anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter! Let me know your thoughts! (:

Morning arrives too quickly. Arlo gently shakes me awake shortly before dawn. It’s far too early for emotional upheaval, but here we are.

“Come on, Love. I’ve got to get going soon” he says softly in my ear.

“Can’t we just pretend we went on vacation?” I mumble sleepily into my pillow.

He chuckles a little. “If that would work, I’d definitely try it.”

With a groan, I pull myself up to a sitting position, trying to force myself awake. I definitely didn’t get enough sleep. I look groggily over at Arlo who’s sitting on the bed, already fully dressed, a mostly neutral expression on his face. 

I’m not entirely sure what I should say to him. Yesterday was… a lot. Both good and bad. I feel like we left off in a good place, but I have a feeling he’s going to be a little detached again this morning.

“You sleep ok?” I ask.

“Yeah, pretty well” he smiles. “Could’ve used a few more hours, frankly, but there’s not much to be done about that now.”

Well he seems pretty normal. Maybe this morning won’t be as bad as I thought. I haul myself out of bed and trudge to the bathroom to get ready. I’m just going to see him off, so I’m not going to bother doing much except brushing my teeth and hair.

After I’ve thrown on some fresh clothes I look over at him, still sitting on the bed watching me. There’s so much I want to say, so much that needs to be said before he leaves but I don’t know how to start. So, I settle for what’s routine.

“You need something to eat before you go?” 

“No, Love. I’m not hungry” he shakes his head.

I walk over to him and he takes my left hand in both of his, bringing it to his lips and kissing it softly, right above my wedding ring. His own ring feel warms against my palm and I feel my throat close up a little. I will not cry this morning. I won’t. Not while he’s still here.

“We should probably say our real goodbye here. I’m going to have to be professional in front of the team” he looks up at me sadly.

I look down at him with a small smile, raising my free hand to brush his hair out of his eyes. He’ll need a haircut soon. “That’s fine. You don’t have to show me off every time we meet new people” I tease.

He chuckles lightly and stands from the bed, pulling me into a tight hug. “I’m gonna miss you, Hana. It’s been a while since I’ve been away for more than an evening. I’ll be thinking of you the whole time out there.”

“I’ll miss you too, but please promise you’ll focus on the mission. The best thing you can do for me is be your best out there. I’ll be waiting right here for you to get back” I reply into his chest.

His hands find my face, lifting my chin so my eyes can meet his. He gives me a gentle kiss on the forehead and then stares into my eyes with such devotion that I start tearing up a little. Dammit.

“You know what I admire about you, Hana? Even faced with potentially dire circumstances you manage to keep a positive face on. At least for others. That takes a lot of strength” he says, his voice extra soft and deep.

I scoff a little at that, looking down, embarrassed. “That’s not strength, Arlo… pretending that nothing is wrong, that everything will work out… that’s just childish avoidance behavior.”

“I don’t see it that way Love. Last night you and I both confronted the very real possibility that this mission is something I may not come back from. And here we are on the other side, thanks to you. That’s strength, even if you’re scared” he says firmly. 

“If you hadn’t pulled my ass out of that fog of self-pity last night, I probably would’ve left without saying goodbye this morning. I would’ve really hurt you. All because I was… rather, am scared of this mission” he pauses, stroking my cheek. 

“I know you were crying before you went to sleep last night, the first time. I felt like the shittiest husband, but I couldn’t bring myself to comfort you because I knew it would be harder for me to leave if I did. I was being a selfish asshole… I’m so sorry Hana. You really are my better half and I don’t deserve you” he finishes, his breath shaky with emotion.

He leans his forehead down to touch mine and closes his eyes. “I don’t want to miss a single second of this life I have with you. Thank you for helping me remember that before it was too late.”

Silent tears trail down my cheeks as we stand there in each other’s arms. “Arlo… you give me too much credit. I understand. I know why you were acting that way. I… I’m fully aware how dangerous this mission might be. And yeah. I’m terrified. But I have to believe you’ll come home. You keep talking like it’s a guarantee that you won’t, but I can’t think that way. I’d go insane.”

I lean back and take his face in my hands, brushing my thumbs over his warm, freckled cheeks. “I have faith in you. You’re an incredible fighter. And you have a great team to go with. I know I don’t have all the details, but… I have to trust that you’ll be able to overcome whatever challenge you might face.”

He’s silent for a few moments, staring back at me, breathing slow and steady. He leans forward and kisses me tenderly, love and understanding transferring like an electric current between our lips. 

“You’re my best friend, Hana. You know that, right? I love you more than anything else in this world. My life would be… nothing without you in it” he breathes, lips brushing over mine.

I smile, thinking the exact same thing about him. “I feel the same way, sweetheart. You come back to me, ok? Don’t keep me waiting too long.”

“I’ll do my best. I promise” he whispers, kissing me again. Our lips open simultaneously, tongues tangling together in passion and parting. The light in the room beings to brighten as we stand there, the sunrise quickly approaching. He breaks the kiss first, reluctantly.

“I have to go” he whispers, holding me tightly in his arms.

“I don’t want you to. But you’re right. If we don’t go now we never will” I reply, my voice shaking. 

We slowly part, walking to the door to put on shoes and boots. Arlo shoulders his supplies and we walk out the front door to finish loading up Annabelle. 

As soon as we step outside we’re greeted by the smoke, hanging in the air like fog. I’d almost forgotten about it. We slip our ventilators on and walk into the Factory where Arlo had housed Annabelle for the night. 

Mr. Fuzz glares at me when we enter and turns his shaggy head away, refusing to look at me again. “So dramatic” I sigh at him. “This is for your own good, you ungrateful bum.”

“There’s no point trying to reason with a llama, Hana” Arlo chuckles, tightening up the straps on Annabelle’s saddle. She whinnies in amusement.

“Doesn’t hurt to try…” I huff. 

Soon enough Arlo’s got everything ready to go. He hoists himself into the saddle and holds out a hand to help me up. I find myself in front of him once again, but I don’t mind. The more time I have with his arms around me the happier I’ll be.

We close the Factory door behind us and Annabelle trots off down towards the river, the same way we walked last night. 

“We’ll be meeting at the South Block end of the Portia Bridge. Not too far to walk back home afterwards” he says.

I let out an amused breath. “Since when have I ever been opposed to walking anywhere?”

“You’ve got me there” he laughs.

In no time at all, Annabelle trots us over the bridge and stops on the other side. So far only one other person is here. She’s a tiny but fierce-looking woman with cropped, bright blue hair. Her horse is pitch black with a small diamond on his forehead.

“Zarra” Arlo nods towards her. She nods back but says nothing. She looks tense.

Quickly realizing that I’ll have to introduce myself, I hop down off of Annabelle and walk over to the imposing woman, sticking my hand up towards her in greeting.

“Zarra? Hi, I’m Hana. Arlo’s wife. It’s nice to meet you.” 

She peers down at me and stares for a moment or two. I maintain eye contact and leave my hand where it is, waiting for her apparent judgement of my character. Finally, she gives me a tight smile and shakes my hand.

“Nice to meet you, Hana. Arlo didn’t mention he had a family” she says, her gruff voice slightly muffled through the ventilator. She looks over at him with a quirked eyebrow, looking entirely unimpressed. 

“I’m sure focusing on the debriefing was more important than discussing any personal matters last night” I smile tersely back at her. I’m not sure what she’s trying to imply here, but I’m not going to let her think anything unsavory about my husband when I need her to have his back out there.

At this she looks back down at me and grins widely, and it seems oddly natural on her sharp features. She considers me for a moment before speaking again. 

“I like you, Hana. You’ve seen your fair share of shit, haven’t you?” she laughs.

I smirk back at her. “You could say that, I guess” I shrug, looking over my shoulder at Arlo. He looks to be struggling to keep his face in its normally neutral state, actively suppressing a grin. Unfortunately for him, the ventilators are see-through.

“Frank, Leon and Marcel on their way?” he asks her, clearing his throat.

“They’d better be” she sneers grumpily, looking in the direction of the South Block Motel. “We need to get a move on here.”

Just then, a Dee Dee Transport rolls up noisily and Gale hops out. He hurries over and greets us with a smile on his face. How anyone can look so put together this early in the morning is beyond me.

“Good to see you this morning folks! Should be a nice day” he says cheerfully, clearly trying to inject some hope into this somber occasion. “Rest of the team about ready, Zarra?”

“If they’re not here in 2 minutes I’ll drag their sorry asses out here myself” she huffs, crossing her arms. Her horse snuffs in agreement.

I suddenly hear the loud sound of hooves on metal and look behind me to see Sam and Remington arrive. 

“Oh good” Sam sighs in relief as they come to a stop. “I thought we might be late.”

“No one would be surprised if you were, Sam” Arlo rolls his eyes at her, but smiles despite himself. Sam pretends to be offended. 

Remi rides up next to Arlo and slaps him on the back. “We’d have ridden after you if we’d missed you. Can’t send the Captain off without a proper goodbye, can we?” he smiles. He and Arlo exchange a solemn look of understanding between them. I’m not sure what that’s about, but it looks a little more serious than I’d like.

“I’m surprised you were able to roll out of bed at this hour, Hana” Sam teases, riding up closer to me. It’s well known that I’m not a morning person and she’s always on my case about it. 

“Oh hush, you. I’ll have you know I didn’t sleep through a single alarm this morning!”

“It doesn’t count if you never set one in the first place. Arlo had to wake you up, didn’t he?” she smirks at me.

I look away and cross my arms over my chest. “That’s none of your business.” She snickers at me behind her mask. 

My ears catch the sound of more horses, and I look to see three men riding towards us from the direction of the Motel. One of them appears to be in his 50’s at least, with close cut grey hair and a worn leather jacket underneath many straps and holsters. 

The other two, probably in their 30’s, are nearly identical. They must be twin brothers. One of them is blonde with a large neck tattoo that disappears beneath his jacket. The other has dark pink hair pulled into a low ponytail and a single pierced ear. I don’t think I’d be able to tell them apart otherwise.

“Fucking finally” grumbles Zarra as they stop in front of us. 

“Don’t you lecture me, we’re right on time” grunts the older man. 

“Early is on time and on time is late, Gramps” she scolds.

“You’re not the boss of me” he glares. She rolls her eyes at him.

“Well, now that everyone’s here, why don’t we review the plan, hmm?” Gale says, trying to take control before this gets out of hand. 

The twins must notice me standing next to Gale as he speaks though, because they immediately interrupt him.

“Hey, hey wait, now! Who’s the pretty little lady here?” The pink haired one asks, pointing to me. “We haven’t been properly introduced yet.”

“I don’t remember seein’ you at the meeting, Miss” says the one with the tattoo in what’s probably supposed to be a charming voice. “I think I’d have remembered someone as pretty as you. You comin’ with to keep us company and patch up our impendin’ war wounds?” he winks. 

Before I can respond with the venom I’d like to, Gale pipes up. “Oh, Marcel, this is Hana. She’s Portia’s best builder. She’s not going with, she’s just here to see everyone off” he says nervously, well aware of my temper.

“She also happens to be my wife, shitbag” snarls Arlo with a fierce glare. 

Marcel laughs it off, making me even angrier. “Sorry Chief. Didn’t know. Can’t blame a guy for tryin’!”

“Yeah, you’ve got excellent taste, man! I gotta find one like her someday. She’s gorgeous!” the pink haired one points at me again.

“I’m also a fucking human being that makes her own choices and has individual thoughts, but that wouldn’t really matter to worms like you, would it?” I snarl at him. He looks surprised by my anger.

“Don’t pay them any mind, Miss. Leon and Marcel have never known how to treat a lady” the older man says, riding his horse closer to me. He sticks his hand down for me to shake. “Name’s Frank. I’m head of this operation here. Nice to meet you. I’m sure you’ve already met Zarra, and those two fuckleheads are Leon and Marcel. Sorry about them.”

I shake his hand and smile up at him sweetly. “No worries, Frank. As long as they know how to do their fucking jobs I couldn’t give a shit about who they are.”

“Ouch. That’s cold” Leon winces. 

“No less than you deserve” Zarra smirks at him. I can see Arlo smiling proudly at me from behind her shoulder. Sam tries to stifle a laugh next to him but fails rather badly.

Gale coughs loudly, and I feel guilty for a second, having waylaid his mission review. Not quite guilty enough to squash the satisfaction of standing up for myself, though.

“Now then, if we could proceed? Frank, quick rundown of the mission, if you please” he says.

“Yes sir. Today we ride out across the Eufaula to the tunnel and scout the entrance. Once that’s been deemed all clear we head in until we get to ‘ground zero’. Tomorrow morning, we send off a report with our findings and start clearing out…” he pauses, glancing ever so slightly down towards me. “…uh. Clearing out whatever it is we find in there. We continue that project and give nightly radio check-ins until the morning of the 4th day. Then we come back, and the larger team switches out with us. I miss anything?”

“Nope, that sounds right to me! We’ll be awaiting your report in the morning. You best get going before the desert gets too hot” Gale says authoritatively.

“Right you are, Boss” says Arlo. 

“I don’t envy all the sand you’re going to have in your boots by tonight” chuckles Sam. Arlo smirks at her, pauses, then leans in slightly to whisper something to her. Her face goes serious and she nods solemnly at him as he turns away. I raise my eyebrows at Sam, but she won’t look at me.

“Alright troops, let’s head out. Arlo, you lead the way. This is your territory after all” Frank says.

Arlo nods and starts to move Annabelle to the front of the group. She stops abruptly when she gets to me though, looking at me expectantly. I smile and hug her neck, giving her a kiss on the cheek. “Watch out for him, ok?” I whisper to her. She snorts in response.

I look up at Arlo, who obviously heard what I’d said to Annabelle. His face is impassive, but I can see the hints of anxiety in his eyes still. In that moment I decide to say fuck it to being professional. I’ve already cursed like a sailor in front of these people, what do I have to lose?

Before Arlo can react, I pull my mask down, reach up, grab the collar of his jacket and yank him down towards me. I tug his mask down and kiss him full on the mouth, threading my fingers into his hair with my other hand. I try to transfer every feeling I have for him in it, just in case it’s the last kiss we ever share. 

The kiss lasts several moments before I finally pull away and gently put his mask back on his stunned face. 

“Damn…” says one of the twins behind me in awe as I readjust my own mask.

I turn towards the rest of the group, arms crossed over my chest, glaring as viciously as I can manage. “You watch his back or there will be fucking hell to pay. That’s a promise.”

“Yes ma’am” says Leon seriously. 

“Noted” Zarra smiles wryly at me. 

Marcel only smirks, but his expression is a tad more respectful than it was before. Better than nothing I guess.

“Don’t you worry about a thing, Miss. We know what we’re doing, even if not all of us look it” says Frank, glaring at the twins. “Plus, by the sounds of it, your man is pretty much on level with all of us anyway. We’ll need him as much as he needs us.”

“Good. I’m glad we have an understanding” I huff.

“Well, good luck to you all! We’ll be awaiting your report” says Gale, clearly eager to get the group on their way.

“Thanks, Boss” Arlo nods. He looks down at me and smiles, reaching out a hand to stroke my cheek tenderly. “Love you, Hana. See you soon.”

“Love you too. I’ll be waiting” I reply.

With that, he rides to the front of the group and they head out of the South Block in tight formation. It doesn’t take long before we can no longer see them through the smoke. I half expect him to look over his shoulder at me one last time, like in every romance novel I’ve ever read. But he doesn’t. And I’m glad for it, really. I want him focused, not pining after me. The sooner they do their jobs the sooner they come back.

“Gale?” I croak. My voice is wobbly all of the sudden.

“Yes, Hana?”

“I want to know as soon as that report comes in. And I want to be notified about every radio communication you get. I don’t need details. I just want to know if he’s still alive. Is that a reasonable request?” I ask solemnly.

“Of course, Hana. I understand” he answers, his voice earnest. “I’ll send Russo with any news I’m able to share as soon as I have it. I promise.”

He walks over to the Dee Dee Stop as the next vehicle approaches on its rounds. “For what it’s worth, I’m so sorry that Arlo was forced into this. I wish this tragedy had never happened.”

“It’s ok, Gale” I say as he starts to step up into the Dee Dee. “You’re only doing your job.”

He nods sadly, climbs into the seat, and the Dee Dee quickly disappears into the smoke as well. I turn around towards the bridge to walk back home and go back to bed. I don’t want to be awake right now. All my blustering bravado from earlier left with the Flying Pigs, and I’m exhausted.

“You want a ride back, Hana?” asks Remington.

“No. Thanks though. I think I’d like to walk for a while.”

“You sure?” Sam asks worriedly.

“Yeah. If you want to come around my place around noon I’ll be ready to keep working on Alice’s house. Does that work for you?” I ask without looking at her.

“Oh, uh… yeah. Sure. I’ll be there” she says, as though she’d not expected me to want to work today. It’s probably the only thing that’ll keep me sane while Arlo’s gone.

“Ok. I’ll see you later then. Bye, Remi” I wave, and head back across the bridge. I hear hooves behind me as they follow at a distance, heading back towards the Corps Building as I turn towards home. 

I let my mind wander as I walk, not really paying attention to where I’m going. I glance over at the Amber Island Bridge as I pass it. We were there only hours ago… loving each other and saying goodbye. My eyes fill with tears and I turn away, determined to get home before I have a breakdown. 

I finally walk through the front door and pause on the doormat, looking around the quiet house. Pinky is sound asleep, and so is Scraps, having taken up residence on one of our armchairs. I smile a little. At least I’m not completely alone.

I walk back into the bedroom and stare at our bed, facing the reality of sleeping in it alone for the next several nights. Or more. No. Only the next few. He’ll be back.

I kick off my shoes, rip off my ventilator, and climb into Arlo’s side of the bed, burying my face in his pillow. 

And then I let myself cry. I let myself feel afraid and sad and alone, and everything in between. I cry until there’s nothing left to feel. Only then do I let myself sleep, exhausted, but slightly comforted by the smell of Arlo lingering on his pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note here. I know there are many people that HATE random OC's being thrown into a story with established canon characters, but don't worry! There truly won't be much focus on these new guys if you're worried about that. This remains a Hana/Arlo-centric story. Promise! Also, a pronunciation guide for their names if you're unsure. (:
> 
> Marcel: Mar-sell  
> Leon: Lee-on  
> Zarra: Zah-ruh  
> Frank: ...Frank. Duh. ;)


	9. Coping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, my oh-so-patient readers! I'll admit this is probably not my strongest chapter, but hopefully you all enjoy it anyway. (: It's mostly because I have large chunks of future, more action-packed parts of the story done already and I'm getting impatient to get there. Hopefully the parts in between don't feel sloppy! Also I really hope I'm doing Sam justice here, I've always liked her character a lot. Let me know how I did!

A sharp knock on the door jolts me awake. Shit. What time is it? The clock on the wall tells me slightly past noon. It must be Sam.

I roll out of bed and stumble my way through the living room, nearly tripping on a rug. My eyes are still puffy from crying myself to sleep, but there’s no use trying to hide them. I swing the front door open just as Sam is about to knock again. 

“Oh, hey. You, uh… don’t exactly look ready to go” she eyes me carefully.

“Yeah, I… went back to sleep when I got back this morning. Come on in, I’ll get ready quick.”

“Are you sure you want to work today?” she asks warily, stepping inside. “No one would blame you for taking the day off.”

“Right, good joke. Alice’s roof isn’t going to fix itself” I sigh as I walk back to the bedroom to change. Sam follows, leaning against the doorway as I dig around my dresser for a clean work shirt.

“Hana, really. I know your work ethic is intense, but it wouldn’t kill you to take a break. Have you even let yourself feel anything about this yet? I know you keep that shit bottled up, and it’s not healthy.”

I pause my search and take a deep breath, looking over my shoulder at her. I force myself not to snap at her, she’s only trying to help. “Just because I don’t let it loose in front of you doesn’t mean I’m not feeling anything. I need to keep myself distracted while he’s gone, or it’ll eat me alive.”

Sam looks at me thoughtfully, like she’s weighing what to say next. “What, uh… what exactly did he tell you about the mission, Hana?”

“Not much, honestly” I grimace. “Basically, everything that Frank reviewed this morning. Arlo said most of it was classified and he didn’t want me worrying about it.”

“How very noble of him” Sam smirks.

“How much do you know, Sam?” I ask carefully, turning to face her fully.

“Everything, unfortunately.”

I pause, not sure if I want to ask my next question. I can’t unlearn whatever she tells me. “Be honest with me. What are the chances he comes back alive?”

A pained, pinched look crosses Sam’s face briefly before she irons it out in a weirdly practiced manner. “I’d say about 50/50.”

“So it’s closer to 25% then…” I mutter, knowing she’s padding the odds for my benefit. She starts to protest, but I interrupt her. “What did he say to you before they left this morning?” She looks away, avoiding my eyes.

“Sam, tell me. Please?”

She stays silent for a moment before she finally looks up at me again. “He reminded me about the agreement the three of us made last night. For after he left.”

“And? That was?” 

I can see how tense she is. She really doesn’t want to tell me. Arlo probably told her not to, but she relents.

“…to watch out for you. Keep you company. Help you… move on. If he doesn’t come back” she whispers, head bowed.

My heart clenches tightly in my chest. No wonder he was so messed up last night. He has no confidence in this mission at all, if he was ordering Sam and Remi to take care of me in his place. 

“It really is that bad then…” I whisper back, eyes filling with tears for the millionth time this week. 

“Yeah. It is” she nods solemnly.

I turn on the spot and pace nervously next to the bed. I’m starting to feel panicky again and my voice shakes, but I can’t keep my thoughts from spilling out. 

“I’d never seen Arlo as shaken as he was last night, Sam. Never. How did the Flying Pigs act so confident this morning? Frank said I shouldn’t worry about a thing, and those asshole twins… they were hitting on me! How… how could they-”

“It’s part of their training Hana.” Sam interrupts. “Not the horrible flirting, but the confidence. How do you think Arlo got so good at acting unbothered by literally every challenge he faces? You have to keep up appearances for civilians. Helps keep the peace in panic situations. Arlo’s passed that part of the Pig’s Entrance Exam with flying colors every time he’s ever taken it. If you weren’t his wife I doubt he would’ve crumbled like that in front of you.”

I sit down on the bed, fully processing this information. I have a sudden urge to rip my brain out of my head so I don’t have to think about it anymore. The implications of the training, the odds of survival… it’s all too much.

Sam walks over and slowly sinks onto the bed next to me, hands resting in her lap. “The only times I’ve ever seen Arlo’s confidence shaken was when he realized he was in love with you but didn’t know how you felt… and with this mission” she sighs heavily. “But we promised him. We promised we’d be there for you, Remi and I. I told both of you yesterday. I’ll be here. No matter what.”

I let the silence hang for a moment, touched by her commitment to us both. “No offense Sam… but I hope you don’t have to be” I sniffle.

She gives a dry laugh and wraps an arm around me, giving me a squeeze. “Me too, Hana.”

“We should probably get going” I sigh after a minute or two, preparing to lift myself off the bed.

Sam’s eyebrows furrow and she drops her arm from me. “Hana…”

“I’m serious Sam. I want to work. If I don’t I’ll just end up laying in bed all day crying, and that would be a huge waste of time. If I stay busy I won’t think too much.”

She eyes me seriously. “Well, ok… but if I see you struggling I’m gonna say so. I won’t hesitate to bring you home if I think I need to.”

“Fair enough” I nod. I get up, grab the first set of clean work clothes I see, and head to the bathroom to change. Just as I shut the door behind me a wave of dizziness hits me again, forcing me to clutch at the sink to keep from falling over. 

What the hell? I thought this was over yesterday. I’ve never had this kind of thing happen before. Maybe it’s the stress? 

The dizziness only lasts a few seconds, but I have to wonder if maybe I should see Dr. Xu after all. I stare myself down in the mirror over the sink.

No. I need to work and if he tells me I shouldn’t I’ll be stuck in this damn house for who knows how long with nothing to do but feel sorry for myself. I feel fine now. I’ll just have to make sure I pay attention to my body and slow down if I start feeling dizzy again. No problem.

I dress quickly, eager to get out of the house. I leave the bathroom, careful not to show any outward signs of what just happened, and nod to her. 

“Ready?”

“Sure. Teddy’s just outside. Let’s go.”

We slip our ventilators on and head out the door.

\------

The work day goes well. I don’t have any more dizzy spells and Sam and I manage to get all the new beams in place for Alice’s roof by sunset. I usually work alone, but having Sam there to help makes things go so much faster I’m actually considering hiring some kind of apprentice for future projects.

We’re sitting on Alice’s front step taking a water break when Alice herself stops by. 

She looks nervous, like she’s not sure she should be talking to us at all. “Hey guys! How are things going with the roof?”

“Great! We just finished up for the day. All the new beams are up and we’ll be able to start the actual roof tomorrow” I smile up at her. 

She looks shocked. “Wow, really? I guess everything they say about how fast you work is true then!” she laughs. “Thank you so much for doing this Hana, really. I’ll never be able to pay you back.”

I wave a hand at her. “I’m not doing it for payment, Alice. Really, don’t worry about it. I’m glad to do it. Keeps me busy.”

She gives me a sad smile. “Ah. Speaking of… how are you doing? I… heard he left this morning.”

I’m suddenly embarrassed to have even hinted that I might be struggling, but I’m guessing she’d already been thinking about it. I wonder how many people know that Arlo left? I don’t want anyone’s pity, especially when I’m supposed to be helping people.

“Oh, I’ll be fine. Just gotta keep moving, you know?” I say lightly, probably not convincing anyone. Certainly not myself.

“Right.” Alice looks skeptical. “You guys want to meet me for some drinks tonight? It might help you keep your mind off things. Honestly, I could really use one” she frowns.

Shit. How do I say I’m not drinking right now without it sounding suspicious? People are such gossips around here, and as much as I love Alice, I know she’d tell Antoine as soon as she found out about my… potential family planning. And as soon as Antoine knows, everyone knows. But I don’t want to turn her down if she needs someone to vent to.

“I, uh… I dunno Alice…” I start, trying to come up with an excuse off the top of my head.

“It’s probably not a great idea” says Sam dismissively. “Hana here’s a weepy drunk. Sucks all the fun out of girl’s night every time” she nudges me with her elbow, grinning.

I nudge her back with a smirk, a silent thank you for helping me sort of avoid answering Alice directly. Sam’s always been good at breaking tension. I’m grateful she figured out my secret on her own.

“Very funny, smartass. Thanks for the offer Alice, but I’d better just get some extra rest tonight, as tempting as a few drinks sounds. You guys should definitely go though. Have a few drinks for me?” I smile weakly at her. 

She looks down at me with a sad smile, and it feels like she sees right through me. “Sure thing, Hana. No problem. I’ll see you later ok? Sam? Are you ready now, or do you need to head back to Headquarters first?”

“Nope, I’m all good to go! I love an impromptu girl’s night. I’ll come by tomorrow morning, ok Hana?” Sam stands and puts a light hand on my shoulder. 

“Sounds good. Don’t be out too late, you’re useless to me if you’re hungover, you know” I tease.

She scoffs. “I’ve done plenty of things just fine with a hangover, thank you very much!” 

I roll my eyes at her. “Sure you have. See you later, Sam. Alice.”

They walk off in the direction of the Round Table with a wave, Sam giving me a quick backwards glance. As much as I appreciate her help and support, I’m kind of glad to have a small break from other people. I felt like I was drowning in pity there for a minute.

I heave myself off the front step, stretch out my arms and legs and dust off my pants. Probably time to head home and get that extra rest I fibbed about. It couldn’t hurt. I shove my supplies haphazardly into my pack and start towards home, not wanting to linger and attract more people to my pity party.

\------

It’s midnight and I still can’t sleep. I’ve been laying here for hours, tossing and turning, wondering where Arlo is now. Did they make it safely to the tunnel? Probably. The Corps treks out there on patrol all the time. That shouldn’t have been an issue, right?

Did they do their initial inspection? Are they inside the tunnel already? What are they facing in there? Have they encountered anything yet? Arlo said it would be drilling AI’s, but… I have my doubts that’s the only thing they’re facing. 

I lay there for another half hour before I finally give up. I toss back the covers and flick the lights on, making my way to the kitchen. Maybe some tea will help calm me down enough to sleep.

I stand there staring off into nothing while I wait for the water to boil. I’m so tired. The kettle squeals and I lift it off the stove. I’m about to pour water into my favorite blue mug when loud banging on the front door startles me and I nearly drop the kettle on the floor.

Who the hell would be trying to see me at this hour? My brain instantly concludes that something has happened to Arlo and they’ve come to tell me he’s dead.

In a panic, I toss the kettle back onto the stove and rush to the front door. I throw it open and see… nothing? What?

A small whimper sounds from below me and I look down to find Sam sitting at my feet, drunk and in tears on the welcome mat.

“Sam? What the hell happened? Are you ok?” I ask, very confused, as I reach down to help her up.

“Hana… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so wasted. I don’t want to be alone right now… I didn’t wake you, did I?” she cries, sniffling pitifully. She’s not even wearing her ventilator.

“I… no. I was just making some tea, I couldn’t sleep. You should come in.” I hook my arms under hers and hoist her to her feet slowly so she doesn’t puke all over the floor with the sudden movement. 

“Can… can I have some?” she whimpers.

I lead her into the house and kick the door closed with my foot. “If you think you can keep it down, sure.”

She looks offended. “I can hold my booze better than that, Hana, just who do think I am? Yeesh” she slurs as I deposit her in the nearest armchair. 

“You stay there. I’ll be right back” I command over my shoulder as I walk back to the kitchen, relieved it wasn’t anything to do with Arlo. I’m not sure what Sam’s problem is right now, but she clearly needs my attention more than my self-pity does. So much for ME being the weepy drunk.

I walk back over to her with tea for us both and settle into the chair next to her. She takes it rather loosely, but somehow doesn’t spill on herself.

“Sam… what are you doing here? Not that I don’t enjoy your company, but you never come here drunk. And at this hour. You said you’d be back in the morning, but I didn’t think you meant this early” I smile teasingly at her. “Are you ok?”

“I was, um… just thinking about Arlo” she sniffles, fresh tears falling down her cheeks. “I really didn’t want him to go, Hana. I promise I tried my best to go instead. It shouldn’t have been him… Remi argued to go instead too, but stupid ol’ Gale wouldn’t listen…” she grumbles apologetically down at her tea.

I sigh heavily. I’m so fucking exhausted. “Sam, we talked about this-”

“I know, I know Hana” she interrupts. “But part of it was selfish too, and I feel like shit for that. I just don’t want to lose our Captain. He’s one of my best friends. My brother. I don’t want him to die out there with people he doesn’t know and who don’t care if he makes it… it’s not right, Hana” she wails.

I don’t say anything to that because I’d honestly thought the same thing. I don’t know that his team is going to watch his back the same way Sam or Remi would, and it bothers me. But there’s nothing I can do but hope my little display from this morning gave them a reason to make sure he comes back.

Sam has clearly gone down a path of drunken self-loathing, stringing all her horrible thoughts together in a way that doesn’t quite connect and isn’t easy to follow. I need to distract her from Arlo or this will go on for hours. The amount I’ve seen her cry in the last two days is not normal for her. 

I feel a pang of guilt for not thinking of how this would affect Sam and Remi. I was so absorbed in being miserable and leaning on Sam for support all day I didn’t think about how she was feeling at all. I’ll have to make sure I check on Remi tomorrow.

“Arlo’s your best friend, huh? I thought Phyllis was your best friend” I tease and raise my eyebrows suggestively, latching on to the easiest topic I can think of. She blushes, nearly choking on a large gulp of her tea. 

“I said he was one of! You don’t listen you know… and she is! I just… haven’t seen her in a while… is all…” she mumbles.

“I wish you’d just ask her out already” I smirk, hand on my chin, confident that I can get her off track with this line of conversation. 

“I don’t want to ruin our friendship Hana, you know that! I told you! And I don’t even know if she likes girls. I’m a terrible best friend for not knowing that, huh? Plus, I’m still recovering from my last horrible date, thank you very much” she huffs.

“What, with Albert? That was months ago!” I laugh.

“Yeah and it was so bad that I’m still traumatized” she groans and gulps more tea.

“I have a hard time believing it was as bad as you say. Albert’s a nice guy.”

“Nice, sure. Too nice, Hana. Like the “look how nice a guy I am” type. Have you heard some of the shit he says sometimes? He’s so… unknowingly borderline misogynistic. Rubs me the wrong way” she shudders. 

“Those are some big words for a drunk lady” I tease. She glares at me and drains the rest of her tea, staring down into the mug thoughtfully for a minute. Her silence tells me I wasn’t as successful as I’d hoped in derailing her train of thought.

“I… don’t know what we’re gonna do if he doesn’t come back Hana. I mean, there’s a plan, obviously. There’s always a plan. But… I… don’t want to have to follow it” she whispers down at her now empty mug.

“And… and I feel… so selfish for even feeling that way. Because if we lose him, you lose him too and it’s gonna be so much worse for you and he told us what to do if that happens but I know we could never replace him and I just worry that-”

“Sam. Enough.” I stop her rambling with the command I hear Arlo give her often, and it works. I can’t listen to her talk this way. She was so steady and supportive for me all day today. The least I can do is return the favor when she’s so vulnerable, even when all I want to do is cry along with her. 

I get up from my seat and squish into her chair with her. “If we lose him it’s going to be hard on all of us. But we’re gonna be there for each other, right? Just like you said, remember?” I lean my head onto her shoulder.

She leans her head to rest on top of mine. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m a fucking mess right now. I’m so sorry. You deserve better friends than this. I’m sorry…”

“Hey now, no more of that. We should get some sleep. You want to stay here? I feel like walking back to your house is probably a bad idea.”

“Yeah… yeah that sounds good. Can I sleep on my favorite couch?” she asks in a sleepy, childish voice.

“Of course you can” I chuckle. “I’ll bring you a pillow and a blanket ok? As long as you promise not to puke on everything” I scold lightly, getting up to take our empty mugs to the kitchen. 

“I would never defile my favorite couch” she says seriously, stumbling over to it with a wobble.

I put our mugs in the sink, make sure the stove is turned off, and grab a spare pillow and blanket out of the hall closet. I return to the living room to find Sam is nearly passed out already. I gently lift her head and shove the pillow underneath, throwing the blanket over the top of her.

She sighs happily, snuggling further into the blanket, and I smile to myself. My tough, incredibly strong friend is just as human as I am, and I take comfort in that. Especially in this situation. It must be so hard to maintain constant, calm confidence the way the Corps members do.

I turn out the lights and walk back to the bedroom, leaving the door open in case she needs me. I crawl back under my own covers, again on Arlo’s side of the bed. I’m so damn tired. I’m nearly asleep when I hear Sam call drowsily from the couch. 

“Hana… Hana you awake?”

“…yeah. You ok?” 

“Yeah, I just… I dunno. He’s gonna come back… right? He has to…”

She sounds so small and sad, and her question yanks my heart into my throat. “I… I don’t know, Sam. He’s going to try his best. I know that, at least…”

“That’s true… he’s a stubborn bastard…” she mumbles.

I smirk to myself, agreeing silently with her. Soon enough I hear light snoring coming from the couch. I take a deep, calming breath and hope with everything I have that Arlo makes it through the night. I send him a silent “I love you”, hoping maybe he’ll feel it wherever he is. The morning report can’t come soon enough.


	10. Reports and Sickness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I don't have an excuse for the time it took me to post this chapter except that after the craziness of May I took a little bit of a break for myself from basically everything. Gotta do that self care! Anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter! 😄 Don't forget to leave me some feedback! It's one of my favorite parts of writing this story. I love hearing what you have to say and how you're reacting to the story! 🤗 As always, thanks for reading!

The loud clanking of a pot hitting the floor followed by loud swearing wakes me around 9am. For a second, things seem almost normal. Then I remember that I’m sleeping on Arlo’s side of the bed, and he’s not here. More clanking sounds from the kitchen.

“You ok Sam?” I yell with a slur, slowly remembering last night’s events.

“Yeah, sorry! I was trying to be quiet, I swear!”

I sit up with a groan, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I trudge my way out to the kitchen to assess the damage Sam inevitably caused. 

“I was trying to make you breakfast” she says sheepishly, unsuccessfully trying to rub a small scuff off the floor. “You know… as a thank you for putting up with my sorry ass last night.” She looks away, her cheeks red with embarrassment. 

“It was no problem, really Sam. Don’t worry about it.”

“No, it was totally inappropriate Hana. I’m really sorry. I won’t put you in that position again.” She stands with her arms crossed, her face set in a firm scowl. She looks so disappointed in herself.

I scowl back. “What the hell are you talking about? You’re my friend, Sam. It’s not inappropriate for you to need moral support now and then. Especially now. You were there for me, helping me all day yesterday. It was selfish of me not to ask you how you were feeling. You can’t be expected to be a professional every second of the day.”

Her scowl falters a little. “I wasn’t on my game. And I need to be, with just Remi and I on duty now. If something happens I need to be ready. It was really irresponsible of me to put myself in a position where I needed taking care of.”

Now I’m getting frustrated. 

“Sam. You’re human. Ok? Something that drives me completely nuts about you Civil Corps soldiers is that it’s clearly hard for you to separate your work life from civilian life. You’re going to wear yourself out that way. All three of you! You’re always “on” and it’s so hard to flip the switch to “off” I sometimes think you’ve forgotten how” I grumble.

I sit down at the kitchen table, scraping my chair across the floor a little more forcefully than necessary, pointing at her as I speak. “Everyone needs breaks, support, and rest. You’re not an exception. The only time you guys ever seem to slow down is at our Saturday night Round Table dinners. So don’t you dare apologize to me for being a human and letting yourself exist, for once.”

She sits down next to me with a thud. I’m secretly appreciative that she didn’t sit in Arlo’s chair. 

“Sorry, Hana” she says shakily, rubbing her face with her hands. “Duty is our life. You’re right. It’s hard to separate that from our personal lives sometimes. You’re a good friend and I appreciate that you took care of me last night.”

I give her a half smile. “You’re welcome. I was actually thinking I should go check on Remi today, too. Last night reminded me I’m not the only one missing Arlo here.”

“That’s not a bad idea” she nods. “He took over all of the paperwork Arlo would normally be doing. Said he was nervous about it. He’s probably just as stressed out as I am.”

“After I hear the team’s morning report I think I’ll go see him. What do you have going on today?”

She heaves a sigh, propping her chin on her fist. “I have to do some patrolling later today, but first, I guess Higgins needs help with something this morning. I would much rather be helping you, I seriously hate that guy. If I wasn’t obligated to help him I’d tell him where to stick it” she frowns.

“Don’t stress about it, it’s just roof work today. I should be able to handle that myself if you’re busy.”

“Ok, if you’re sure. How about I buy you a pastry for breakfast though, to make it up to you? Since I didn’t quite get to making any myself…” she looks at the scuff in the floor sheepishly. “Sorry about your floor, I can fix that later…”

“Don’t bother” I laugh. “This floor gets scuffs constantly with all the boots in and out of the house. I’ll just polish it out later.”

“Well I’m buying you breakfast whether you like it or not” she huffs, determined to do something to fix her mistake.

I giggle at her, standing from the table. “Fine, fine. Let me get dressed and we can get going. I’m sure that morning report must be in by now. I’m hoping since we haven’t heard anything yet that all’s well.”

Sam pinches her lips together in a tight, worried line. “Me too.”

\------

Sam and I walk quickly from Martha’s Bakery over to Gale’s office, eager to get inside where we can take our ventilators off to eat. The smoke isn’t as bad today, but it still hangs in the air throughout Portia. There’s a slight breeze in the air. It’d be a gorgeous day today without the haze.

We walk through the door to Gale’s office just in time to see him hanging up a radio receiver. 

“Wow, your timing is impeccable! I just received Frank’s progress report” he says, settling into his chair. We take off our ventilators and walk over to his desk.

“And? What did he say?” I’m so nervous, but Gale doesn’t appear that he’s heard anything in the way of bad news. I eat my pastry in two large bites anyway, worried I won’t want to eat anymore if I hear something bad.

He clears his throat. “Things are progressing smoothly. The team reached the Eufaula Tunnel in record time yesterday, thanks to Arlo’s navigation. The tunnel entrance looked to be stable, so they gave it the all clear and entered around midday. They spent the rest of the day heading inward towards “ground zero”. They had to stop for the night about halfway in. Apparently, it’s quite a long tunnel. They were just about to head out for the day when Frank called with their progress report.”

“Slow going, huh? Well at least nothing seems out of the ordinary so far” says Sam, taking a large bite of her pastry. She seems satisfied with the report, but something about it makes me uneasy. I don’t want to be lulled into a false sense of security.

“Any other details? I know I said I wouldn’t ask for many, I just want to make sure no one’s hurt or anything” I ask, muttering the last bit.

Gale smiles a little before returning to his professional air. “Well apparently Marcel was nearly bitten by a Desert Hopper after seriously underestimating one and getting too close, but Arlo took care of it for him.”

Sam laughs gleefully, not an ounce of pity to be had. “Ha! Serves him right!”

“Well I’m glad he wasn’t actually hurt” I mumble, and Sam gives me a confused look. “If anyone gets injured they’re going to be a burden for the rest of the mission. I want everyone to be doing their best work, and they can’t if they have someone to look after the entire time.”

“Ah… good point, Hana.” Sam looks a little sheepish.

“Hopefully Marcel isn’t as much of a dumbass as he’s made himself out to be” I sigh, rubbing at one of my temples to ease the stress.

“Try not to worry yourself Hana” Gale tries placating me. “I assure you, Mali wouldn’t have sent people she didn’t trust for this mission. She was quite adamant about that.”

“You know, everyone keeps telling me not to worry, but I seem to still be worrying a decent amount” I say, giving him a sarcastic half smile.

He looks sad at my remark, but it’s true. Not Arlo, not Sam, not Gale, and certainly not myself have been able to stop me from worrying just by saying so out loud.

“Ah… it is rather useless advice isn’t it? When it comes to loved ones it’s impossible not to worry. They are a part of you, after all. I’m sorry there’s not more I can do for you Hana. I truly wish I could help more. If I were 20 years younger, I’d have volunteered for the mission myself.” Gale gazes at me thoughtfully, eyes full of sad sincerity.

“I don’t mean to sound unappreciative Gale, really. Thank you for everything you’ve done. This whole thing has just been a little harder than I anticipated when I first heard about it, is all” I sigh. “But… I’m glad you understand.” 

“Of course, Hana. Let me know if there’s anything else I can do for you.”

I smile warmly back at him. “Thank you, Gale. We should probably get going. I have to get some work done on Alice’s house and Sam has a meeting with everyone’s favorite builder in Portia.”

Sam scowls at me. “Thanks for the reminder…”

Gale chuckles to himself. “Well then, good luck to you both!”

He sends us off with a wave and we walk out the door. We just get our ventilators back on and make it down the steps when Higgins comes stomping around the corner.

“Sam! There you are! Where have you been?” he snarks at her. Somehow, wearing a ventilator makes him look even more uptight and mean than before. Like an angry, drowned rat.

Sam clenches her fists but shapes her expression into a semi-friendly one. “So sorry Higgy, I had an appointment with the Mayor first thing this morning. Important town business, you know.” 

Higgins clearly doesn’t appreciate the nickname or being left out of important town business. “Hmph. Well we’re already behind schedule. Follow me. We have work to do and I haven’t got all day to wait around for you.” He turns on his heel, nose in the air, and stomps back the way he came.

Sam looks about ready to shoot lasers from her eyes, but I give her a reassuring pat on the back. “Good luck. I’ll see you later ok? You know where to find me.”

She lets out a tense breath. “You got it. See you later” she huffs, trudging along after the self-important builder.

I let out a sigh of my own and look up towards the Civil Corps Headquarters. Better make my way up there to check on Remi.

I jog my way there, anxious to talk to Remi so I can get to working on Alice’s house. I can be done in the next day or so if I’m efficient about it.

I get to the top of the hill, greeted by the statue of the Flying Pig. He looks as stoic and serious as ever, but something about it makes me uneasy now. I stroll quickly past it, not lingering on those thoughts, and walk in the front doors of the Headquarters. 

There, asleep at his new desk, sits Remi. A large stack of papers sits next to him, with a slightly smaller one on the floor below. 

“Uh… Remi? You ok?” I say softly. He doesn’t wake up.

I step closer to him and give him a poke in the shoulder. “Remi? Wake up buddy.”

He suddenly snorts loudly and jolts out of his seat, knocking his chair backwards and nearly me along with it. For a man who once had a serious knee injury he still moves incredibly fast.

“WHAZHAPPNEN” he yells, looking around franticly. He seems to get his bearings rather quickly though and notices me standing next to the now upturned stack of papers on the floor.

“Ah… Hana. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize… I must’ve fallen asleep huh?” he says, sleep still thick in his voice.

“Yeah I guess so. I came to check up on you, make sure you’re doing ok. You look a little overwhelmed though…”

He scratches the back of his head and yawns, bending over to fix the scattered pile of papers on the floor. “Not overwhelmed yet, just… a little behind on paperwork is all. I knew the boss did quite a lot of it, but I didn’t know it was this much.”

I giggle a little. “Yeah, Arlo complains about it all the time. Says if it weren’t for paperwork, everyone in town would be ten times more productive. He hates it.”

His eyes widen at the mention of Arlo by name. “Damn, I missed the team’s report this morning, didn’t I? What… uh…” he trails off, not sure how to ask what he wants to know without being insensitive.

“Everything is on schedule I guess. They cleared the entrance yesterday and got about halfway into the tunnel by nightfall. They were heading the rest of the way to “ground zero” this morning” I say, hoping my tone is calm and reassuring. 

“Ah… that’s good to hear” he relaxes a little. He eyes the paperwork on his desk with disdain. “Guess the rest of this is gonna have to wait. I’m supposed to be on patrol already.” He starts to move towards to the door when I catch the sleeve of his jacket. He looks down at me curiously.

“Remi, I… I really do want to make sure you’re doing ok, with him gone. I realized last night that I was being a little selfish. I want to make sure you’re ok.”

He smiles warmly down at me, patting my hand still clutching his sleeve. “I’m ok Hana, don’t worry about me. You have enough on your plate. I’m worried for him, of course. But things will work out somehow, I’m sure. It’s too distracting for me to think otherwise.”

I let go of him and he gets to the door, slipping his boots on to go out. “Thank you for asking though, I appreciate it. I trust Sam has been helping you with whatever you need?”

“Yeah, she… yeah. She’s been really helpful with Alice’s house” I say, not looking at him. I don’t want to mention last night to Remi if I can help it. It would only embarrass Sam more. 

He pauses slightly, lacing up his left boot. “Wait… is she the reason you came to check on me? She didn’t do anything stupid did she?” he asks warily, his tone stern.

I think carefully about my answer. “She… she didn’t do anything she isn’t allowed to do. The only thing she’s guilty of is acting human. She allowed herself to have feelings about this whole situation. That’s all.”

Remi looks thoughtfully down at his boots as his finishes lacing them. “I see. Let me know if she starts behaving erratically. Arlo left me in charge, and I need be sure that she’s fit for duty.”

“She’ll be ok, Remi. We’re watching out for each other, promise.” I pause for second as he straightens up, checking to make sure his weapons are holstered tightly. “Let me know if you need anything ok? Company, a meal, whatever. I mean it.”

He smiles at me again, but it’s a little bit guarded this time. “I will Hana, thank you. I’ll see you around.” He gives me a small wave and quickly walks out the door.

I move to follow him but pause at Arlo’s desk near the front. Everything is right where he left it, pens and papers askew all over. The only thing that’s truly clean on my husband’s messy desk is the wedding picture of us he placed carefully in the corner. I tear up a little, my heart feeling warm at the thought that he must clean it fairly often to keep it looking so nice.

I clear my throat and make my way outside. I start walking back down the road when I notice Remi walking towards the stable from behind Doctor Xu’s office. He doesn’t seem to see me. I watch as he hastily takes a large swig from a flask, stowing it inside his jacket before he gets on his horse and rides off. 

Seems like both remaining members of the Corps have taken to drinking to ease the pain of Arlo leaving. Remi is definitely not as ok as he assured me he was. I'll have watch out for him.

Once again, I wonder what else was said in that meeting the night the Flying Pigs arrived. Arlo was probably right when he told me I wouldn’t want to know. With a shiver, I start walking again. I need to get working on Alice’s house. At least I know that will keep me distracted.

\------

I work all day putting new shingles on Alice’s roof. I don’t stop for many breaks, worried that if I do I’ll have too much time to myself to think.

It’s nearly 3pm when clouds quickly roll in and a thunderstorm starts up. Fat raindrops the size of cherries fall from the sky, quickly soaking me to the bone. 

With a grumble, I realize I’m basically a lightning rod sitting on top of this roof with a hammer. I’ll have to call it quits for now. 

I start to make my way down the ladder when a wave of nausea and dizziness stops me in my tracks. I hold tightly to the ladder trying my best not to fall off, seeing as I’m a good 12 feet in the air.

The dizziness subsides after a minute or two, but I definitely feel like I’m about to throw up. I quickly step the rest of the way down the ladder and move as quickly as I can into Alice’s bathroom, which thankfully now has a roof over it. 

I barely make it there, emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet. I gag and dry heave uncomfortably for a minute or so afterwards. When I stand up to rinse my mouth out in the sink I’m feeling remarkably normal again.

What the hell was that all about? Maybe the pastry I had for breakfast didn’t sit right with me for some reason. Or maybe it’s the flu coming on?

Arlo’s nagging voice about seeing Doctor Xu for the dizziness sounds in my head. I bask in it for a minute, ignoring the message and enjoying being able to hear his voice in my mind so clearly. I really should get this checked out. But I’m so close to finishing this roof, and I feel totally fine now.

I decide that I will see Doctor Xu… AFTER I finish this project. I don’t want to be distracted from this by a silly little sickness. It’s probably just a weird stomach bug going around. I’ll power through it.

I grab my tools from the work site and jog back home through the rain. I look like the drowned rat I accused Higgins of being earlier when I walk in the front door, closing it quickly behind me.

I sigh, kicking off my boots and making my way to the bathroom to get out of my wet clothes and take a nice warm shower. Despite it being summer, the rain was really cold. 

I let the water get nice and hot, stepping under it with a contented groan. I start to lather up with shampoo when another wave of dizziness hits me like a boulder. I try holding myself up against the shower wall but it’s far too slippery. 

With nothing to hold on to, I slide down into the tub, soap running into my eyes as I put my head between my knees, begging the world to stop spinning. It spins faster and faster, my vision getting blurry and dark. I feel my consciousness slip in and out under the water, my eyes stinging with soap.

The spinning finally stops after who knows how long. I’m lying on my back in the tub, the water still running. It’s ice cold now. How long have I been in here?

I quickly sit up, which isn’t really that smart after what just happened, and turn off the water. I pull the shower curtain back with a shiver, looking at the clock on the bathroom wall. It’s been well over an hour since I got in here. 

Now I’m starting to actually worry. What if something really is wrong with me? I shake my head, trying to banish the worse case scenarios now playing in my brain.

I haul my cold, soaking wet body out onto the rug and drape a towel over my head, drying myself off quickly.

I walk with shaky steps into the bedroom to put on something warm and crawl under the covers for a nap. Hopefully I can sleep this off for the day and no one else is going to need me for anything. Both Scraps and Pinky were waiting for me outside the door, having sensed that something was wrong.

“Sorry guys. I’m ok now” I tell them. I’m not sure they really understand, but in response they both jump up onto my side of the bed and curl up for a nap. I change quickly and get into Arlo’s side to join them.

As I lay there, once again breathing in the scent of Arlo’s pillow, I make my decision. I will finish Alice’s roof tomorrow, then immediately after, go see Doctor Xu. If I don’t take care of myself there will be hell to pay from quite a few people. That’s for sure. 

Plus, it scares me a little that I don’t have anyone in the house to take care of me if I get really sick. I lived alone a long time and have always been able to take care of myself, but having Arlo take care of me when I get sick is one of the best perks of marriage, in my opinion. Not only does he volunteer to do it, but he’s so good at knowing exactly what to do and how to help me feel better. 

Fuck, I miss him. 

I watch the lightning flash in the window and wonder if he can hear the thunder from inside the tunnel. He loves storms. I wish he were here to enjoy this with me. I wish he were here to take care of me. To tell me not to work so hard. To take matters into his own hands when I don’t listen to him the first time and inevitably make things worse. 

I roll onto my back with a sigh, closing my eyes to listen to the rumbling, quickly getting drowsy. It’s quite a storm. I’ll have to tell him all about it. And ask if he knew his subordinates tend to self-medicate with booze. Maybe he used to do that too? I should ask him. There’s a lot of things I don’t know about him still. I wish I had thought to ask them before.

I start making a list of things I want to know as I drift off for my nap. So many things. I hope with all I have I’ll get the chance to ask them.


	11. Anger and Anxiety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY another chapter complete! Only took me like 3 weeks to write this one, but what do you do? 🤷 The train's still moving, it's just a little slow, haha. Hope you enjoy this chapter! As always, thanks so much for reading and for your lovely feedback! I love hearing what you have to say. 🌻

Once again, I’m awoken by a hurried knock at the front door. I wish I could just wake up when my body is ready to, for once. These constant interruptions aren’t good for my sleep cycle.

Grumbling, I toss the covers back, but before I can even stand up completely the front door opens on its own, and Sam comes running into the bedroom.

The look of alarm on her face calms immediately when she sees me half standing out of bed. She rips her ventilator off and runs her arm across her sweaty forehead. “Damnit Hana, I couldn’t find you anywhere! I was getting worried. It’s not like you to quit work early” she huffs, out of breath. She must’ve been running all over town.

I give her a look of confusion. I’m not quite sure why’d she’d be so worried about me.

“Did you not notice the storm earlier? I couldn’t exactly work on the roof in that weather, you know.” 

Said storm seems to have stopped now, seeing as I can’t hear any more thunder, the last hints of daylight glowing in the window. I glance at the clock on the wall and see that I slept for nearly 6 hours. Whoops.

“No, I didn’t. I was down in the ruins with Higgins, unfortunately. Didn’t hear a thing” she says with a grimace. “You look really pale though… are you ok?”

“Yeah, fine” I brush her off and get out of the bed the rest of the way. No dizziness so far. I do feel a little better. Hopefully Sam doesn’t question me further. 

“Wait, I thought the ruins weren’t safe to go in yet?”

She narrows her eyes at my diversion slightly but answers me anyway. “That’s exactly why I had to help him today. We haven’t cleared the ruins for divers yet, but he insisted he needed materials to get the town’s repair work done. Not sure I really buy that part of it, but we couldn’t allow him to go in there by himself right now, and he wouldn’t take no for an answer.” 

She looks quite grumpy about the whole ordeal, not that I blame her. Spending any amount of time with Higgins is enough to give me a migraine, so I imagine Sam is feeling a little worse for wear. 

“I’m sorry. Sounds like a hard day” I sympathize, walking up to her and patting her on the shoulder. “You don’t have to help him again tomorrow, do you?”

“Fuck no. I have patrol all afternoon, thankfully. Then I think I might help Remi out with some of that paperwork that’s piling up on his desk…” she trails off thoughtfully, looking away and leaning over to examine a reproduced relic of a soldier on Arlo’s bedside table.

I remember my chat with Remi from this morning and debate asking Sam about his drinking habits. I don’t want to worry her, and I don’t want to get Remi in trouble. But at the same time, if I don’t say anything and he becomes unreliable as the interim Captain, someone needs to know what’s going on. Ugh…

“Say, uh… outside of our Saturday dinners, does Remi do much drinking outside of work?” I try to ask as nonchalantly as possible. Maybe I’m just missing some context for the situation. I’d love to be wrong about this.

Sam’s head whips around to look at me, recognition dawning on her face immediately. So much for subtlety. 

“Shit… was he hungover when you saw him this morning?” she asks, somewhat urgently.

Her reaction makes me uneasy. “Uh, I don’t think so? It looked like he’d just fallen asleep at his desk doing paperwork.”

“That might be, but it’s possible he was just hiding it. He’s good at that. What makes you ask about his drinking habits, Hana? What happened?” She takes a small step towards me, her gaze very serious.

“Well… when I asked him how he was doing he said he was managing ok, and I believed him. He left for patrol, and I… well I went to follow him but got stopped at Arlo’s desk for a minute…” 

I’m blushing now, a little embarrassed to admit to Sam that I’m so miserably sappy I got emotional about my husband’s empty desk.

I clear my throat and move on when she only gives me a tiny smirk in response. “Anyway, I left the building and was about to reach the road when I noticed Remi walk out from behind the clinic with a flask. He took a quick drink, stowed it in his pocket and rode off. It didn’t seem like he saw me.” 

“Shit” she swears lowly, anxiously bringing a gloved hand to her eyes. “I thought I’d gotten them all.”

“I dunno, I might be overreacting Sam. Maybe it was just water?” I suggest nervously, hating that I’ve potentially caused more problems for my already stressed out friends. 

“No, Hana. Definitely not water” she sighs. “I’m assuming Arlo never told you… Remington ended up with a bit of a self-medication issue after his initial knee injury all those years ago. Depressed the hell out of him being out of service while he recovered, not to mention the trauma from the injury itself was awful. Once he got back to working he was able to cut back to mostly normal levels. He’s usually ok if he’s around friends. You know how upbeat he usually is. But the recent stress must’ve really gotten to him” she looks away, worry lines etched a little more deeply in her face than normal.

She heaves a deeper sigh, sitting down on the bed to continue. “He has this stupid flask collection he’s really fond of, and Arlo told him it might be wise to lock them away for a while, since he’ll be handling two jobs at once for a bit. Avoid the temptation, you know? All of us know how easily extra stress riles him up. Remi agreed. I even helped him put them away. But he must’ve had a few stashed away for a rainy day somewhere… sneaky bastard.”

She sounds frustrated and disappointed. But mostly worried. 

I’m very uncomfortable having opened up this horrible can of worms, but it seems like I’ve done the right thing so far. I hope. 

“Is it a good idea to ask him about it? I don’t want it getting out of hand, but I don’t know how sensitive he is about it” I ask tentatively. 

Sam stares at her feet. “Don’t worry about it, Hana. I’ll take care of it. Though, it feels pretty hypocritical of me to confront him about it, seeing as I was doing the exact same thing last night” she says, rubbing tiredly at her left eye. “But I need to. Before it gets out of hand. Arlo wouldn’t be happy about this.” 

I stay silent. She doesn’t need to hear me agree to know she’s right. Arlo definitely wouldn’t be happy to know how worried his friends and teammates are in his absence. But I’m guessing he knew how badly this would affect them. He’s their Captain. It’s his job to know their strengths and weaknesses in any situation.

Sam sighs again, looking up at me from the bed forlornly. “We’re a fucking mess without him, Hana. Truly. It’s pathetic. We know how to do our jobs, but without Arlo, Remi and I have no direction. We’re like a body trying to function without a head. He hasn’t even been gone two whole days!”

I smile warmly at her. “You’re not pathetic. Arlo just makes it easy for you to be a team. It’s not your fault he’s a disgustingly talented natural leader. He makes it all look too easy. It’s really not fair to you guys.”

The look on her face changes from sadness to amusement, laughing at me lightly and shaking her head. “Man, no wonder he loves you so much, if you talk about him like that. I’m surprised his ego hasn’t leaked out his ears yet” she smirks. 

I roll my eyes at her with a grin. “Don’t assume it hasn’t. I somehow manage to keep it in check most of the time.”

She laughs again. “I know you do. You’re the only one who can.”

We stay silent for a minute, not sure where to take the conversation from there. I’m sure both of us are pretty sick of being reminded how much value our lives would lose if Arlo was gone. It’s a constantly present thought in my mind. 

Sam rises to her feet with a small groan, stretching out her arms behind her back. “I’d better go talk to Remi. Nip this thing in the bud before it gets worse.”

“Yeah, that’d probably be best” I look down at my feet, guilt all encompassing. “I’m sorry for causing you more trouble, Sam. I just wanted to make sure you guys are ok.”

“You did the right thing Hana, no worries. Remi just needs someone to hold him accountable is all. I won’t mention that you saw him earlier.” She walks through the door to the living room, slipping her ventilator back on as she goes.

“Thanks, Sam” I say as I follow her and open the front door for her, escorting her out. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”

She waves me off. “You’ve got enough on your plate. We’re big kids. We can handle ourselves, promise.” She turns to walk out the door but pauses on the threshold. “You sure you’re ok? You really do look super pale. Maybe you’re working too hard. I can come back tonight if you want…”

“No no, I’m fine, I promise! Don’t worry about me. I’ll be all rested and ready to finish up Alice’s roof tomorrow morning” I assure her, giving her my most toothy winning smile and a thumbs up for good measure.

She gives me a look, one eyebrow arching upwards in confusion. Maybe I overdid it a little. 

“Well… ok Hana. I’ll take your word for it. I’ll come find you sometime tomorrow after Remi and I blast through all our paperwork, ok?”

“You got it! Goodnight Sam!”

She gives me a small wave and walks out the door. I watch as she starts a slow jog and passes through the front gate. She must’ve stabled Teddy for the night already, she doesn’t usually run places.

I close the door, leaning my back against it with a sigh. It feels terrible to lie to her about how I’ve been feeling lately but I really don’t need her worrying any more than she already is. One thing I will not be is a burden to my friends and family. I need to be useful.

I push myself off the door and walk over to our comfiest couch where Scraps is curled up in tiny ball. I sit down next to him, stroking his soft ears. He sighs contentedly, and it makes me smile. I’m glad he’s come to feel comfortable here so quickly. Feels nice. With Arlo being gone I haven’t been able to feel much of anything except anxiety and fear. 

I lean my head back into the couch and once again start wondering where he is at this moment. His team should have reached “ground zero” by now. I wonder what they found there. What they’re fighting against. My heart clenches painfully at the thought that he still has a full day in the tunnel plus the entire trip back. Two more days before I see him again. Maybe longer if they get delayed.

My mind flashes back to this morning, Sam and I getting our breakfast from Martha’s Bakery. The way Martha looked at me… like she knows exactly what I’m feeling, what I’m going through. And the pity in her eyes… I resented it a little in the moment. I don’t want anyone’s pity. But I guess she, more than most people in Portia, would understand this experience. Except her husband didn’t come back from his expedition alive…

I wrap my arms tightly around my body in a sort of pathetic pseudo-hug, huddled up on the couch. I think bitterly to myself that at least she and I could start The Adventurer’s Widow Club if Arlo kicks the bucket.

I’m not even done thinking that horrible thought before I burst into tears on the couch, feeling sorrier for myself than I ever have in my life. Of all the twisted things to think…

And really, what am I blubbering about? I’m not even the one out there risking my life for my fellow citizens. I’m not currently stuck in a dark, hot tunnel full of things that want to kill me.

What the hell is wrong with me, acting like this? My emotions are intense and out of control, and I can’t tell if it’s because of the overwhelming situation with Arlo or if it’s just PMS. 

A horrible thought starts crossing my mind. A thought that connects everything I’ve been feeling lately and my dizziness from the last few days. And the nausea…

NOPE. 

No way.

We’re not going down that road tonight. I refuse to think about this anymore. I’m going to go straight back to bed, wake up feeling great in the morning and finish Alice’s roof like the completely capable badass that I am. After listening to a successful and stellar report from Arlo’s team, of course. Everything will be on schedule and I’ll see him two evenings from now when he comes home. That’s that.

I leap off the couch, startling poor Scraps, and stomp my way determinedly over to the bedroom, furiously wiping tears from my cheeks. I throw myself under the covers and clench my eyes shut, hoping I fall asleep quickly.

…

Thirty minutes later and my brain refuses to shut off. The nagging thought that I could be… might be… but if he doesn’t come back, then…

“SHUT UP” I shout into the dark, clenched fists pressing into my temples. Unsurprisingly my brain doesn’t listen even a little bit. 

Suddenly getting an idea, I throw back the covers and stomp back into the living room, eyes searching out and finding what I’m after immediately. I snatch the old record player off its normal table and haul it into the bedroom. Setting it down on my dresser, I go back out and dig around for the record I’m looking for. 

“Ah ha! Found you.”

Carefully setting the record onto the player, I switch it on and move the needle to start the music. Instantly the sound of Arlo’s favorite song caresses my ears. 

I crawl back into bed with a sigh, concentrating on the music and the memories it holds. It’s a beautiful instrumental piece, lovingly slow and gentle. Classical, I guess it was called a long time ago. 

I remember the day I brought it home from the ruins, excited to find a record I hadn’t seen before, and in perfect shape too. Arlo watched me from his chair, amused by my excitement, as I gently cleaned the record and put it on. 

As the first notes played I heard him gasp quietly behind me. I looked back at him and his head had snapped to attention, the amusement wiped from his face. His eyes were wide with wonder, his jaw slack as the song drifted smoothly over us. 

He was utterly captivated by it. I’d never seen him react that way to music before. He told me it felt like someone took all the emotions he had for me and turned them into song. I nearly swooned.

He must’ve played that record upwards of ten times that evening, pulling me in close to dance with him after the second time through. 

And oh, the many times we’ve danced to this song together since. Swaying back and forth in each other’s arms across the living room floor. Laying together on the rug in front of the fireplace after making love, listening to the music and the sound of each other’s breathing.

I can almost feel the swaying and his warm, sturdy arms around me, his forehead pressed to mine. The gentle smile on his lips and the brush of his eyelashes on my skin as he leans in to kiss me…

I breathe deeply, closing my eyes, letting the music and the sweet memories of Arlo caress me to sleep at last.

\------

I wake with the birds chirping outside my window. 6am. Much earlier than I like to be up normally, but I did have quite a nap yesterday.

I sit up slowly, rubbing sleep from my eyes. It’s far too early to start any work in town but I’ve been neglecting my workshop chores lately. I’ll have some breakfast and start on those before I head into town for the day.

I roll out of bed and pad over to the dresser, switching off the record player I left running last night. I move to pick it up and take it back to the living room before deciding against it. I think I might use it again tonight.

I dress quickly and head into the bathroom. I grimace at myself in the mirror over the sink, as I have many times before. I look horrific. Thankfully I’m not as pale as I was yesterday, but I definitely don’t look like I’m in top shape.

I brush my teeth and run a comb through my snarled hair. It’s gonna be one of those days where it won’t cooperate with me, I can tell. With a scowl, I dig around for my most reliable and well-used scrunchy, intending to just throw my hair in a ponytail for the day. 

After a few solid minutes of searching I give up. I can’t find it anywhere. I usually leave it just laying on the bathroom counter, since I use it so often. I wonder if Pinky swiped it and hid it somewhere. It wouldn’t be the first time.

I settle for a less-reliable hair tie that I’ll no doubt have to adjust several times throughout the day. I put my hair up and quickly decide that it looks like shit. Cool. 

Frustrated with my appearance, I splash some water on my face and call it good enough. I’m not even going to attempt makeup. I’d probably just stab myself in the eye with the mascara wand anyway.

I head into the kitchen to eat something, but find I’m not really feeling very hungry. Odd, considering I threw up yesterday’s breakfast and haven’t eaten since. Maybe just some toast? That’s good for sensitive stomachs, right? 

As soon as I open the bag of bread though, my stomach turns. Just the smell of it makes me want to gag. Must’ve gone moldy or something. I toss the whole loaf in the trash and decide I’ll just have some tea for now. I’ll try eating later.

I sit quietly at the kitchen table with my tea, sipping it in the early morning light, Scraps laying at my feet. Seems he’s gotten rather attached to me. 

I stare into the distance, though not really seeing. Arlo would normally be across from me quietly chewing his breakfast and reading the paper, but his chair is still empty, of course. I wonder when he last ate? I look down into my tea, gazing at the swirls of steam coming off it. My entire body feels heavy for some reason, my eyes especially.

I quickly swallow the last of my tea, and it only burns my throat a little. I trudge to the door and slip on my work boots. I peek out the window to see if I’m going to need a jacket or not and I’m surprised to see the smoke has nearly all but dissipated. I’m not even going to need my ventilator today, thank goodness. I’m so tired of wearing that thing. It makes my face all sweaty.

Seeing as it’s finally safe for the critters to be outside, I beckon both Pinky and Scraps to follow me out. They both happily scamper out the door. I’m a little saddened by it, honestly. I’m not sure if Scraps is going to come back tonight. I’ve really enjoyed his company.

First thing’s first. I walk over to the Factory and swing open the door. Before I can step a single foot into the building I’m knocked over by a speeding cloud of pink fur. Mr. Fuzz rockets past me, heading straight over to the stable and planting himself firmly on the ground there. He stares at me as if daring me to try moving him back.

“You asshole! I was going to let you out today anyway!” I yell angrily at him. It’s good thing I don’t have any neighbors close by, I’d have definitely woken them up.

I get up and dust myself off, stomping over to the stable to throw some lettuce from storage into the trough. I toss it in angrily, refusing to look at my stupid llama. Ungrateful idiot. Doesn’t know what’s good for him.

I feel something nudge my arm and look to see Mr. Fuzz snuffling happily at me, leaning in to nuzzle my shoulder. Suddenly feeling an intense rush of guilt and love for the animal I was cursing at a second ago, I turn around and hug the llama’s neck tightly. 

“I’m sorry Mr. Fuzz… I know you must’ve hated it in there. You’re just happy to be out. I get it. I wouldn’t want to be trapped somewhere unfamiliar either.” 

He seems to understand my apology and licks the side of my face before turning towards the trough and eagerly munching a mouthful of lettuce. I pat him on the back and head off to weed the garden.

\------

It’s about 9:30 by the time I finish up. I go inside the house for a quick glass of water and to wipe any dirt off my face before I head into town. Once I’m satisfied that there’s nothing too unsavory about my appearance I head out the door and start the short walk towards Gale’s office. Arlo’s team will have gotten their report in by now.

Just as I walk past the Peach Plaza entrance I see Sam and Remi round the corner. The look to be speaking rather fiercely with each other. I’m not sure if they’re arguing or if they’re just having a very animated conversation. Neither of their expressions are particularly angry, from what I can tell. 

They quickly disappear into Gale’s office, and I jog to catch up. I don’t want Gale to start without me.

As soon as I walk in the door I can sense that the atmosphere is very tense. Looking around I see that Gale is sitting nervously at his desk, fiddling with a pen in his jacket pocket. A blanket and pillow are set up on an old cot next to the desk. He must be sleeping here in case the team calls in on the radio in the middle of the night.

Sam is sitting in a chair in front of Gale’s desk, slumped over and staring at the ground. Remi is leaning nonchalantly against the wall, but his expression gives him away. All three of them have bags under their eyes, looking tired and strained. Do I look like that too or have they just heard bad news?

“Gale? Um… what’s going on?” I ask timidly, my throat tight. None of them look at me when I speak.

“We’re still waiting on the report Hana. It’s… they’re late. They should’ve checked in at 9 this morning” he answers, staring at the radio on his desk. His voice is calm, but I can tell it’s forced. Sam’s leg starts to jiggle anxiously. 

“Is there really no way to contact them? That doesn’t seem like very smart planning” Sam says, her temper clearly very short this morning.

Gale sighs, rubbing at his temples tiredly. “Like I told you Sam, the team can only contact us and not vice versa for security reasons. Plus, it’s dangerous to try to contact them in case they’re in a combat or reconnaissance situation. We don’t want to give away their position or distract them. You know that.”

Sam lets out a frustrated grumble, her leg bouncing harder. Remi doesn’t say anything. In fact, he’s a still as a statue. I can hardly even tell he’s breathing. I’m feeling a little short of breath myself at this point.

Remembering my current issue with dizzy spells, I walk forward and sit in the chair next to Sam in case I suddenly feel the need to fall over. My heart is pounding much faster than it should be.

We sit there in the office, waiting. Gale staring at the radio, Remi staring at nothing, Sam staring at her feet, and me staring at the clock on the wall. I’m not sure when it happened but Sam and I are holding hands now in silent support.

Five minutes pass. Then ten. Then twenty.

Thirty seven minutes and twenty seconds have passed when the radio beeps loudly, making all of us jump. Gale scrambles to pick it up, fumbling with the controls. 

“Yes hello, Frank? Are you there?” he speaks into the radio.

Franks fuzzy voice sounds from the speaker, tired and out of breath. “Gale? Yes, we’re here. Sorry for the delay, we’ve had some trouble finding a place to lay low. We haven’t slept all night. What time is it?” He sounds disoriented. It occurs to me they probably can’t tell how much time has passed in the tunnel with no sunlight.

“It’s Tuesday morning, 10:38am. Report?”

I hear loud clanking on their end, like someone has tossed their weapons on the ground. “Team Leader Frank of the Flying Pigs, Mission Report, Eufaula Tunnel Expedition for Day 2, entering Day 3: Made it to “ground zero” yesterday, mid-morning. Cleared out a few standard monsters and inspected the site. There were countless holes drilled into the tunnel walls, but none of them were very deep, and all of them that we checked were completely empty aside from leftover missile casings. No drilling AI that we could find. Looks like there was one main large missile that blew up the tunnel, and then it sent more smaller missiles out into the tunnel walls like shrapnel.”

“I see. What’s your team’s current status?” Gale asks, his professional tone shining through any anxiety he might be feeling.

“The team is currently in OK condition. Zarra and Leon got some nasty burns from a couple of those flame variants, and Marcel’s horse got spooked and took off, but we’re good otherwise. We got a little overrun last night after checking out the holes and haven’t been able to sleep yet. Lots of high-level fuckers in here. I won’t lie, we were struggling there for a while. We’re about to take a short rest before we continue the clear-out.”

Gale looks concerned. “Overrun? Do you need backup?”

“NO!” Arlo’s voice suddenly booms out of the speaker, shouting urgently. “Do not send ANYONE ELSE into this tunnel! Do you hear me!?”

I’m simultaneously filled with relief and anxiety at hearing Arlo’s voice. The instant confirmation that my husband is still alive and fighting is quickly overshadowed by the urgency in his voice. The clear message that the team isn’t doing as well as they should be, that they’re struggling with the sheer number of monsters they’re fighting, is fucking terrifying to me.

Being outnumbered is one of the most dangerous circumstances you can be in as a fighter. It takes strength, and often quite a bit of luck, to get out of those kinds of situations alive. Especially when facing variants. They’re so creepy, and far more dangerous than your standard monster. Not to mention the mental toll they take on you to kill. It’s like fighting another human, kind of. They look so similar to us, and it’s not hard to imagine that they were maybe people once. It changes you to kill them. I had nightmares for weeks after that trip into Ingalls Mine with Remi.

“Arlo… are you sure?” Gale asks, hesitantly. 

“Yes! I mean it. We barely got out with our lives just 10 minutes ago. Any fighter at less than Flying Pig level in terms of skill won’t even be able to make it to us at this point. The variants in here have increased dramatically since we showed up. There’s more every hour. It’s like they were hibernating and now they’re coming out of the woodwork, so to speak.” 

Arlo’s voice is gravelly and heavy sounding. He definitely hasn’t slept in a while.

“That’s certainly troubling” Gale shakes his head, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “When the tunnel was being built there wasn’t any reports of high monster activity from Mint or his builders, aside from the drilling AI’s in the beginning, of course. Correct?”

“Right. And these variants in here… they’re different than the ones from the old Ingalls Mine shaft. There’s something off about them. I just don’t know what” Arlo grumbles frustratedly.

“None of us got our best thinking caps on right now, Gale. We’re all a little exhausted” Frank chuckles grimly. “Though, weren’t you telling me that your teammate and your wife did an excursion in that mine with all the variants, Arlo? Maybe they’d have some insight.”

“They’re both here if you want to ask them” Gale says. 

I stand up immediately, as if that will better prepare me to answer questions. “Arlo? I’m here. What do the variants look like?”

“Hana… hi Love” Arlo says, his voice immediately softer and lower, clearly surprised that I’m on the other end of the radio. He clears his throat quickly though, getting down to business. 

“They look like an off-brand version of a standard variant. There are at least two new kinds though, none of us have ever seen them before. What do the standard variant eyes look like again?”

“They all have white eyes, no pupils, no iris. They also all have blond hair and are about the same height” I answer, happy to be of some help.

“Yeah, that’s right. Like they were copied from one variant or something. These variants all have glowing, bright green eyes and their hair colors and heights vary. One new type carries a gun around, and the other a very large sword. Thankfully they can’t aim all that well or we’d be in trouble.”

“Yeah, their main advantage is definitely in numbers right now” adds Frank. “Otherwise we’d be having no issues.”

“Ok. What’s your plan going forward Frank, if you aren’t requesting backup?” asks Gale.

“Like I said, we get some rest, then we’ll continue the mission as planned. We’ll clear out as many of these bastards as we can then get the fuck out of dodge. Then the larger crew can come in and clean up after us” Frank finishes with a sigh. “After that? I think I might retire” he laughs.

“Ok. I’ll be awaiting tomorrow morning’s report, as usual. Don’t hesitate to get a hold of us before then if you end up needing help.”

“Will do, Gale. Thanks” Frank grunts. Somehow, I doubt they’ll be calling until tomorrow.

“Bye Arlo!” I blurt at the radio before Frank can hang up.

“See you soon, Hana” Arlo answers, and I can hear the smile in his voice.

The radio makes a clicking noise and goes silent. The four of us all start breathing again, not really aware that we were holding our breath.

I notice Sam and Remi staring each other down, clearly communicating without words. And I think I know exactly what about.

“You’re not seriously thinking of going out there are you?” I ask incredulously. Arlo made it very clear how dangerous it was, and that Remi and Sam would not be skilled enough to even make it the whole way into the tunnel.

“What?” Gale looks stunned. “Absolutely not, I forbid you to leave Portia at this time! Portia needs you both. I can’t have you running off on a mission to prove your courage” Gale says to the two of them sternly, glaring back and forth between them.

Sam stands angrily from her chair and approaches the desk, leaning in menacingly. “Courage?! This isn’t about courage, Gale. Their team is overwhelmed and clearly needs backup! You heard them say it! They need help!”

Gale stands too, staring her down, but not in an unkind way. “I’m sorry Sam, but you and Remi are not the people that are going to be able to help them. Arlo himself said the skill level required is too much for your standard Civil Corp soldier.”

“It’s only a matter of time before they get overwhelmed and overly tired. And that’s when you start to make mistakes” Remi growls darkly from his spot on the wall. 

Gale crosses his arms and sighs. “I understand your concern. I wish I could send you to help, truly. But I cannot, in good conscience, send you into that tunnel at this time. I’m sorry. Your orders are to stay here in Portia where you can continue to protect our citizens that rely on you for their safety. No negotiations.”

Remi leans away from the wall and turns towards the door. “Understood, Mayor. Sam?”

Sam says nothing, turning around and walking swiftly towards the door in a furious rage. Remi follows her out without another word.

Gale and I stand in uncomfortable silence for a few seconds. I turn back to look at him, and notice he now looks about 10 years older.

He sits back down heavily in his chair with a groan. “I’m sorry Hana. I’m sure you must think about as well of me as they do right now.”

“I… I understand that your job is not an easy one. I don’t blame you for the decisions you’ve made so far. I’d like to. It would be so easy to blame someone for all of this. But I can’t, because I know that’s not fair. It’s not like you have much to work with here…” I point at the radio. “All any of us can do right now is wait.”

Gale smiles tiredly up at me. “Thank you for saying that Hana. I appreciate it. Though, I can’t deny the situation has gotten worse since the last report. I almost wish you hadn’t been here to hear it, despite your valuable info on the variants.”

“If I’m able to help them at all from here then I will. Their safety is more important than my mental state at the moment. That can be dealt with later.”

Gale looks at me with a sad expression on his face. “What happened to you to make you so resilient, Hana? Your mental fortitude surpasses nearly everyone I know, to your detriment sometimes.”

I smirk a little. “That’s a story for another time I think. I need to get to finishing Alice’s roof today.”

“Ah, yes, I suppose you do. Excellent and timely work on that, by the way. You are the best builder we have, and I appreciate your work ethic in this otherwise trying time for you.”

“Don’t mention it. I take comfort in the familiar” I smile cheerily at him, turning to walk towards the front door. 

“See you tomorrow, Hana” he waves.

“I’ll be here” I wave back as I open the door and step out into the first real rays of sunshine we’ve had in days. Funny that it doesn’t fit my mood in the slightest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the curious types, the song that Arlo loves so much from this chapter is Clair de Lune, by Debussy. 🌑 Give it a listen, if you haven't heard it before. 😊


	12. Shingles and Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay new chapter! Quick note, I realized while writing this one that I'd been calling Sam's horse Arrow this whole time when her horse's name is Teddy. 😬 Whoops. So I had fun going through all the previous chapters and changing it. 😖 Sorry about that!
> 
> Things are starting to take a turn for the worse for poor Hana. I promise things will get better eventually! But they have to get worse before they can get better and we're not quite done with the descent yet. 😈 As always, thanks for reading!

I stand there for a minute, taking in the Plaza from the front step of the Mayor’s office. It’s the first nice day we’ve had since the smoke blew in. People are out and about, running errands, saying hello to each other. Everything is nearly back to normal for most of them.

And here I am, my world still hanging completely upside down each day that Arlo isn’t here. Pathetic.

Sam and Remi are nowhere to be found. I really hope they listen to Gale. As much as I want Arlo’s team to request backup, I don’t want my friends going out there either.

I stretch my arms over my head, trying to enjoy the warm sunshine on my face, and start the walk over to Alice’s house. Only one more side of the roof to do and it’s all finished. As long as I don’t get sick up there on the roof again I’ll be fine.

Which reminds me I’ll have to go see Dr. Xu today, once I’m finished. Maybe tomorrow, depending on how late it gets. We’ll see.

As I take the short walk through the Plaza I’m noticing that no one is saying a single word to me. And it’s busy today. Are people avoiding me? That’s… not normal at all. Usually everyone here is so friendly… it’s not like I’m a stranger.

I meet Sonia’s eyes as I pass The Round Table and she looks away quickly. Usually she’d wave and say hello, maybe talk my ear off about the latest gossip. What’s with everybody? Have they all been talking about me? Do I look as sick as I was feeling yesterday? I didn’t look it this morning…

Whatever. I don’t have time to waste worrying about that. I’m going to finish this damn roof, have a quick chat with Dr. Xu, and then lock myself away at home until tomorrow’s morning report. I guess Sam said she was going to come find me after all that paperwork, but I wouldn’t be upset if she didn’t. I kind of just want to be alone with my work right now.

\------

Three more rows. Three more rows of shingles and I’m finished. I’ve only been working on this roof a few days now, but it feels like an eternity for some reason.

The warm sunny morning has evolved into a blistering hot afternoon. I’m sweating in places I didn’t know I could, and I’m so, SO tired. Probably has something to do with the fact that I haven’t eaten in… I don’t even know how many hours now. 

I stop for my millionth water break when I hear someone call my name from down on the ground. Not recognizing the voice immediately, I peer over the edge to see who it belongs to. 

Below me waves Dr. Xu, looking cheerful as usual today. Odd. I can’t remember a time when he’s sought me out before. We’re friendly, but we don’t make a point to hang out with each other.

“Oh, hello Xu. What can I do for you?” I call down.

“Oh, nothing much! Just came over to see how Alice’s house was coming along. I heard you’ve been working hard.” He pauses, smiling.

“Uh… yeah, I guess I have. I want to make sure Alice and Jack have their home back as soon as possible, and there’s only of one of me, unfortunately” I answer. “I didn’t know you even knew about this project. Did Alice mention it?”

“Oh no, not Alice” he waves his hand dismissively, looking away. “I was wondering, would you like a break? You look like you could use one, and I was just about to get something to eat. Would you like to join me?”

Hmm. I really should eat something, but I don’t know if my stomach is going to let me. I should at least try, right? And if I can’t… well I was going to have to talk to Dr. Xu today anyway. Maybe he’ll have some suggestions.

“Sure, ok. Just a quick break though, I’m nearly finished with this. I’d like to be done by this evening.”

“Sure, sure, not a problem!” he says excitedly, a satisfied grin on his face. He’s definitely up to something, but I don’t know what. Shouldn’t be too hard to figure out, though. He’s fairly transparent.

I scoot across the roof carefully towards the ladder and start to make my way down, hoping I don’t get dizzy again. I manage to make it to the bottom with everything intact, sending a silent thank you to my body for cooperating with me today. 

“Shall we?” he offers, pointing towards The Round Table.

I give him a smile. It’s nice to be around someone who isn’t going through the same shit I am right now. Refreshing, even. His cheerfulness has me feeling a little better already.

“Sure, let’s go!”

We make the short walk over to The Round Table together and step through the door. We’re greeted by glorious air conditioning and I breathe a sigh of relief. 

“Ah… that’s better.”

Dr. Xu laughs. “I thought so. You’ll get heat stroke if you’re not careful, Hana. You’re really flushed, and it’s so hot out today.”

“I know, I know. I’m just anxious to get this project done, you know?”

We take a seat at a table near the door, and he looks at me carefully over the brim of his glasses, observing me in his doctorly fashion despite not being in an appointment. I concentrate on staring at my menu. I have no idea what would be gentle on my stomach.

“You need to take care of yourself first, you know. I know your type. Always giving everyone else your time and effort but never leaving enough for yourself.”

I look up at him from my menu, a sheepish grin plastered across my face. I don’t have time to defend myself before Django comes up to the table with water, ready take our orders. 

“Hello! Good to see you in today! Sure is a hot one. What can I get you?” he smiles down at us, setting the pitcher of water on the table.

“Oh, I think I’ll do some Sauteed Ribs today, if you’d be so kind.” Dr. Xu says cheerfully, not bothering to look at the menu.

“Sure thing! For you, Hana?”

I hesitate. I know I need to eat. I just don’t know what I can handle right now. What can I do that won’t make it obvious I’m not feeling well?

“Um… do you have anything sort of light, Django? I think something mild would be best today.” I look straight at Django when I ask, but I can feel Dr. Xu staring at me from across the table. He must know something’s up.

Django scratches his chin and thinks for a second. “How about a Fruit Salad? That’s about as easy on the stomach as it gets I think” he suggests with a nod.

That doesn’t sound too bad, actually. I smile and nod at him. “That sounds great, thank you.”

“Coming right up!” he says, jogging back to the front of restaurant.

“So... something mild huh? Feeling a little under the weather today, Hana?” Dr. Xu asks innocently.

Well, no use beating around the bush now. I think I know what happened, too. I should’ve guessed as much.

“…how much do you know, Xu?” I ask, staring him down while trying to maintain a blank expression.

He feigns confusion and raises his eyebrows at me. “I’m not sure what you mean, Hana.”

I grimace at him. He’s a terrible liar. “It was Arlo, wasn’t it? He told you I wasn’t feeling well before he left. How much did he tell you?”

The look on Dr. Xu’s face is comparable to a kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. 

“Well… that is… ok, fine. Yes. He told me you hadn’t been feeling the best and that it was unlikely you’d come to me on your own to get it checked out. He requested that if you didn’t show up to talk to me by this morning to come find you myself.” He looks rather embarrassed at being discovered.

“I’m sorry, Dr. Xu” I sigh. “He shouldn’t have asked you to do that.”

“No no, it’s fine Hana, I’m happy to do it. This sort of thing happens more often than you think. Especially with builders. They don’t know when to quit and make themselves sick. Arlo was very worried that you’d get worse while he was away. I understand he tends to have to force you to take breaks when you’re unwell.”

I look down at the table, feeling guilty that Arlo clearly can’t trust me to take good care of myself while he’s away. I’ll have to fix that.

“I mean, yeah. I tend to power through things. I swear I was going to come talk to you today though! Really! I just wanted to finish the roof first, is all.”

Dr. Xu smiles kindly at me. “It’s ok, Hana. We can just have a chat here, if you’d like. I understand not everyone likes the sterility of a clinic environment.”

Django walks over with our food, setting the plates gently down in front of us with a smile. “There we are! Let me know if there’s anything else I can do for you.”

We thank him, and he strides over to the next table. Dr. Xu looks at me patiently, waiting for me to say something instead of digging into his food right away. 

I poke at my fruit salad with my fork, pushing the pieces around, nervous to try to eat any. I spear a grape and pop it into my mouth. Delicious as usual. At least I know I can still eat grapes.

“So…” Dr. Xu starts, “Arlo said you’d been feeling dizzy. Said you attributed it to a lack of food, but he suspected it was something else. Have you had any other symptoms pop up? Has the dizziness gotten worse?”

I sigh, putting my fork down and leaning my chin on my hand. “Yeah. I’ve had a few more… severe dizzy spells since then. And I threw up yesterday. Haven’t really been able to eat much since.”

“And you’re up on a roof working in the heat? Good grief, Hana…” he shakes his head. Instant guilt washes over me. When someone else puts it so plainly it’s hard to ignore how badly I’m taking care of myself.

“I know, I know it’s not smart. But I said I would take on this project myself. Alice and Jack need their home back. And it’s been a nice distraction from this whole situation with Arlo…” I trail off, staring into my fruit salad.

Dr. Xu looks at me thoughtfully for a minute. “Hana, Arlo did also mention there was a possibility of… well…” He looks around to check that no one is listening in and lowers his voice to a whisper. “Is there any chance that you’re pregnant, Hana?” 

There it is. The thought I’ve been avoiding since last night. My eyes fill with tears and I cover my face so no one can see. 

“I… I’ve been trying not to think about it… with him gone. It’s too much.” My voice sounds muffled and clearly betrays my distress.

“Ah… I see.” He pauses for a minute, thinking over the situation. “Would you like to know for sure? I can treat you better that way.”

“NO! No no no, not with him away. I just can’t! I need him to come back, I promised him…” I lift my head from my hands, my voice shaking.

“Well, it’s against policy for me as a doctor to prescribe you anything without knowing for sure what condition you’re in…” he sighs, looking me in the eye. “But… we don’t happen to be in a clinic right now. And I’m on my lunch break. So as a friend, I can tell you that ginger and mint teas are going to be your best bet for any nausea you might be experiencing.”

I smile gratefully at him, wiping the unshed tears from my eyes. “Thank you, Xu. I appreciate it.”

He looks at me sternly. “You’re welcome. But I want you off that roof as soon as possible, you hear me? If you are… you know. A hot roof is no place for you at all. Especially with frequent dizzy spells.”

I nod enthusiastically. “I know, I understand. I’m almost finished, I promise. I only have a few rows of shingles left and it’s all done!”

“Good” he nods, picking up his napkin and tying it around his neck, finally digging in to his lunch. 

I smile, picking my fork up as well and spearing a piece of pineapple this time. Tasty. Seems fruit is pretty safe for now. 

A thought occurs to me as we eat in silence, and I lean in across the table to whisper to him.

“Hey, I know this isn’t an official doctor’s visit, but could you keep this a secret? There’s only a few people that know about our… family planning situation, and I’d like to keep it that way for now. Especially with Arlo gone. Plus, I’m… still not ready to deal with this. Not now.”

He nods, swallowing a large mouthful of ribs. “Of course, Hana. I won’t tell a soul. I will be putting this in your medical record though.”

“Thank you” I breathe a sigh of relief. One thing I can count on is doctor-patient confidentially from Dr. Xu, at least.

We finish our lunch and I insist on paying for him. It’s the least I can do for his help today. 

He stands from the table and stretches. “Well! Thanks for the nice lunch! I wish you luck on the rest of the roof today. Don’t forget to take as many breaks as you need and stay hydrated!” he says, his doctorly tone ringing across the restaurant. 

“Of course!” I smile, standing from the table too. We head towards the door and step back out into the heat. Going from the cool, air-conditioned building out into the blazing hot sun radiating off the paving stones feels especially miserable right now. 

“Oof… the sooner I finish the sooner I can get out of this heat” I say, shielding my eyes against the sun. I should’ve brought sunglasses today.

Dr. Xu puts his hand on my shoulder, and I turn to look at him.

“Hana. If you change your mind… well. You know where to find me. Ok?” He looks very serious. 

I nod, just as seriously. “Thank you. I’ll keep that in mind.” I have no intention of taking any sort of pregnancy test while Arlo’s away. But it’s nice to know I’d have medical support if I needed it.

“Ok. As long as you know the option is there” he says, letting his hand fall from my shoulder. “I’d better get back to work. I’ll see you around, Hana.” He waves and turns to stroll back towards the clinic. 

“See you later!” I wave back, starting the short walk back to Alice’s house. I arrive and stare up at the roof with a sigh. The sooner I get back up there the sooner the roof will be done. It’s not going to finish itself.

\------

It’s about 7pm when I knock on Nora’s apartment door. I’ve only ever been here once to make a commission delivery. After I discovered she had a thing for Arlo I stopped taking her commissions. Not for petty reasons or anything. It was just too awkward.

I rock nervously back and forth on my heels, waiting for someone to answer. Soon enough I hear footsteps on the other side of the door, and the knob turns. Nora opens the door a crack, sees it’s me and opens it further in confusion. 

“Oh… hi Hana. What I can do for you? I wasn’t expecting to see you today.”

“Hey Nora. Sorry to bother you… um… is Alice here, by chance? I finished the repairs to her house today.” I sound nervous. Why am I nervous?

“Oh, that’s wonderful! She actually just stepped out, but she should be back soon. Why don’t you come in?” she offers, opening the door all the way and gesturing inside. 

There’s nothing I would like to do less at this particular moment, but I’m not about to be an asshole to her for no reason. It’s just Nora. She’s nice. She is not a threat to me or my relationship. 

I step inside and the first thing I notice is how nicely decorated her place is. Definitely puts my homemaking skills to shame. 

To my relief, Jack is sitting on one of her couches, reading a book. “Hey, Jack! I got your house all finished up tonight! You should be able to go back whenever you want!”

He looks up at me and smiles but doesn’t look quite as enthusiastic as I expected. “Wow, thanks! That was really fast.” A fleeting look of anxiety crosses his face before he buries his nose in his book again. So much for that.

“Would you like some tea, Hana?” Nora offers, stepping into the room from the kitchen. 

“Ah, no thanks Nora. I don’t want to take up too much of your time” I say, awkwardly waving my hands in front of me. 

“Are you sure? It’s no trouble” she says, tilting her head like a puppy, her long braid swishing out from behind her. I wonder how long it is when it’s not braided? 

“I’m sure. Thank you, though.” Why does she have to be so… pleasant? I wish I could dislike her. Maybe it would make the guilt of taking Arlo from her a little easier to deal with…

Arlo’s voice rings in my head, assuring me that he never had feelings for Nora. I didn’t take him from her. He was never hers. He loves ME, not her. She’s not a threat, she never was. There’s no need to feel guilty or jealous.

I take a deep breath to calm my nerves and sit down in an overstuffed armchair. Nora walks in with a cup of tea for herself and sits on the couch next to Jack. We sit in tense silence for a few minutes. I stare around the room, at the ceiling, the floor, anything to keep from looking at her or encouraging conversation. I’m a fucking coward.

Nora clears her throat and I reluctantly look over at her, dreading whatever sort of conversation she’s about to start.

“So… um… you haven’t heard anything about how the Eufaula Tunnel mission is going have you?” she asks timidly, staring into her tea.

Ah. Of course. She wants to know about Arlo. I should’ve figured.

“Yeah, they… well I can’t say much. But if all goes well they should be back tomorrow” I say stiffly, not wanting to give away too much. I don’t know what I’m allowed to tell people. 

“Oh… good.” She looks a little disappointed at the lack of details. I know how she feels. The seconds tick by with more silence between us.

“I… I talked to him today. For a little bit, over the radio” I say, not entirely sure what’s making me divulge this information. Nora looks up at me, surprised, but eager to hear what I have to say. “He… he sounded really tired” I finish sadly. I have nothing else to say. I don’t know where I was going with that.

Nora looks back down at her tea. “I’m sure he must be exhausted. I don’t know what they have to do, but I know it was serious mission. You must be so worried. I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be. He’s doing what he loves to do.” I look down at my feet and notice I tracked dirt in on her fluffy yellow rug. Good job, Hana. 

This entire situation is so uncomfortable. I wish I was literally anywhere else right now. Why isn’t Alice back yet?

I can see Nora observing me thoughtfully from the corner of my eye. “It’s true he loves his job. But I’m sure he’s eager to get back home to you. You mean the world to him, you know. More than any mission.”

I look up at her, surprised by her sincerity. “I…” 

My words are stuck in my throat. I really don’t know how to respond to that.

She flushes a little under my confused gaze, turning away. “He’s told me how much you mean to him, you know. And anyone who sees the way he looks at you can tell how much he loves you.” She smiles sadly, but there’s no bitterness there. 

She looks back at me, her face earnest. “I hope I can find that with someone someday. I can tell the two of you were meant to be together. I… I want you know there’s no hard feelings.”

I’m such a stupid, jealous asshole. Why did Arlo pick me over this absolute cupcake of a person?

“You’re too nice for you own good, Nora. You know that?” I smile at her with what I hope is a kind expression.

She smirks at me. “You’re not the first person to tell me that, believe it or not.” She takes a sip of her tea as Alice finally walks in the front door. 

“I’m back!” she calls from the entrance.

“We’re in here!” Nora calls back.

I stand from my chair to greet Alice. I still don’t want to linger very much here, I’m so tired.

“Oh, Hana! I didn’t expect to see you here, what’s up?” Alice asks as she steps into the room.

“I just dropped by to let you know your house is all finished. I swept it out the best I could, but it still might need some floor polish and a few coats of paint on the walls. Let me know if you’d like help with that at all, I’d be happy to lend a hand.”

She looks shocked. “Wow, it’s finished? Already?” Happy tears form in her eyes when I nod in confirmation. She springs forward to hug me, bouncing up and down. “Thank you thank you thank you! I can’t believe it! I’m so excited! Isn’t this great Jack?”

Jack looks up from his book slightly and gives a pained smile. I’m guessing he’s not quite ready to face what happened there yet. Alice seems to catch on to this too.

“I think we’ll move back in the morning, it’s gotten pretty late today. Sound good?” she asks him, releasing me from her chokehold of a hug. He looks relieved at her suggestion. 

“Yeah. That’s fine” he says, burying his nose back in the book again.

“Well, I should really get going, I’ve had a long day” I yawn, more than ready to kick my boots off and relax. 

“Oh, of course! Let me walk you out” Alice beams at me. 

“Bye, Nora. Thanks for the company” I wave.

“Sure thing, Hana. Don’t be a stranger” she waves back with a smile. 

Alice walks me all the way down to the outside of the apartment, stopping just outside the door. “Thank you again, Hana. Thank you so, so much. I’ll never forget this.” She gives me another hug and I pat her back comfortingly. 

“Think nothing of it, Alice. It was my pleasure.” I pause for second, thinking of Jack. “Say… I don’t want to step out of line here, but it might be worth taking Jack to have a chat with Phyllis. It seems like he might have some trauma associated with the house. She might be able to help him work through it.”

She lets me go and sighs, adjusting her glasses absentmindedly. “Yeah, I was thinking that myself. I’m glad you said something, I was hoping I wasn’t just imagining things. I’ll take him to see her tomorrow before we move our stuff back over.”

“That’s a good idea” I say, unsuccessfully stifling a yawn. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, I’ll let you get going, I don’t want to keep you after working so hard today. Have a good night Hana, ok?” she waves, turning back towards the door. “And thanks again!”

“No worries, Alice. Let me know if you have any questions about the new roof or if you need any help ok? Goodnight!”

“Sure thing. Goodnight!” she says, walking through the door.

I turn and start walking back home but stop at the fountain in the Plaza. I just remembered Sam said she was going to come find me today after she and Remi finished that paperwork, but she never did. Maybe it just got too late and she called it a night?

I turn to look up the hill towards the Civil Corps Headquarters, but I can’t see anything but trees. They wouldn’t disobey a direct order from Gale, would they? My brain tells me they wouldn’t. But my heart is telling me I need to go check. 

I grit my teeth, making my decision, and start my way up the hill towards Headquarters. I’ll just pop in quick and make sure they’re there. Then I’ll go home. For all I know Sam’s upset with me for siding with Gale this morning and I’ll need to apologize. Ugh.

I reach the top of the hill and see that both Teddy and Arrow are snoozing away in the stable. I feel relieved for a second but realize my friends are smarter than to use their own horses if they wanted to take off without being noticed. 

I stride over to the front door and push it open gently.

The lights are on. That’s a good sign, I think. Remi’s desk is stacked high with paperwork. No telling how much of it is done and how much of it needs doing, though. Neither of them are on the main floor. Maybe they did leave and left the lights on to avoid suspicion?

I hear a light tinkling of glass coming from upstairs. I look up and notice the door to Remi’s room is wide open, light spilling out of it. I quickly climb the stairs and pray he’s in there.

I cross the threshold into the room and see a sight I definitely wasn’t expecting. Remi and Sam are both in the room, drunkenly sprawled on the floor and surrounded by dozens of empty bottles of who knows what kind of booze. By the looks of it they’ve been at it for hours.

“HANAAAAA!” Sam shouts excitedly, an empty bottle clutched in her gloved fist. “There ya’are! I was jus’ gonna come look fer’ya!”

Wow. She’s much worse than she was the other night.

“You said that hooouuurs ago Sammy” Remi giggles.

Sam looks in his direction angrily, but I doubt she can actually see him. “I TOLDJA not to call me that, dipshit!”

Remi only giggles in response. 

“You guys… what the fuck happened here?” I ask, truly unsure what to do.

“BOOZE, duh!” Sam giggles. Good grief. 

“Yes, I can see that. But why? You said you were trying to keep off it for now.”

“I know what I said… turns out I jus’ didn’t care today!” she says, sloppily crossing her arms over her chest on the floor. 

“Sorry, Hanny. Don’t tell Arlo, k? Promise?” Remi rolls his head over to look up at me with big puppy eyes.

“Oh, he’d be soooo mad, Rem… what’re we gonna tell him if he comes back??” Sam says, looking fearful of the idea of Arlo’s wrath. 

“You guys, don’t talk like that…” I start, but Sam interrupts me.

“I’ll talk however I fuckin want!” she says, jabbing the air angrily towards me. “Arlo’s in trouble an’ you idiots won’t let us help’im!”

“Sam… you know it’s not that simple.” Reasoning with people as drunk as Sam and Remi are is the equivalent of trying to teach a snail math equations, but here I am. I’m seriously regretting coming to check on them.

“Don’t you trust Arlo’s judgement? He said no one should come after them. They’ve managed this far, I think they’ll be ok.” I don’t know if I fully believe that myself, but what else am I going to say to them right now?

Remi moans and rolls over, banging his forehead against the floor a few times in frustration. “Hanaaaa… you don’t even know… you don’t know the worst parts Hanny! Not jus’ variants they’re fightin’, they-”

Sam launches her body over to Remi with more speed than I thought possible for a drunk person and slaps her hands over his mouth. 

“SHUDDUP YA MORON! Ya wanna get us fired?? She’s not allowed t’know!” she yells. A muffled “sorry” comes from Remi and he looks mortified that he almost revealed top secret mission information.

I look sadly down at them. My heart feels like ripped up, soggy tissue paper at this point. Vitriol bubbles up from the depths of my exhausted brain. I have no more patience for their behavior right now.

I end up speaking in a sort of angry hiss at them, and it startles them enough to pay full attention. 

“You know… I think I’m glad I don’t know everything about this mission if it means I’d end up the way you two are right now. A lot of fucking good you’re doing the people of Portia. Arlo would be so proud.”

Without another word I walk out of the room, down the stairs, and out the front door. I hear Sam drunkenly yell my name before the door closes, but I don’t bother stopping. I take off at a run down the hill, my throat feeling tight and my eyes burning.

I’m already sort of regretting what I said. I didn’t need to be so hurtful, they’re clearly suffering too. But I can’t find it in myself to care very much at this second.

I had thought the variants were the part of the mission Arlo kept from me before. I thought there weren’t any more surprises. I was wrong. They’re facing something else in there. Something they apparently can’t even mention over the radio check-ins, or Frank would’ve said something about it. 

What the fuck is so horrible that it reduced two of the toughest people I know to drinking themselves into oblivion?

I don’t want to know. I don’t.

What I do know now is that Arlo is not going to come back from this mission the same as he left. If he comes back at all. I was feeling so much better after hearing his voice this morning. Now I’m thinking it may have been the last time.

I sprint through Peach Plaza, wiping at the tears burning in my eyes, focused on getting home. My feet hurt from being in my boots all day, but I ignore it.

I burst through the front gate and stop in my tracks. Scraps is curled up on the welcome mat, waiting for me to let him in. He came back.

Full on sobbing, I run over to him, kneeling down and scooping him into my arms in a hug I’m sure is too tight. But he doesn’t fuss, letting me cry into his soft fur. Something about a dog is more comforting than people sometimes.

I let him go after a few minutes and open the front door, sniffling and wiping my eyes with my sleeve. Scraps bounds happily inside, settling down in an armchair near the fireplace. Pinky regards him with indifference and goes back to sleep. She doesn’t even glance at me. She always did prefer Arlo.

I drag my tired body inside, kick off my boots and walk to the bedroom. I make a beeline for the record player and turn it on to play Arlo’s favorite song again, hoping it’ll calm me down. At least I have this. A small piece of him. 

I don’t even bother changing out of my clothes before falling into bed on top of the covers. I notice I left the lights on. Then I realize I don’t really care. 

Arlo’s song ends.

I’m not asleep.

I don’t think it’s possible to sleep tonight.


	13. Unthinkable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Thank you thank you for your patience in waiting for this chapter! Life has been kicking the crap out of me lately and I just haven't been able to make writing a priority. Sorry about that! I hope you enjoy this chapter! It was a tough one to write, for several reasons. 😶 As always, let me know your thoughts! I always enjoy reading them. 😘

I lay in bed all night in the irritating phase of consciousness where I’m not quite awake but not quite asleep either. My brain spins, no longer able to keep up with everything that’s happened in the last week and refusing to process it.

A rooster sounds in the distance. The clock says 5am. I should probably get up. Shower. Eat. Even the thought of doing my simple morning routine overwhelms me right now though. Maybe I’ll just settle for pulling back the covers first.

I throw them back with conviction, trying to encourage my body to get up. The covers are off me for maybe 5 seconds before I pull them back up over my shoulders. Nope. Not ready yet.

I doze off for maybe another half hour before I try again. My skin prickles in the cooler air as I try to force myself up, managing to prop myself up on my elbows. The bed is just so warm, though… and comfortable. And outside of it is just… not.

I let my body fall back down, head thumping against the pillow. I’m safe here. Relatively. As long as no one comes knocking I’m safe.

…I do need to go to the morning meeting though. I really, REALLY don’t want to. As much as I love my friends, I don’t want to see Sam or Remi right now. I owe them an apology for being so short with them last night, but the other part of my brain that knows I was justified in being angry isn’t ready to apologize yet.

Scraps startles me by jumping up onto the bed to lick my face. He must need to go out. I’ll have to install a doggy door if he’s planning on staying for good.

“Hey, buddy” I whisper, scratching him behind the ears. My voice is hoarse and my throat is sore. I need water. 

With a groan I force myself to sit up, Scraps wagging his tail happily at me. I’m a little bit dizzy at first, but it passes quickly. I hear the beginnings of rain patter against the bedroom window.

I stand and trudge over, peering blearily out. It’s still too dark to see much of anything. The sun would usually start to peek over the horizon by now, so it must be fairly cloudy. Seems like the morning is going to match my mood for the day.

I catch a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror across the room and remember I’m still wearing yesterday’s clothes. Not super smart of me considering how dirty and sweaty I got yesterday. With a grimace I realize I’m going to need to wash the bedsheets before Arlo gets home.

But… if he doesn’t come back and I wash the sheets they won’t smell like him anymore, and…

I’ll wait to wash them until tonight. After he’s back.

I let Scraps out the front door and walk into the bathroom to get cleaned up, but only manage to stare hazily at myself in the mirror for 20 minutes. Christ I’m useless. 

I finally brush my teeth and splash some water on my face with a sigh. I’ve had little bouts of depression here and there. Everyone does. But this feels very different. Full blown depression doesn’t set in so quickly, does it? How does depression even work? Is it different for everyone? Is that even what’s going on with me right now?

I don’t fucking know. My brain is tired. That’s the only thing I’m truly sure of right now. Well… that, and I look like I got run over by a bus. Maybe I should take my own advice and go talk to Phyllis.

But first thing’s first. Water. Maybe some food. And the meeting. I open the kitchen cupboards for a glass and realize I haven’t done any dishes since Arlo left. There’s not a single clean glass in the house. I could wash one I guess, but… it’s kind of the last thing I want to do right now. I settle for gulping down some tap water from the sink. 

I haven’t eaten anything since lunch with Dr. Xu yesterday, and I’m definitely hungry, even though I don’t feel like eating. I check the fridge for some fruit, since I know I was able to keep that down yesterday. All I find is a solitary moldy orange in the bottom drawer. There goes that idea. 

I toss the gross orange in the trash and decide to attempt some toast again before remembering I threw all my bread out yesterday. Dammit. Guess I’ll have to stop by Martha’s and hope she has something that doesn’t turn my stomach. 

With that in mind I head back to the bedroom to change out of yesterday’s grimy clothes. I throw on an old t-shirt of Arlo’s and my favorite blue jacket, pairing them with a pair of khaki utility pants that stop just past my calves. I’m not sure how warm it is out, but if it’s raining I’d like to be covered at least a little.

I already feel better in fresh clothes. A shower probably would’ve helped even more, but I just don’t have the energy for that right now.

Figuring this is the best it’s going to get, I grab an umbrella and head into town. I don’t care much for the umbrella hats everyone else tends to use. I think it’s a Portia thing. We never wore them in Barnarock. 

I stroll my way slowly through the rain across Peach Plaza. Not many people are out and about right now. It’s only 7:30 though, some folks are probably still in bed. Martha won’t be though. I’m sure she works crazy hours in order to run a whole bakery on her own.

I pass Alice’s flower shop and notice her sign propped up sideways against the building behind her stand. I’d forgotten it had fallen during the explosion’s aftershocks. I’ll have to come around and fix that soon. Not today though. I need a break.

I make it to Martha’s Bakery just after 8am. Just as suspected, there’s Martha, standing dutifully outside in a striped umbrella hat, selling her pastries. She notices me approaching and gives me a polite wave. 

“Good morning, Hana! It’s a little wet for a morning walk, don’t you think?” she asks with a smile, a touch of motherly concern in her voice. 

“I don’t mind the rain, honestly” I answer. “I’ve been so busy I haven’t had time to get any groceries. I didn’t have a thing in the house for breakfast. Do you happen to have anything with fruit in it? I think I’ve seen you selling Fruit Tarts here before, right?”

“Oh, sure! I’ve got cherry or blueberry today. Which would you like?”

“Oh… why not one of each? I’m feeling indulgent today” I joke, handing over the money for them. I’m not sure I’ll be able to eat both of them, but I can always save one for later.

She nods and wraps up one of each flavor for me, handing them over in a little brown bag with a warm smile.

“Thanks very much Hana! You have yourself a good day ok? I’m sure you’re looking forward to Arlo getting home tonight. Tell him I say hi!” she waves.

I feel my face twist into a strained smile and nod at her, turning quickly away and walking back towards Peach Plaza. At least she wasn’t looking at me with the pity she had from a few days ago… I don’t think I could stand more of that right now.

It’s still too early for the check-in meeting. Maybe I’ll just walk around town for a while, find somewhere to eat my breakfast. I don’t feel like going back home.

I let my feet carry me where they will, not really paying much attention. My brain is so fried it’s functioning on autopilot for the most part now. 

I find myself at the Church of the Light for some reason. I don’t usually attend service, but they don’t mind people dropping in should they want to. It would give me a place to eat breakfast out of the rain. And if I ended up here there’s probably a reason, right?

I walk up the small flight of stairs and pause to close my umbrella before I go in. Even through the rain I can hear piano music coming from inside. Nora must be practicing this morning. I don’t want to disturb her… but maybe this will be a chance to strengthen our relationship a little bit after she was so nice to me last night.

I push the door open and step inside. Sure enough, Nora is sitting at the piano, poring over sheet music I don’t think I’d be able to read in a million years. She hears the door close loudly behind me and jumps, hand flying to her heart in surprise.

“Sorry Nora! It’s just me, I didn’t mean to startle you! I can leave if you need me to…” I say quickly, ready to make a hasty exit.

She relaxes, smiling and waving a hand at me. “Oh, no no, it’s fine Hana, come on in! I just wasn’t expecting anyone this time of morning. Is there something I can help you with?”

“Oh, not really, no. I just… sort of wound up here after buying my breakfast” I explain, holding up my pastry bag. “Is it ok if I eat these in here before my meeting? I just wanted to get out of the rain, and… well frankly I needed to get out of the house for a while.”

She smiles kindly at me, nodding and gesturing to the rows of seats inside the church. “Make yourself at home! Everyone is welcome here. No explanations needed.” She turns back to her sheet music, marking places here and there with a small pencil.

I pick a seat towards the middle of the church and sit, digging through my bag for a pastry. Cherry first, I think. 

I sit there for a while, slowly eating my pastries and listening to Nora play through her piece, stopping occasionally to make notes. 

To my surprise, I was actually hungry enough to eat both pastries, but I continue to sit there for a while after I’ve finished. I find I rather enjoy listening to Nora practice. I’ve always liked piano music.

Suddenly getting the urge to make conversation, I remember something I’d thought about briefly last night in her living room.

“Say, uh, Nora? I don’t know if I ever thanked you for playing at our wedding ceremony. You did a wonderful job. I don’t think the day would have been as memorable without it.” 

I genuinely mean that, too. Despite my complicated feelings towards her at the time, I remember thinking how gorgeous the piece she’d chosen was for the ceremony. It was truly lovely.

She looks surprised and blushes a little, turning back towards the piano to stare at the keys under her fingers.

“Oh, that’s very kind of you. It was my pleasure. I wanted to get the two of you a gift, but… due to the circumstances at the time I wasn’t sure what would be appropriate. I thought providing a service would be a nice gesture.”

“It was, it was such a beautiful piece. Thank you. We both loved it” I smile at her. My face feels a little stiff, having not really smiled at all in the last week. I hope it doesn’t look forced. I clear my throat quickly, moving on.

“Could you tell me who this current piece is by? I’ve never heard it before, but it’s beautiful. I’d love to find a record of it in the ruins.”

“O-oh, well, you might have some trouble doing that” she laughs nervously. “This piece is actually by me. I haven’t finished it yet.”

“Wow, what!? Really? I had no idea you were that talented Nora, it’s gorgeous! You’ll have to let me know when it’s finished so I can listen to the whole thing!”

Nora laughs. It sounds like wind chimes in a summer breeze and a pang of jealousy hits me. My laugh sounds like a goblin with a bad case of the hiccups. How is she so effortlessly lovely?

“I’ll let you know, Hana, promise! You and Arlo can be my test audience. I know how he loves classical. He actually encouraged me to start this piece in the first place” she muses.

I smile sadly, looking down at my hands, crumpled brown bag pinched between them. “Yeah. That’s sounds like something he’d do.”

She pauses and watches me for a few seconds, tilting her head to one side. “I know it doesn’t feel like it right now. But everything will work out. I know you’ll see him again.”

I feel my face pinch as I look back up at her. “How could you possibly know something like that?”

“Well…” she looks back at her music thoughtfully. “I guess I don’t. I just have a feeling, is all.”

“For his sake, I hope you’re right.”

I take a glance at my watch, now ready to leave no matter what time it might be. Thankfully it’s 9:40. Just about time for the check-in. I stand and stretch, twisting my torso to crack my back. 

“Thanks for the company Nora. It’s about time for the meeting, so I’m gonna head out. Good luck with the music!” I wave, walking towards the door. 

“Ok, Hana. I’ll see you later.”

I open the door step outside with my umbrella. As I pull the door shut behind me I hear her again, but just barely, her voice only slightly above a whisper.

“Good luck to you too.”

\------

Shaking the water off my umbrella, I quickly close it up and hurry inside Gale’s office.

“Ah, right on time Hana! Have a seat.”

“Morning, Gale.”

Immediately I notice that Sam and Remi are absent. I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if their hangovers make them late. I take my seat and hope they show up soon.

“Say you wouldn’t happen to know where our remaining Civil Corps members are would you? They’re usually on time for these types of things” Gale asks, clearly worried that they defied his orders and took off after Arlo yesterday.

I debate telling him exactly what happened. He’s their boss, technically. And they’re definitely not doing what they need to as soldiers right now. But the circumstance isn’t exactly typical.

“Right now, no, I don’t. I did see them last night though, at Headquarters. They were… celebrating finishing a bunch of paperwork. They may be slightly indisposed this morning. I don’t know exactly how much they… celebrated. I didn’t stay.” I look away, hoping I haven’t said too much, but just enough for him to get the hint of it. 

“Ah… celebrating… right” he says, skepticism clear. “Well, the report will come in whether they’re here or not. Should be any minute now.”

…

Ten minutes pass. No big deal. They were late yesterday too. Probably just needed to find a good spot to call in before they leave the tunnel.

…

A half hour has passed. It’s probably still fine. They were about 40 minutes late yesterday. It’s fine. Sam and Remi still aren’t here.

So Gale and I sit there, waiting. And waiting. Just like yesterday, I keep my eyes fixed to the clock on the wall. We don’t talk. At some point Gale started doing paperwork at his desk to make some use of his time. I’m not under any delusions that I’d be able to focus on anything else right now, so I continue to sit there, motionless.

After 2 hours my neck is stiff and sore from staring at the clock. I’m wishing Sam was here now so I could hold her hand again, even though I’m still irritated with her. I’m starting to worry about her and Remi now too, as if I didn’t have enough to think about.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Gale look up from his paperwork and check the clock with a sigh. I can hear his legs bouncing nervously under his desk. He straightens up a little in his chair, clearing his throat. 

“Well Hana, there’s no point in you waiting around here I don’t think. It’s past noon now, and the team was instructed to continue their mission as usual if they miss their morning check-in. They’ll call when they’re able with anything they deem important.”

Gale’s voice is steady and even, but he can’t hide the worry I can see on his face when I finally turn to look at him.

“Something’s wrong, Gale. Maybe we should’ve let Sam and Remi go yesterday after all…” I hear myself say. My voice sounds too loud in my ears.

“No Hana, Arlo was very clear about that. All we can do right now is wait for a call or wait for them to get back tonight. It’s in their hands now” Gale says, rubbing at one of his temples tiredly.

“Shouldn’t we at least contact Mali?”

“No Hana, I guarantee she would tell us the exact same thing.”

“But… Gale please, I-”

“I’m sorry Hana, but no. That’s final.”

I pinch my lips together, not sure what would come out if I allowed myself to keep talking. I slowly stand from my chair, realizing my neck isn’t the only part of me that’s stiff from sitting still so long. 

“I’ll let you know as soon as I hear anything, ok? I promise.”

I say nothing. I give a curt nod and stride quickly out the door.

Something is wrong. Something is very, very wrong. I need to find Sam and Remi. Now. I don’t care if I have to drag their sorry asses out into the rain to wake them up. I need to let them know what’s happening.

I realize I left my umbrella sitting against the chair in Gale’s office, but I don’t care. I sprint through the rain up to Headquarters and burst through the front door.

“SAM! REMINGTON! Wake up!” I yell, dripping water all over the wooden floor. When I don’t hear so much as a stir, I fly across the main level and take the stairs to Remi’s room two at time. His door is slightly ajar, and I bust it open, intending to bring down my righteous, anxiety-fueled fury on them both. 

But the room is empty. All the bottles that were strewn across the floor last night are in a garbage bag sitting against the nearest wall. Remi’s bed is made, and his boots are gone. 

What the fuck? If they’re not here, why didn’t they show at the meeting? I run back down the stairs and back out the front door. A quick glance at the stable shows me that both Teddy and Arrow are gone. 

What day is it again? Wednesday? Do they have patrol today or something? Did they oversleep the meeting and figure they missed it, so they didn’t come? What’s happening right now?

I clutch my head in my hands, overwhelmed and quickly developing a headache. What do I do? Do I really have no choice but to wait? Everyone keeps telling me I need to wait…

No, I need to look for them. I’m fucking sick of waiting. But where do I even start?

Sam’s house. Maybe they stopped by so Sam could change clothes or something. I take off at a run down the hill, not willing to waste any more time. Water is getting in my eyes and making it hard to see, but I keep going.

I get to Sam’s in record time, pounding loudly on the door. “SAM! SAM, YOU THERE?”

No answer. I try again, yelling louder. “SAM! ANSWER ME!”

Still nothing. Shit shit shit.

Wiping water off my face with my sleeve, I run back towards Peach Plaza. Maybe they’re patrolling the harbor? I think I vaguely remember Remi saying something about a new patrol route starting soon before this whole mess happened.

Running, running, past the plaza entrance. I could take the Dee Dee down there, but I’m not patient enough to wait for one to stop right now. What if I miss them while I’m waiting?

My lungs are starting to burn. I haven’t been going on enough runs with Arlo, obviously. My stomach churns uncomfortably for a few seconds, but I ignore it. 

I run past the house, barely glancing into the yard. I catch a glimpse of Pinky sitting in the window, the stable next to the house sheltering two blobs of pink and white.

I skid to a complete stop, nearly falling face first in the mud. I run back slightly, looking at the stable again and my heart stops.

Annabelle?

Annabelle is in the stable with Mr. Fuzz, resting on the ground.

I burst through the front gate, heart soaring, intense relief and adrenaline surging through my body and mind. 

He’s home he’s home he’s home!

I nearly knock down the door as I run inside. “ARLO! Arlo I’m so happy you’re home, where are you!?” I pant, trying to catch my breath. I jog over to the bedroom, expecting to see him sitting on the bed or changing his clothes, but he’s not there. The bathroom looks the way I left it this morning too.

Room by room, I check the whole house, calling for him. Nothing. He’s not here. 

Maybe he stopped at Headquarters first? Wait no, at the rate I ran here I would’ve seen him on the way, I was just up there. Maybe he went to Gale’s office to give a report?

I jog back out the front door intending to go see Gale again, but am immediately intercepted by Annabelle outside the door, neighing and whinnying frantically at me.

“Whoa, whoa girl! What’s wrong?” I try to comfort the horse, grabbing her reins and patting her neck soothingly, but she continues to buck and shake her head at me. I’ve never seen her so riled up before. She’s breathing heavily and her flanks are frothy with sweat.

“It’s ok, I’ll be right back. You go rest with Mr. Fuzz for now” I tell her, trying to move past her again.

Instead she blocks me with her whole body, nearly knocking me over with the saddle bag. 

“What the fuck, Annabelle? What’s gotten into you?” Was the mission that hard for her too?

She neighs loudly at me in response and tries to bump me with the saddle bag again.

“Do you want me to take the saddle off? Is that it? I’m sure you’re tired of wearing it. Here, just a second.” I move to undo the saddle bag’s straps first, but then I actually look at the saddle bag in front of me. A sleeve is hanging out of the bag. 

Arlo’s jacket?

Sure enough, I open the bag and pull out the jacket. Why… would this be here? He never takes this thing off when he’s working, no matter how many times I’ve warned him he’s going to get overheated.

I hold the jacket up to inspect it and notice blood on one of the sleeves in a splatter-like pattern.

My heart clenches tightly as though someone put it in a vice and stabbed it at the same time… has the unthinkable actually happened? No, I’m sure he’s here somewhere, right?

Slowly I look up at Annabelle. She’s no longer whinnying or shaking her head frantically. Her long nose points down to the ground but she’s staring right at me. I’ve seen what she wants me to see. 

I look over her saddle again and notice all of Arlo’s weapons are missing. Not one of them is in their proper place. He never rides Annabelle with all his weapons loose. 

Annabelle herself has blood spattered across her back end near her tail. It’s not her blood. Whose blood is that?

I scan through the saddle bag again and to my horror, all of the first aid supplies are missing. There’s not a single bandage left.

“…Annabelle… where is Arlo?” I ask the horse, my voice trembling as I clutch the jacket to my chest. 

She does nothing but look away from me, back towards the desert. Towards the tunnel.

Annabelle came back.

Arlo didn’t.

My vision seems to narrow, and my knees start to shake beneath me.

Visibly exhausted, Annabelle lowers herself to the ground and sighs. I feel my body start to slowly move forward, Arlo’s jacket still clenched in my fists. My feet move past the front gate towards the river. I barely register that the rain has stopped, momentarily at least.

And then I run. 

Hot tears sting my eyes and I have to fight to keep from falling apart completely and tripping over my feet. I end up at the Amber Island Bridge. Our bridge.

Soaking wet from the rain and shivering violently, I come to a hard stop in the middle, falling against the railing as the horrible truth of it hits me in waves.

Arlo… my partner… my love…

…he’s gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 😬
> 
> Sorry to leave you on that cliffhanger! I know it's a nasty one. Luckily I've had a large portion of the next chapter written for months now, so the wait for the next part should be much shorter this time around.


	14. Promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, here's the next chapter! Tried to get this one out as quickly as I was able, considering last chapter's cliffhanger. 😬 As always, thanks for sticking around to read my little story, and thanks for all your wonderful feedback! I feel very loved. 🥰

I clutch his jacket to my face and sob into it, slowly collapsing against the bridge railing. He can’t be gone. He just can’t. But Annabelle would never leave him behind, I know that for a fact. Not to mention there wasn’t a single sign of the rest of his team. Did none of them make it out?

I sob harder, nearly hyperventilating. I’m feel like I’m gonna throw up. The jacket still smells like him and I try to breathe in his scent. Sandalwood and leather. I can almost feel his arms around me, telling me to breathe, that I’ll be ok. 

I scrunch the jacket against my nose and feel something hard in one of the pockets. I pull it away from my face and hold it out in front of me, blearily looking for whatever it was I bumped.

I find said pocket and I freeze, suddenly terrified. Slowly, I unzip the pocket on the inside of his jacket and reach in. Oddly, I find something soft, which wasn’t what I expected. I pull it out and see my favorite scrunchy resting in my palm. Pinky didn’t take it after all… Arlo did. He must’ve wanted to take a piece of me with him.

Tears stream down my face ever faster, but I slip the scrunchy on my wrist and go back into the pocket anyway. My fingers brush cold metal, confirming my original suspicions. I know exactly what else is in this pocket. 

The Bluebird Coin. I’d nearly forgotten he’d taken it with him when he left.

I pull the coin out and stare at it, tears still leaking down my face. The little gift that had made me so happy before only triggers melancholy in me now. It’s useless without him. I replay the memory of him dragging his feet into the house that night and telling me all about it. How every couple has a different experience with it, and how to use it, and…

Wait… how to use it. He SHOWED me how to use it as he was describing it that night! 

I’m such a fucking idiot. He took it with him because he’d already fulfilled his end of the ceremony when he showed me how to do it. I thought he was being silly, but I could’ve actually used it while he was gone…

…and I could use it now. All I have to do is tap the little birds and throw it in the water. I stare down at the gold coin in my hands, dread filling my heart. The happy little bluebirds stare up at me, almost mocking me. What result am I even hoping for? Either answer will probably destroy me.

If I’m pregnant I’ll have a little piece of Arlo with me forever, assuming all goes well. But I’ll have to raise our child alone, and they’ll never get to know who their father was. They’ll be a living reminder of the man that was taken from us and the future we couldn’t have.

If I’m not pregnant I’ll be devastated. I’ll never get to know what a true family is like. I’ll never know the love of a happy little child that’s half of us both. I know I’ll never love another man, and I refuse to have a child that isn’t Arlo’s. I’m probably going to be totally alone for the rest of my life.

I keep staring at the coin like it’s going to tell me what I should do, my whole body shivering. Would Arlo want me to use it without him? Of course not, or he wouldn’t have taken it with him. But then… I guess it doesn’t really matter, does it? He’s… he’s dead. 

Dead…

The word rips painful gashes into my brain as I try not to choke on my own sobs.

I’m going to find out if I’m pregnant whether I use the coin or not, in time. That’s the truth of it.

I close my fingers around the cold metal of the coin and grab the bridge rail with my other hand, lifting myself up on unsteady legs. I turn towards the ocean, the sun peeking through the clouds above the water. More hot tears run down my cheeks as I remember our last night together, here on this bridge and underneath it. 

I’m never going to see him again. 

My heart aching and empty, I make my decision. I open my hand and look down at Arlo’s last gift to me. I’m not going to let it go to waste. My hands shaking violently, I slowly tap the birds on either side of the coin with my index finger, trying not to drop it.

I close my eyes and clutch the coin to my chest. “I love you Arlo” I say quietly into the air. “What will be, will be.”

I open my eyes and hold my breath. I’m so afraid. I take one last look at the coin in my hand, committing it to memory. Before I can change my mind, I lean over the railing of the bridge and let the coin slip from my fingers into the water below.

Nothing happens. I stare hard down at my reflection in the slow-moving river, counting the seconds in my head, still not breathing. 

One. 

Two. 

Three. 

Four. 

Five. 

Six… the ripples caused by dropping the coin have disappeared.

I inhale sharply, suddenly seeing small bubbles on the surface of the water. Is something happening or am I hallucinating?

A small fountain of water lifts itself off the surface in front of me, bubbling pleasantly and glistening in the sunlight. I stare with wide eyes as it reaches all the way up to me and climbs slightly above my head. Individual bubbles escape the fountain, floating around me and the splashing water and reflecting the light overhead. It’s absolutely breathtaking.

I stare into the fountain for any indicator for what this actually means. I notice there are two bubbles floating in a pair just above the splashing fountain, hovering and slowly expanding. They suddenly turn a brilliant, bright blue and start to sparkle even brighter in the sunlight.

This is familiar. Why is it familiar? 

I wrack my brain for any information on where I’ve seen this before. I know I have. 

I… 

No… the blue orbs? From my dreams? What the fuck does this mean? 

I stare wide-eyed at the orbs, not sure yet if I feel happiness or fear. Those nightmares weren’t kind to me. Not in the slightest.

Suddenly, the bubble-orbs flicker. Not with light like in the dreams, but like… they’re blinking, almost? I stare harder. They do it again. Definitely blinking. 

Before I can react any further the orbs transform into a pair of actual eyes, shining and happy. They’re so blue, they… they look… exactly like Arlo’s eyes… 

A strangled sob escapes my throat. What the hell is this? Why am I seeing Arlo’s eyes? Is it because he isn’t here? Am I being punished for using the coin without him?

The happy eyes peer down at me, and I can see other features start to fade in around them. Flaming red hair appears above the eyes, wiry and wild. A set of small, delicate lips appear below… 

Wait. What? I lean over the bridge railing to get a closer look. Those lips look like… mine?

My eyes grow wide as a small button nose joins the rest of the features. That’s mine too. 

This isn’t Arlo at all. But… it’s not me either. This isn’t what I think it is, right? It couldn’t be…

A light, cheerful giggle suddenly sounds from the fountain. I gasp, covering my mouth with my hands in shock. The cherubic face of a beautiful red-headed little girl with gorgeous blue eyes now giggles happily in front of me. She’s the most perfect thing I’ve ever seen in my life. 

I cry in earnest, happy tears mingling with the sad ones. And really, I already knew deep down, what with my illness lately. I’m not stupid. I’d just forced the thoughts away, unwilling to confront it with everything else going on.

But there’s no question anymore. The Bluebird Coin is telling me I’m pregnant. I’m actually, truly pregnant. This is our perfect little girl. Mine and Arlo’s. She has his eyes…

I feel my heart shatter all over again. He’s never going to know. He’ll never get to see this precious little girl. He’ll never hear her melodic, happy giggle or know she has his eyes and his wild red hair. I gasp for air and sob harder, falling to my knees on the bridge. This isn’t fair… why did this happen to us?

The giggling stops abruptly, and I look up. Is she gone? I don’t want her to leave yet. 

She’s still there, but what I see confuses me even further. The vision of our little girl is staring at a nearly identical pair of brilliant blue eyes floating in front of her. They’re slightly larger than hers. I stare at the new set of eyes. When did they get here?

The larger pair looks into the little girl’s eyes with wonder and happiness. These are Arlo’s eyes this time, for sure. I recognize the sparkle. Why am I seeing his eyes now too? This is beyond cruel. 

I watch as the vision of his eyes swiftly turn from joyous wonder to utter sadness. They well with tears, large drops falling to the water below. I hear the little girl start to cry too, and I’m helpless to stop it.

“Please… please no more” I wail, clutching at my chest, yanking on my hair, hopelessness overwhelming me. It’s like my nightmare come to life. I want this to stop now. Please make it stop.

The vision of Arlo’s eyes turns to me and starts to float closer. I look up at them forlornly as they gaze down at me in melancholy equal to my own. 

“Please… Arlo… why did you have to leave?” I sob. “I can’t do this on my own… I need you… please come back. I love you… I love you so much…” I choke, gasping for air. 

His eyes are right in front of me now, on level with my own. Just like in my dreams I reach out to touch them, expecting them to float out of my grasp, but they don’t. As my fingers graze the side of his left eye my vision goes black. 

It returns quickly, but I’m not on the bridge anymore and I can’t feel my body. I can’t feel anything, actually. The light is very dim. It looks like I’m in some sort of cave system, floating a few feet above the ground. How am I seeing this? Where am I? What am I?

The first thing I really notice is a dull humming sound reverberating throughout the cave, but it’s too dark to see where or what it might be coming from.

A flicker of light is coming from a small opening in the rock wall a few feet away from me, the only thing I can really see. I hover over to investigate, bringing strange, dull light of my own and casting shadows on the cave walls. I float inside the opening and my heart stops.

There, leaned up against the wall of the tiny alcove sits Arlo, covered in blood. His jacket is gone, his remaining shirt ripped to shreds. He’s wrapped crude bandages all over himself to stop the bleeding of what looks to be several deep lacerations all over his body. One of his legs is twisted at an odd angle and his left shoulder looks out of place. 

He’s alone, a tiny flickering lantern the only thing in the hole with him. He doesn’t even have his sword. His breathing is shallow, and his eyes are shut tight, tear tracks running down his dirty cheeks. He looks dehydrated and disoriented. 

Arlo… is alive? Holy shit, he’s alive! 

But he’s dying. 

All alone in a tiny hole in a cave, my husband is dying slowly and painfully. I realize I never actually stopped crying when I hear large drops of water hit the cave floor beneath me. I want to touch him, to hold him, to get him to safety, but I can’t. I don’t have a body. I’m not really here. Is this even real?

Arlo opens his eyes at the sound of my tears splashing to the ground and looks straight into where my eyes must be floating in the air, just like his were on the bridge. Maybe it IS real.

“Hana…” he wheezes weakly, reaching out to me. “Hana, I’m so… I’m so sorry. I… don’t think I’m going to make it back…” he starts coughing harshly, his speech slow and labored.

“Tell her… tell our little girl that I love her and that… that I’m sorry. I never meant for this to happen… I promise I tried. I did my best…” he coughs again, clutching at his chest and grimacing in pain.

“I love you, Hana. I love you… so much. I’m sorry we couldn’t have more time…” he trails off, his eyes starting to close, fresh tears running down his face. “I just… want you to know. Being with you… loving you… is the best adventure I ever had. Please… please go be happy, my love. For me. I promise… I’ll watch over you. I love you… I… I…”

His eyes close and he doesn’t open them again. I try to scream, but I make no sound, my tears forming a large puddle on the cave floor. He’s still breathing, but it’s even more shallow than before. 

My vision starts to fade to black. No! Please! I can’t leave him here! He needs help!

But darkness fills my vision and I lose sight of him.

\------

Gasping, I open my eyes to find myself on the bridge once again, face down on the wooden planks. The fountain of water is gone, nothing around me but the quiet afternoon sky.

I start to hyperventilate from the shock of it. Arlo is alive but he’s dying, fast. I have to get to him. I don’t care where he is, I have to find him. 

I know in my heart that if he dies, our baby will too. In every instance of that nightmare with the orbs, the smaller pair died right after the larger pair did. 

And then me.

I understand now that they were never orbs at all. They were eyes. My family’s eyes. Without them, my life is empty, meaningless. I’ll protect them this time. I have to. I refuse to sit and watch while they perish in front of me. Not again.

I stumble to my feet, snatch up Arlo’s jacket, and take off running as fast as I can. I have to get back to Annabelle. She’ll at least know the general area he’s in, then I can search the caves on foot. 

I think about getting Sam and Remi for backup but remember that Arlo was alone in that cave. His team wouldn’t have left him there to die, something must have happened to them. I don’t want to drag Sam and Remi into that. And there’s no time. I’ll go alone. No one else is going to risk their lives in that damn tunnel.

The team missed their check-in at 10:00 this morning, but Annabelle had made it back already around 1pm. That tells me whatever happened to them probably occurred sometime last night or early this morning. Arlo probably doesn’t have much time left if he’s bleeding as heavily as it looked.

I sprint back, getting home in record time. Annabelle is still laying down near the front door, exactly where I left her. I don’t really know how much time has passed since I took off.

“Annabelle!” I run over to the horse. “Up, girl! Up! We have to go back for Arlo!”

She looks over at me, blinking slowly. There’s a fierceness in her eyes, but I can tell she’s just so tired. She must’ve run full tilt the whole way.

“I know you’re exhausted, but we don’t have much time! If we have any chance of saving him we have to go now! And you’re the only one who knows where he was. Can you take me back to him? Please?”

I berate myself for begging a horse to do something for me. She’s a horse. As much as she seems to understand humans sometimes, I doubt her brain is complex enough to know what I’m asking of her. 

As if reading my mind and determined to prove me wrong, Annabelle gets up like she hadn’t been galloping for hours on end and positions herself so I can easily mount the saddle. 

“Good girl” I smile in relief, patting her. I put one foot in the stirrup before remembering I don’t have any supplies on me. 

“One second, let me grab some stuff quick” I tell her, running into the house. Darting around, I find my work bag and quickly shove supplies into it from a nearby storage bin. Bombs, medicine, bandages, whatever is closest to my reaching fingers. I hope it’s enough.

I yank my own sword off the wall in the den and sling it over my back before running out the door. I hoist myself onto Annabelle’s back with ease and take the reins. I don’t even have to give her a command before she takes off at a gallop, leaping swiftly over the back fence towards the Portia Bridge.

Scattering groups of hopping llamas, we rip through the field towards the bridge, coming up on it quickly. Annabelle’s hooves clank loudly across it and in no time we’re at the end of the South Block and into the desert. 

“Don’t overwork yourself, Annabelle. If you can’t run, we’re all fucked. Take it down a few notches while we’re in the desert ok?” I tell the horse. She whinnies at me but slows a little. I can tell she wants to get to Arlo as soon as possible, but if she collapses we are well and truly screwed.

\------

We ride for hours through the desert before finally arriving at the Eufaula Tunnel entrance. I slow Annabelle to a stop just inside the tunnel, which oddly, isn’t being guarded by anyone. That seems like an oversight.

After giving some to Annabelle, I guzzle down some of the water I always keep in my pack. I wish I had brought something to shield my face from the blowing sand, though. My skin feels raw but also sticky from the hot sun, sweat, and sand beating at me. The desert was a good 20° hotter than the city. My eyes sting from having cried so much earlier and of course, having sand blown into them. Maybe Sam’s hatred of sand isn’t all that ridiculous after all…

Sam… I hope she and Remi are ok. I hope they’re still back in town taking care of everyone. I’m kind of wishing I’d found them so they’d know where I was, that something had gone wrong. Maybe I should’ve told Gale… I’m the only one right now that knows the mission took a turn.

But I know that if I had there would’ve been some red tape in my way and I just don’t have time for that. I’m sick of being told no, of being told to just wait. I’m done with that. Even standing around here taking a break feels wrong, but I have to make sure Annabelle isn’t overworked.

I make the most of my down time and look around the tunnel entrance while Annabelle takes a rest. Everything about this side of the tunnel looks the exact same as the last time I was here during inspections and installations. 

Truth be told, I have no idea how long the Eufaula Tunnel even is. I’ve never actually been to Sandrock. It seems like it took the team about a day or so to make it all the way to the attack site, but I don’t have that kind of time. Neither does Arlo.

How am I even going to safely extract him? If he was huddled up in a hole he was probably hiding from something, since he was too injured to fight back. He said himself anyone less than a Flying Pig wouldn’t even be able to make it all the way in… do I stand even a tiny chance of finding him?

There’s no point in thinking I won’t now. I’ve already gone this far, and I’ll be damned if I don’t at least try. I’d never forgive myself otherwise. 

Surprisingly, all I’m really feeling at this point is adrenaline-fueled determination. Every other emotion that was swirling around my head the last few days is still there, but they’ve been effectively shoved to the bottom of the priority pile. Is that survival instinct, maybe? Shut down the functions that don’t benefit you in the short term?

Lost in thought, I jump when Annabelle urgently nudges me with her nose, snorting at me to get back in the saddle. I smile and give the horse a pat. 

“You sure you’re ready? You’ve been working really hard.”

She snorts again, stomping the ground with one of her front hooves impatiently.

“Ok, just checking” I reassure, putting my foot in the stirrup and hoisting myself back up. Annabelle takes off as soon as I’m seated, the steady thudding of her hooves echoing against the tunnel walls. 

“Good girl, Annabelle” I encourage her, gripping the reins tightly. “Let’s go find Arlo.”


	15. Discomfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends! This chapter was initially going to be much longer, but it was taking me forever to write it and I didn't want to make you wait too much longer without anything to read. Sorrryyyy. 🙃 Hope you enjoy it! 🥰

The now familiar pit of anxiety settles in my stomach the longer we ride through the tunnel. How long has it been now? It feels like forever, but I can still see the light from the Portia entrance in the distance when I check behind me. 

The tunnel lights flicker past at even intervals as Annabelle keeps a steady pace, the sound of her hooves on the rocky floor the only thing I can hear, matching my racing heart. It’s only then that I notice she isn’t wearing her usual bells on her rig-up. Arlo must’ve taken them off before they left, and I didn’t notice. Better for stealth, I suppose.

The further we ride through this tunnel the worse I’m feeling about my situation. What am I doing here?? How the actual fuck am I going to figure out where he is? The only clue I have is a vision, if you want to call it that. And what if it wasn’t real? What if my grieving mind is playing tricks on me?

I shake my head to clear the negativity. I remind myself that I’m already here so I may as well try. Annabelle wouldn’t have brought me this far if there wasn’t a reason, even if the vision wasn’t real. She’s too smart to waste her energy on anything that isn’t productive. Something happened to Arlo and his team. 

Annabelle will take me as far as she’s able, and then… then I’ll just have to let my ruin-diving instincts kick in and track Arlo down myself, hopefully not getting killed in the process… right. Easy…

Another glance over my shoulder reveals only a small pinprick of light from the Portia entrance. We must be really far in now. I wish I was home. That we were ALL home, safe in bed.

Annabelle swiftly gallops closer to the wall, hugging the left side of the tunnel without my guidance. I’m confused initially, but we come up on several large chunks of the tunnel floor missing on the right-hand side, crumbled and cracked. This continues on every 10 feet or so for a few minutes of riding, all on the right side of the tunnel and I can’t figure it out. What could have caused this? There’s no damage to the ceiling or walls. Just the floor. Like someone was pounding away at it with a huge hammer or something.

Suddenly Annabelle shifts back to the center of the tunnel and jumps, startling me. More pits in the floor. What happened here? The cracks and crumbling holes are closer together now, but Annabelle is deftly avoiding all of them, weaving back and forth. Clearly she’s done this already, possibly on the way inside the first time? Maybe that’s why it took the team so long to get in? It had to have been an AI of some sort. Nothing else is heavy enough to do this kind of damage to solid rock.

The state of the tunnel degrades quickly the further we go. Annabelle has to slow down to avoid any deadly missteps onto uneven ground. It isn’t long before the lights along the tunnel walls go dark, our path forward no longer lit. We must be close. No doubt a generator that kept the lights on got taken out in the explosion somewhere. 

Infinitely thankful that I always carry a miner’s light, I quickly yank it out of my pack so Annabelle can see. If she gets hurt, we’re in serious trouble. 

She continues along the busted-up path until we start to see a dim light glowing from far in front of us. That must be the explosion site, and it must be nearly twilight now. Having daylight to illuminate things in here really would’ve made search and rescue easier, but that’s just not how this whole thing was going to go, I guess.

Soon enough Annabelle comes to a slow stop, and it’s easy to see why. We’ve reached “ground zero”. The tunnel is gone. My eyes widen in shock and shivers run down my spine at the enormity of the destruction.

We stand on a small outcropping of what’s left of the connecting tunnel floor. In front of us lies a huge crater which opens up to the Sandrock side some 1000 feet away, unreachable from here. I peer down over the edge of the outcropping and see it’s a very steep downhill climb, or tumble, to the very bottom some 300 feet below. 

The explosion must have been absolutely tremendous. It’s a wonder more people didn’t die. Looking closer, I can see the hundreds of holes Arlo and his team were talking about, seemingly drilled into the rock walls every 20 feet or so around the blast site. I don’t even want to imagine how much firepower was needed to cause this kind of damage. 

A quick scan of the area doesn’t reveal any monsters of the AI or variant kind, which unsettles me deeply. Last we’d heard from the team all kinds of nasty things were swarming the place. The lack of even a single enemy, dead or alive, doesn’t sit well with me at all.

I look up and see that the cave is actually more like a fishbowl in its structure now. The missile, or whatever it was, entered from a slight angle, towards the Eufaula Desert. The tunnel ceiling is missing in quite a few places near the obvious entrance site. What’s left looks dangerously unstable. A pinkish-orange glow is just visible in the pieces of sky above that can still be seen, the sun finally setting for the evening. It’d be pretty if the thought of being alone here in the dark wasn’t so terrifying.

Annabelle whinnies at my back to get my attention, and I jump a little at the noise. It’s eerily quiet in here without the steady thudding of her hooves echoing around. I turn around to look at poor Annabelle, her breathing heavy and her flanks frothy. I feel proud of her effort, but horribly guilty at having had to push her so hard.

I reach up and stroke her nose, whispering quietly to her. “Good girl, Annabelle, you’ve done so well! But you need to rest a while.”

She shakes my hand off her nose and points it in the direction of what looks to be a small ledge to the right of us, edging along the side of the crater for a few hundred feet. It looks barely big enough for two people to walk side by side, and who knows how stable it is.

I look back at her, seriously concerned with her judgement. “You’re not serious… will you even fit?”

She snorts at me and give me a nudge towards the ledge. I glare at her. “Fine. But I want you to know I don’t like this…” I mumble as I walk carefully towards the ledge. She doesn’t seem to care what I have to say though, following close behind me.

Taking a deep breath, I put one foot out onto the ledge to test its stability. It can’t be more than 3 feet wide. One misstep and it’s a steep fall all the way to the bottom of the crater, sharp rocks and all. I make sure my light is positioned to see the floor well ahead of me and start the scariest walk of my entire life. 

I try to keep my breathing even and remember the training I took for working in high places. Eyes on the goal, don’t look at your feet. It’s not like I’ve never been up high before… I just usually have a safety harness on. This is just… challenge mode? Yeah, that’s it. Only there’s no redo’s if I fuck it up.

It also occurs to me that I’m incredibly vulnerable on this ledge. If something were to see me and shoot at me or throw a bomb, I’d have nowhere to go. I’m a sitting duck, especially in the dark with a flashlight attached to me. I may as well have a flashing “NOTICE ME” sign above my head. We need to get off this ledge as quickly as possible. I pick up my pace as safely as I can.

We get about halfway across the ledge when I notice it just ends and there’s no other way to go. Frantically, I look around for what Annabelle must be leading me to, but I can’t see anything. But she’s sticking close behind me, so I guess I’m just going to have to trust her.

About 30 feet later I’m about to turn around and ask her where the hell we’re going when I see a distant light coming from one of the missile holes next to the ledge ahead of us. That must be it. I want so badly to run to it, but I gather all the self-control I have to keep my pace. I can’t afford to be sloppy here.

It feels like it takes forever, but we finally creep up on the lit-up hole. I peek my head around the wall to check for danger and nearly fall inside with relief when I don’t see anything immediately dangerous. I lean against the rocky wall and take a few deep breaths. Annabelle follows me in and promptly lays down on a blue horse blanket I hadn’t noticed before that’s laid slightly further inside. She seems to breathe a similar sigh of relief.

“I’m guessing you guys camped here at some point, huh?” I remark, looking around the small space. All that’s left here is a lantern hung on a peg in the wall and the horse blanket on the floor, but they were definitely here. This particular hole seems to connect to some of the other ones surrounding it. I’m guessing that’s how the team was able to move around in here.

I walk over to Annabelle and sit down on the blanket next to her, taking my sword holster off and leaning my back against her side. As we start to relax, I notice the vaguely dull hum echoing around the cave that I heard in my… vision? I’m not sure what to call that experience. We must be in the right area, though. That’s encouraging. Must be coming from a generator or something somewhere.

“You did so good, Annabelle” I soothe, stroking her soft ears. “We’ll rest here for a little bit while I organize my pack, ok?”

I take off my bag and pull out a bottle of water from the front pocket. I grasp around for the water bowl Arlo stores in the saddlebag for Annabelle that I’d used earlier and find it sitting at the bottom. I dump the whole bottle into it, setting it next to her and opening a bottle of my own while she slurps noisily. 

After a few deep drinks I set the bottle down and dump out the contents of my pack onto the blanket in front of me. I desperately need to do a short inventory since I threw in so many things haphazardly before we left. I don’t even know what I have in here. I can’t be prepared if I don’t know what tools I have at my disposal.

Tossing my now very snarled and sandy hair into a ponytail with the scrunchy I took back from Arlo’s jacket earlier, I get to work. I start by sorting everything into vague categories, grouping them into piles on the floor. One pile for my handful of ointments, antidotes, bandages, pain killers, and the rest of my medical miscellany. 

Another pile has 7 small bombs, an iron axe, a few ropes, and some poison knuckles. I rarely use the poison knuckles. I have a guard covering them up for when I don’t use them, but I’m always paranoid I’m going to scratch myself on them.

The third pile has the things that probably won’t be immediately useful, like a few random rubber belts, some copper bars, bearings, and a valve; supplies from my last commission I must not have needed. I shove everything in that pile to the bottom of my pack, along with an extra jacket I carry around in case of rain.

Pile number four has my 3 remaining water bottles and a few snack bars from the front pocket. I’ll have to be really careful with the water, especially since Arlo is definitely going to need it more than me. 

Lucky for me I haven’t been very hungry lately, but I’m feeling pretty bad for Annabelle. I hope she had a chance to eat something at the stable at home before we left.

I twist around so I can reach over to her saddlebag to check for whatever Arlo didn’t use. Just as I’d noticed earlier, all his medical supplies are gone, which isn’t great, but I’m feeling ok about my current supply as long as I don’t get hurt myself. I do find a pack of jerky and a few slightly shriveled up carrots in a side pocket. I put the carrots on the blanket in front of Annabelle’s nose, but she’s fast asleep for now. 

I also find two large wads of fluffy cotton wool. Pink. Like it came from Mr. Fuzz, but it’s been shaped into balls? That’s… really weird. What the hell was Arlo doing with these? Somehow, I doubt he was about to take up knitting on this mission. I drop them back into the bag, smirking at the visual of big tough Arlo knitting in a rocking chair.

I store the jerky with my meager snack bars and water and try to strategize. The bombs will probably be the most useful down here, as well as the ropes. The knuckles could be useful in close combat, but they could also be a large risk if I’m not extremely careful. I don’t know my way around down here and no one knows where I am if something happens. Probably better not to use them at all.

The axe would be much better for combat in combination with my sword since it’s fairly lightweight and I can wield it easily. I also won’t have to get as close to the enemies to hit them compared to the knuckles. Especially if the one of the new variants carries guns around like Arlo said…

I never ever use guns in combat but right now I’m really wishing I had one to fight back with. Or even a shield of some kind. I’m not even wearing anything armored. Just an old shirt of Arlo’s, my most favorite jacket, and cropped utility pants. At least I’m wearing my work boots. 

I stroke the sleeve of my jacket lightly, knowing full well it’ll probably be ruined by the time I’m done here. But a jacket hardly matters if it’s a trade for my husband’s life. It’s just a pity I had to wear this one today… it was a birthday gift from Arlo last year. What if I can’t find him? I don’t want to lose this jacket…

I realize I’m putting a lot more emotional value on this jacket than is probably necessary at this particular moment, but… he gave it to me. The thought of losing it if he dies makes me want to cry. I could put on my extra rain jacket I guess, but it doesn’t offer much in the way of protection from scratches or cuts since it’s so light weight.

An idea strikes me, and I take my jacket off and fold it carefully. My skin erupts in goosebumps as I just now take notice of how chilly and damp the inside of this cave really is. I assumed it would be hot on the way in because of the surrounding desert, but I guess that proves how much I know about geology. 

I reach back into the saddlebag and pull out Arlo’s jacket, which I’d hastily shoved into the bag when I grabbed supplies at home. I stow my jacket in the saddlebag and slip Arlo’s jacket over my shoulders in its place, zipping it up past my chin. It’s almost comically too big for me since he’s so tall. It’s nearly a dress in length, the hem stopping just past my butt. I roll the sleeves up to the elbows, trying not to focus on the now dark and dried blood splattering the whole left arm and shoulder. 

I take a few deep, slow breaths to maintain composure, Arlo’s scent coming off the jacket giving me a little extra help. Taking stock of my mental state right now, I’m fairly surprised at how well I’m holding up. Panic is constantly threatening to overwhelm me, and I have a loud voice yelling that I should be searching for Arlo every single second, but my adventure and combat training has clearly kicked in somewhat. I feel like one bad setback could shatter me completely, my nerves are so shot, but I have to believe that I can do this. It helps that the only alternative is that we all die in here…

**“You’re a complete fucking idiot, coming in here. Who do you think you are? You have no business playing hero. You’re weak”** my inner voice chides. Harsh. I need to try harder to be positive. Beside me, Annabelle quickly jerks awake, looking around, ears pricked and alert. 

“What is it girl? You ok? You want some carrots?” I ask, holding them up for her to see.

**“Would you want to eat old shriveled carrots, you dipshit? You really are dumber than you look.”** Ouch. What’s wrong with me? Now is not the time for my insecurities to flare.

Annabelle ignores the carrots, her eyes darting in every direction. She’s starting to look a little frantic and I’m worried she might bolt. I’m not sure what’s wrong and I don’t know the best way to calm her down.

“Hey, shh, it’s ok! I’m right here, you’ll be fine. Do you hear enemies?” I ask stroking her mane.

**“The only thing she can hear is how dumb you sound asking questions she can’t answer. I don’t understand why Arlo would marry someone so incompetent around animals. I bet Nora knows how to calm Annabelle down. She used to spend all kinds of time around her…”**

I scowl at myself, trying to force the negativity back. Where the hell are these thoughts even coming from anyway? I hold still to listen for whatever it is Annabelle must be hearing, but don’t notice anything except that the dull hum from earlier has gotten a tad louder and slightly higher in pitch. Odd. 

We sit there for a second and Annabelle calms down, her breathing evening out. She gazes at me as if searching for comfort that I don’t know how to give.

**“You know, speaking of Nora, I’d bet she’d look WAY better in Arlo’s jacket than you do right now. I’d say frumpy is accurate for you, but that’d be too nice a word, I think.”**

“What the fuck, shut up, brain!!” I put my hand to my head in frustration. I really don’t need this right now. Self-doubt isn’t going to help Arlo.

**“You know what else isn’t helping Arlo? Sitting on your fat ass and talking to yourself.”**

Annabelle is looking frantic again, head swiveling around in panic. Hey… can she…?

“Annabelle… are you hearing my thoughts?” She shakes her head side to side, leaning inward to nose at her saddlebag. 

“What is it? Is there something in there you want?”

**“Obviously, dumbfuck.”**

I open the bag again and pull out everything that remained after I sorted out our supplies, laying them down in front of her. She quickly shoves her nose at the pink, wooly cotton balls, moving them towards my hands.

“Uhh…”

She snorts in impatience, flapping her ears with a shake of her head.

**“Wow, you’re a moron. It’s obvious what she wants. What does Arlo see in you again?”**

Choosing to ignore my scathing inner monologue I pick up the pink, wool balls and stare at them. What could she possibly want these for? Why did Arlo have them? Suddenly Annabelle leans her head over, pressing her cheek down on my leg, her soft ear brushing my hand…

Oh. Earplugs.

**“Finally figure it out, huh? Took you long enough.”**

I gently nudge Annabelle’s head up and carefully put the pink fluff in her ears. She calms immediately, finally reaching down to eat the carrots. If she can hear my thoughts though, why is she just now reacting to them instead of back when we entered the tunnel? 

**“Man, I don’t know, genius. Think you’ll figure it out sometime before Arlo dies of major blood loss?”**

An idea striking me, I stick my fingers in my ears and wait a few seconds.

**“…, … …’. ….. …. …. …. ….., .. …?”**

Mumbling. All I hear is mumbling. So, the thoughts aren’t in my head. Someone, or something, is saying them out loud. It’s my voice, but I’m not the person thinking, or saying those thoughts. They aren’t even real thoughts to begin with, but they’re all things I would think if I was feeling especially insecure or vulnerable…

My eyes widen in horror and recognition. What if this was the info that Remi was about to spill when he was drunk last night? The worst part of the mission they couldn’t tell me about? That you’re constantly bombarded with your own self-hatred, unable to tell if the thoughts are really yours or not? My first instinct was that I was thinking those things myself. I didn’t even question it until Annabelle reacted.

My body shivers involuntarily. Arlo probably had earplugs… I don’t. What’s going to happen to me if I keep hearing my own voice flush my confidence and self-worth down the drain?

I look around the little cave but don’t see anyone. No speakers embedded in the walls either. This whole situation gets creepier by the second. At least if it were an enemy saying these things, I could kill them. Standing quickly, I signal Annabelle to get up.

“Sorry girl, we need to move. We probably have even less time in here than I thought.”

She obeys quickly, and I scoop everything from my organized piles and dump them into their proper places in my bag, grabbing the horse blanket from the ground too as an afterthought.

**“Why even bother with that? She won’t last the night with you for a caretaker.”**

Scrunching my eyes closed and doing my best to ignore the voice I know now is actually echoing off the cave walls and not in my head, I secure Annabelle’s saddlebag and gesture deeper into the cave to her.

“Lead the way, Annabelle. The sooner we get out of here, the better.”


	16. Search and Rescue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow guys, I am so sorry for the delay on this one. I kept thinking I'd have more time for this as the year went on but the opposite happened and it's been really hard to make time to write. At this point a reread of a few chapters may help you remember some plot points I reference in this one if you're a little foggy. This one is a tad shorter than average, but I really wanted to get a chapter out. Again, I'm very sorry, and I'll try to do better going forward. Thank you for your patience and for sticking around for my little story.
> 
> **Also disclaimer, this chapter gets kind of gnarly. Consider this your official gore warning if you're squeamish.

Annabelle makes her way over to another entrance inside our little drilled out tunnel. It’s very narrow, and I can just tell it’s going to make me a tad claustrophobic. We enter the damp dark hole, my light not penetrating the darkness very well. I place one hand on Annabelle’s flank ahead of me, just so she knows I’m still here since her ears are plugged up. I really don’t want to get separated in here.

Though, it would probably take some real maneuvering to get lost in this part of the tunnel. There aren’t many places to go except forward. There’s not even room for Annabelle to turn around, with only about 6 inches clearance on either side of her.

My body shudders in combination of the damp cold and the unsettling nature of our situation.

**“You’re such a baby. If this is freaking you out there’s no way you can handle all the other shit in here.”**

I ignore the voice, focusing on Annabelle’s still bloodstained backside. The rain washed some of it off, but much of it stayed behind, gluing her coat down in clumps.

It clearly isn’t Annabelle’s blood, and an inspection of Arlo’s jacket showed no rips or tears in the fabric, so I doubt it was his…

I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts. I need to stop analyzing and just… do. Be in action mode. Like Arlo. He’s so good at wiping out the emotional part of his brain when he needs to. Unless it comes to me, apparently…

Annabelle comes to a split in the path and heads to the right, further away from the giant pit. I try to etch the path we’re taking into my brain just in case we need to make a quick exit. It’s then that I realize we’ve been heading downwards this whole time. It’s just a little too dark to really tell and it’s not terribly steep, thankfully. I’d probably be tripping over myself otherwise.

We plod along for another few minutes before we finally come out into a small clearing in the cave system. I breathe a sigh of relief and stretch my arms out as Annabelle gives herself a good shake. Another lantern is hung from the rocks, and I see a backpack leaned up against the far wall. The clearing is almost completely circular and even, almost like a cookie cutter made it. There’s another entrance on the opposite end, near the supplies. 

Why would the team have left their supplies laying around? I guess they figured they’d be coming back the same way they came…

I walk over carefully to inspect the supplies. I recognize the pack as belonging to Leon. I dig through it and don’t find much of anything but a few protein bars. Weird. You’d think he’d have wanted to bring his food with him. 

Declaring the supply raid a bust, I pocket the protein bars and leave the bag on the floor. I start a careful walk-around of the clearing, inspecting it for any signs of… well anything, really.

…Nothing. Not a damn thing in here except for Leon’s empty pack. 

I see Annabelle trot over to the next tunnel entrance in my peripheral, waiting for me so we can keep moving. I sigh, not looking forward to walking through another narrow, dark place. But I walk over and put my hand on her flank and give her a nod to continue.

This part of the tunnel is actually slightly larger than the last one, but not by much, and it’s far steeper in descent than the one we came from. There’s still no room to turn around if we needed to. Poor Annabelle would have to walk backwards the whole way if we needed to escape. 

It hits me then, the risk she’s taking leading me down here when she knows exactly how dangerous it is. I don’t know that I’ve ever known such a selfless animal before. I rub her back appreciatively as we walk, hoping the love transfers through my touch.

We only walk for about another minute before I see the tunnel widen out suddenly in front of us, and Annabelle pauses for a few seconds, flicking her tail nervously before she exits the passage. I follow after her and have to cover my mouth to keep a scream from escaping as I take in the sight in front of me. 

We’re in another clearing, but this one leads out into the pit. It’s almost like this clearing is an antechamber of sorts. There’s another tunnel leading back into the rocks away from the large crater, again lit by a hanging lantern. Under this lantern, cast in its dim flickering light, are dozens of corpses laid out around the tunnel entrance like a macabre art exhibit.

Variants. 

The smell is horrific. Before I know what’s happening, I’m throwing up near the passage we just walked out of. What an excellent time to have an enhanced sense of smell…

**“Puking already? You’re pathetic.”**

When my stomach has finally decided it’s finished, I use a little water to wash my mouth out and fish around in my pack for the bandana I usually use for covering my mouth and nose in dusty places. Hopefully it’ll help block out the smell.

Shit. It’s not there… which I should’ve already known because I did a fucking inventory not even an hour ago. I took it out to wash it the last time I used it.

**“Ugly AND stupid!”**

Scowling, I plug my nose and walk a little closer to the dead variants to inspect them. I edge up to a group of them, laying like ragdolls in a grotesque pile. Several of them are missing limbs. Trying not to look TOO closely, I scan their general appearance for information. 

There’s the blonde hair of the standard variant, but there’s also brown, black, red, and grey. Instead of flamethrowers and pickaxes, some of them still cling to odd-looking guns and some sort of large, crude steel sword. The sword reminds me of something, but I can’t think of what. 

I force myself to check their eyes. They look fairly similar to the white of the standard variant, but something is off about them. Arlo said in his report that these variants have eyes that glow green. Apparently, the glowing stops when they die. I make a mental note to watch for anything glowy in the darkness. It’ll give them away before they have a chance to attack me if I’m observant enough.

A quick scan around the rest of the room only reveals more of what I’ve already seen. Everyone on the team made it out of this mess, by the looks of it. 

I shudder, not really having considered before this point that it’s highly possible I come across the dead body of one of Arlo’s team members… shit. Dead variants are one thing… but I’ve never seen a dead human body before. Not once. 

I decide it’s time to move forward before I can get too inside my own head about it, and beckon Annabelle to follow me. I look down at my feet to be sure I’m not stepping on any dead variants or their weapons. 

This turns out to be a mistake. The floor is absolutely saturated with blood. The sight of my boots splashing through it as I walk reminds me strongly of my horrible recurring orb nightmare and the sea of hot, sticky terror.

My eyes widen, suddenly connecting something I’d thought earlier. The giant sword. 

It looks familiar because it IS familiar. It’s the same kind that killed the large orb in one of my nightmares. The same one that I let kill me afterwards, pinning me to the ground while I slowly bled to death on a rocky stone floor…

I need to get out of this room. 

**“You’re going to fail…”**

“SHUT UP!” I scream, losing my composure and making a run for the new tunnel entrance under the lantern.

**“You can’t help them. They’ll die, just like they did before. There’s nothing you can possibly do to stop it.”**

I make it into the entrance, tripping on my own feet on the way in and tumbling to the stony floor, scraping up my left palm in the process. Dammit.

Groaning, I haul myself to my feet and inspect the damage to my hand. That was sloppy. I’m letting this situation get to me and now I’m injured. Plus, I just yelled right next to the giant pit. I’m an idiot.

Annabelle trots in quickly after me, snorting her displeasure. 

“I know, I’m sorry. I won’t do it again” I try to reassure her, but she glares at me. I try not to smile, seeing as it’s hard to take her seriously when she has two pink, fluffy lumps sticking out of her ears.

Ignoring the pain in my hand, I turn away to see the tunnel I ran into is actually decently sized. Annabelle and I can walk side by side in this one, but it doesn’t seem to go all that far. Maybe 200 feet before I see dim light at the end. Must be another chamber.

“Lead the way” I gesture back at Annabelle, grabbing her saddle as she walks up to me.

**“Wonder how many mangled dead people are in the next room, huh?”**

“Shut up” I whisper, gritting my teeth.

**“Why? Afraid of the truth?”**

I ignore the voice, focusing ahead on the light at the end. Annabelle walks steadily forward, not hesitating in the slightest. 

**“Imagine being so shitty that a horse is braver than you. Oh wait. You don’t have to.”**

I tighten my grip on the saddle. I want to destroy that damned voice. I hate that it’s mine. Why did it have to be mine?

Because it is me. In a way. 

Annabelle snorts at me. We’ve made it to the next chamber, and she’s stopped to stare at me. She looks forward, then back at me again. She’s trying to warn me.

“It’s gonna be worse in this one, isn’t it?” I sigh. She snorts again.

Bracing myself for mental impact, I step into the room and am immediately grateful there’s nothing left in my stomach.

It’s worse. Much worse.

The bodies here are nearly unrecognizable. Blood splatters the walls in every direction. Limbs and heads and innards lay scattered, far departed from their original bodies.

There must’ve been some kind of explosion in here to do this sort of carnage. No Flying Pigs team could do this sort of thing in hand to hand combat.

Annabelle slowly picks her way through the bodies to a spot near the opposite end of the room and stands there, pointed away from me. She’s very still until she looks back at me to check that I’ve seen her.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” I ask, but she turns away and remains still. Is she… posing? She must be trying to help me figure out what happened in here. 

Oh god… was she in here when the explosion happened? If she was standing way over there, she probably wouldn’t have gotten hit, but… she would’ve been splattered.

I stride over as quickly as I can without stepping on anything, and line my left shoulder up with her blood-stained flank. It matches up, mostly. I’m too short to line it up exactly, but that’s probably because Arlo is so much taller than me…

Turning to check the wall behind us I can see more blood there too, but it’s not from the explosion by the looks of it. It reminds me of a wound splatter. So, Arlo was standing here with Annabelle when someone next to him must’ve been attacked. The explosion must’ve happened afterwards, closer to the center of the room.

I glance back to the middle of the room and it feels like a rock has dropped directly into my stomach. I didn’t notice on the way in but from here I can see, in a pile of unidentifiable variant remains, a head with dark pink hair. Just a head.

None of the variants have pink hair.

…I’ll need to go check. 

**“You already know.”**

I have to check to be sure.

**“You’re not strong enough to look.”**

“You’re wrong.”

**“I’m you. I can’t be wrong.”**

“YOU’RE NOT ME” I shout, running towards the viscera, disregarding Annabelle’s distressed whinny behind me.

I approach the severed head, slipping a little in something, or someone, as I try to slow down. Breathing heavily, my heartbeat ringing in my ears, I peer over the head to get a better look at it. 

The face is unrecognizable. There’s not much left of it. But the pink hair… and the single earring. 

This is… was… Leon. I only met him once. But there’s no mistake.

I drop to my knees and dry heave, my stomach desperately trying to vacate my body. My eyes water and turn my vision fuzzy. 

But it’s not fuzzy enough to miss that next to Leon’s head, a few feet away, is a very tattooed arm. It’s got a partial jacket sleeve still attached near what used to be the shoulder. Marcel.

Fuck.

Neither of them made it out of this. What the fuck happened in here… and where did the rest of the team go?

As if answering my unspoken question, Annabelle nudges me with her nose, having followed me when I ran, and points her head across the room towards another small tunnel.

Grabbing her lowered neck for balance, I pick myself up off my knees and let her lead me over to the tunnel.

**“Weak.”**

I let go of her and steady myself, trying to prepare for the next part of this horrible nightmare. 

“Ok. I think I’m ready. Let’s go.” I’m definitely not ready. Pathetic. Useless.

Annabelle doesn’t move though. I look up at her, confused, until I look back at the tunnel and realize there’s not a chance that Annabelle can fit through this one. 

This room is as far as she got before Arlo must’ve told her to run. The remainder of the team must’ve gone through here on foot. What happened to the other horses? Was Annabelle the only one that made it out?

I don’t want to leave Annabelle. How am I supposed to find Arlo without her? What if something happens to her? We can’t get out without her. She’s the only reason I made it this far in the first place, I’m not capable…

**“Arlo is dying.”**

“No…” I whimper.

**“It’ll be your fault, you worthless piece of garbage.”**

Shuddering, I give Annabelle a hug and kiss on the cheek. “Wait here for us ok? If I’m not back in a few hours get the hell out of here. Please.”

She stares at me with her big black eyes, sad, but understanding. I don’t want her to die in here.

“Wish me luck.”

Trying my hardest not to look back at her, I walk forward into the tunnel. It’s very low, and very dark but wider than the other passageways. Looking down at the floor in front of me I notice a blood trail. It’s still wet. 

I walk forward, ducking my head as the ceiling gradually gets lower. There’s a lot of small offshoot tunnels branching from this one. Most of them very shallow. 

It feels horrible to think, but thank god for this blood trail or I’d be completely out of luck. 

It feels horrible because you are horrible.

I slap my hands over my ears to drown out the voice.

You’re an awful person. What sort of mother would you make anyway? You never had a mother. What do you know about being one?

Oh. It’s me thinking that. It’s not the voice. I’m starting to have trouble telling the difference. That’s probably not great.

**“Huh, you think? Moron.”**

Just keep moving. Don’t let it get to you.

You are nothing.

No, I’m not… not nothing. Arlo loves me. Right?

No. Why would he? I have nothing to offer.

I drop to my knees to crawl the rest of the way, the ceiling too low to walk anymore. I stop, my hands in the cold, wet blood trail. It stings the fresh cuts on my left palm, and I realize I’ve exposed myself to infection. Great.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

I lower my head and stare at my now bloody hands, trying to catch my breath, not realizing I was short of it in the first place.

No wonder Arlo was so fucking scared the night before he left. No wonder he refused to tell me much of anything. No wonder Sam and Remi resorted to drinking themselves mindless. They knew about this. This mind game.

This cruel, mental torture is possibly the most horrific thing I can think of. Worse than the bodies and the gore. Your own mind using years of insecurity and heartache against you, breaking you down. It must get worse the longer you stay in here. I was ok earlier. Now I’m not.

You were just pretending before. You’re a coward.

…yeah. 

I am.

Loud scraping suddenly reverberates down the passage towards me and I quickly duck into the nearest side tunnel, flicking my light off as I roll.

I hold my breath. The scraping is deafening, but that doesn’t mean much when it’s so echo-y in here. I carefully peek my head around back into the tunnel and see a shadow towards the far end of it. A variant, its spine bent sharply backwards and its chest scraping the ceiling, struggles to walk in the low space. It drags a large sword along the ground with each staggered step.

I catch of glimpse of glowing green as it twists its head around towards me and I quickly duck my head back in, hoping it hasn’t seen me. The scraping continues though, slowly getting further away, reminding me again of my nightmare.

I breathe a sigh of relief when I can’t hear it anymore. I was wondering why we hadn’t seen any living variants during our descent. The team must’ve done a decent job clearing them out in the main areas, but they’re still lurking in here. I’ll have to be really careful from now on. The only reason I even knew that one was there was the sword scraping across the ground.

You’re not gonna make it out of here. Not enough training. You can't fight them.

I have to try.

As quietly as possible, I ease myself back into the main tunnel to continue forward. I should probably keep my light off. I’ll have to use my hands to follow the blood from now on. Hopefully it doesn’t dry up on me…

Crawling in the dark, hands feeling for cold blood, is the most terrified I have ever been in my entire life. I keep my head down, eyes straining to see the trail in front of me but it’s no good. I lift my head to watch for green eyes, but notice a small flicker of light instead, coming from a small tunnel opening on one side some 20 feet ahead of me.

No. Is that…

My heart leaping out of my chest, I scramble forward as quietly as I can towards the hole and squeeze my way in the small opening.

My eyes widen at the sight in front of me as I fail to stop myself from crying.

“Arlo!”


End file.
